It is not its practical activities that are the strength of this Bible Training College, its whole strength lies in the fact that here you are put into soak before God. You have no idea of where God is going to engineer your circumstances, no knowledge of what strain is going to be put on you either at home or abroad, and if you waste your time in over-active energies instead of getting into soak on the great fundamental truths of God's Redemption, you will snap when the strain comes; but if this time of soaking before God is being spent in getting rooted and grounded in God on the unpractical line, you will remain true to Him what ever happens. ~ Oswald Chambers
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”- Psalm 37:4
He is reminding me that only He has the power to allow me the quietness that I find this morning. The house is quiet except for the tapping of my keys and the dog whining watching the squirrels gather the black walnuts out of my yard.
I have family in town. That really doesn't know me anymore. The last 5 years have changed me...I have more confidence, I have more faith...I am grounded in a way that I am sure that they may sense but can not recognize. I am thankful to the Lord that he delivered me from that "normal" and has allowed me to sit with Him in these mountains and truly be fed by Him.
I am overtaken with gratitude. That even as I have been around this tree before this time He is with me. This time I chose to hold his hand instead of running. The goodness of God is that He has allowed me to just soak. I don't have to go somewhere just because it will make someone else feel better about where I am. I have my relationship with Him personally where I can talk to Him and I hear his voice...loving, guiding, protecting. As I soak in Him and "do nothing" He is taking care of it. Right down the list, I can put check marks. Things that I was dreading facing...He has taken care of it in only ways that He can.
So often we ask what talents can we lay before the Lord. "If I get this right, if I learn this lesson God can use me." "If you do well with the responsibility God will give you the authority." There seems to be a system of steps to take in order to be qualified to serve God. It's something we strive for. We foresake our God given responsibilities to chase other things that we find more worthy of our time and energy. If I write a book with the greatest revelation of all time, but my husband is dying in sin, or my children are starved for their mother then I have been futile in my ministry.
It is my heart to hear God's voice, the Holy Spirit's guidence every day. "Lord, what do you have for me today", is going to become my heart cry every day.
Father, I repent for chasing after something that only you can give me. Lord, if all I ever get from you is a soaking relationship then there is nothing more I would ever desire. I long to hear you and to feel your presence on me. I know that you are here and that you are showing me the things that I have set as boundaries between You and I. Lord, I thank you for knocking down those walls. I give you permission to meddle in my life. I give you permission to work on anything and everything that seperates me from your fullness for me. Lord, align my step with yours. Lord, align my family...our hearts, our intentions, over love for one another. I love you Father, I love you. I am grateful for the Son and I thank the Holy Spirit that comes for comfort and guidance. Blessings to all of you. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.
10.19.2008
10.14.2008
Taking it to the Cross
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”- Romans 12:2
Your personal convictions [on such matters]--exercise [them] as in God's presence, keeping them to yourself [striving only to know the truth and obey His will]. Blessed (happy, to be envied) is he who has no reason to judge himself for what he approves [who does not convict himself by what he chooses to do]. - Romans 14:22 AMP
I am beginning to believe more and more that God allows Satan to bring things sin to our lives to teach us to take them to the cross. He wants it to be our knee jerk reaction. It doesn't mean that you don't get hurt, it doesn't mean that you won't have to pay the consequences of your sin, but when you purpose yourself to take it to the cross the pain changes. It goes from being the pain of watching it grow to being the pain of having it removed.
The sun is shining in my dining room this morning as if right on me. Like I can see daylight for the first time through all of the debris and dust of these last few months. I truly believe that God has given me a vision of what this looks like. When it hits, we go into survival mode. We blame others around us. We want to make it about everyone else. But in times of war, bombs and other weapons formed against us cause collateral damage. However, we can either be the victim or we can take the time for ourselves to be healed. Searching for God's face even among the pain, the confusion, the tears.
I want to give you a visual. With the cross in the middle. When you are carrying your own stuff, with the tears and the bags, and the ripped clothes. You have just been in a war. You are battered you are bruised. In some cases, you have an elephant chained to your leg. You struggle to get to the cross, you call others to help you carry your burdens because this time they are just more than you can carry by yourself. You get to the cross and you lay those burdens at the cross. Jesus covers them with His blood.
There is a transferance that happens at the cross. Jesus hands us hope, he gives us an extra portion of grace. He floods us with His love. He shines the sun on us to remind us that He sees our pain but that he has given us the tools to begin to eat the elephant one bite at a time. I always thought that once you brought it to the cross that it was over. Well, some of it is over, but some of it continues. The man next to Jesus on the cross asked for forgiveness, Jesus forgave him, gave him grace, love and hope. However, He didn't take him down off that cross. There are circumstances to the sin. There are still lessons that must be learned. You can't leave it at the cross...for true healing you have to dig through the box. Get bloody. You can't leave in fear of the blood. You need to live in fear of not having the blood.
Because when you walk past the cross and back into the world...if you didn't learn the lesson, it you didn't get bloody, you tend to attract the same sin. Again and again and again. The blood on that sin is the vaccine. So that when you see that again, you are protected. You know what it tastes likes, what is smells like. You have the blood on your hands to grab it by the neck and say, I have fought you before, I know how to have victory here. That's the greatest gift Jesus ever gives us. The ability to slay our own giants and then walk around carrying it's head and showing it in the village. This giant has tormented me long enough. Today is the day that I had victory.
You are able to live in freedom because the fear of it reappearing is gone. Your mind is renewed, lines up with God's and you are able to stop judging yourself as less than. The beach ball has broken the surface and you realize this isn't something that you have to continue to control..that is when you feel the ease of the pain. That's it when for the first time in long time you breathe deeply and realize that you are loved unconditionally.
Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, I love you all. All as one and all independently. Father, I thank you for loving me enough to teach me the lesson. For taking the time to remind me of your love by discipling me. By placing your hand on me and saying honey, we need to deal with this...you my beautiful girl deserve better. Jesus, oh Jesus. Oh the nights you heard my heart even as all I could do was call out your name. Thank you for the cross, for meeting me there, for the hope, the love, the extravagant grace, for the forgiveness. You are the lover of my soul and my husband and I look forward to an eternity in your presence. Holy Spirit, thank you for coming, for enveloping me in your arms. Your comfort has been my life safer. The peace that you bring is beyond understanding. Your ability to hear my heart, to know my desires, and to fill me with such love. I am eternally grateful. I am a blessed woman because of my relationship with you. All of you. And is it through you, and in the name of Jesus I say amen.
Your personal convictions [on such matters]--exercise [them] as in God's presence, keeping them to yourself [striving only to know the truth and obey His will]. Blessed (happy, to be envied) is he who has no reason to judge himself for what he approves [who does not convict himself by what he chooses to do]. - Romans 14:22 AMP
I am beginning to believe more and more that God allows Satan to bring things sin to our lives to teach us to take them to the cross. He wants it to be our knee jerk reaction. It doesn't mean that you don't get hurt, it doesn't mean that you won't have to pay the consequences of your sin, but when you purpose yourself to take it to the cross the pain changes. It goes from being the pain of watching it grow to being the pain of having it removed.
The sun is shining in my dining room this morning as if right on me. Like I can see daylight for the first time through all of the debris and dust of these last few months. I truly believe that God has given me a vision of what this looks like. When it hits, we go into survival mode. We blame others around us. We want to make it about everyone else. But in times of war, bombs and other weapons formed against us cause collateral damage. However, we can either be the victim or we can take the time for ourselves to be healed. Searching for God's face even among the pain, the confusion, the tears.
I want to give you a visual. With the cross in the middle. When you are carrying your own stuff, with the tears and the bags, and the ripped clothes. You have just been in a war. You are battered you are bruised. In some cases, you have an elephant chained to your leg. You struggle to get to the cross, you call others to help you carry your burdens because this time they are just more than you can carry by yourself. You get to the cross and you lay those burdens at the cross. Jesus covers them with His blood.
There is a transferance that happens at the cross. Jesus hands us hope, he gives us an extra portion of grace. He floods us with His love. He shines the sun on us to remind us that He sees our pain but that he has given us the tools to begin to eat the elephant one bite at a time. I always thought that once you brought it to the cross that it was over. Well, some of it is over, but some of it continues. The man next to Jesus on the cross asked for forgiveness, Jesus forgave him, gave him grace, love and hope. However, He didn't take him down off that cross. There are circumstances to the sin. There are still lessons that must be learned. You can't leave it at the cross...for true healing you have to dig through the box. Get bloody. You can't leave in fear of the blood. You need to live in fear of not having the blood.
Because when you walk past the cross and back into the world...if you didn't learn the lesson, it you didn't get bloody, you tend to attract the same sin. Again and again and again. The blood on that sin is the vaccine. So that when you see that again, you are protected. You know what it tastes likes, what is smells like. You have the blood on your hands to grab it by the neck and say, I have fought you before, I know how to have victory here. That's the greatest gift Jesus ever gives us. The ability to slay our own giants and then walk around carrying it's head and showing it in the village. This giant has tormented me long enough. Today is the day that I had victory.
You are able to live in freedom because the fear of it reappearing is gone. Your mind is renewed, lines up with God's and you are able to stop judging yourself as less than. The beach ball has broken the surface and you realize this isn't something that you have to continue to control..that is when you feel the ease of the pain. That's it when for the first time in long time you breathe deeply and realize that you are loved unconditionally.
Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, I love you all. All as one and all independently. Father, I thank you for loving me enough to teach me the lesson. For taking the time to remind me of your love by discipling me. By placing your hand on me and saying honey, we need to deal with this...you my beautiful girl deserve better. Jesus, oh Jesus. Oh the nights you heard my heart even as all I could do was call out your name. Thank you for the cross, for meeting me there, for the hope, the love, the extravagant grace, for the forgiveness. You are the lover of my soul and my husband and I look forward to an eternity in your presence. Holy Spirit, thank you for coming, for enveloping me in your arms. Your comfort has been my life safer. The peace that you bring is beyond understanding. Your ability to hear my heart, to know my desires, and to fill me with such love. I am eternally grateful. I am a blessed woman because of my relationship with you. All of you. And is it through you, and in the name of Jesus I say amen.
10.12.2008
Bleeding...is painful
It is a painful business to get through into the stride of God, it means getting your second wind spiritually. In learning to walk with God there is always the difficulty of getting into His stride; but when we have got into it, the only characteristic that manifests itself is the life of God. The individual man is lost sight of in his personal union with God, and the stride and the power of God alone are manifested. ~Oswald Chambers
“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”- Proverbs 19:20-21
Oh I have planned, I have envisioned, dreamed, named and claimed...and even as everything around me is tumbling to the ground I am realizing that God's hand is in mine. I am still shuffling trying to get my step in line with His but nevertheless He is holding my hand. It's almost like he is walking me through a nuclear fallout site. All of the strongholds I have built, the lies I have believed and made foundations to the definition of myself.
How loving a God that will tear you down to the base, that he doesn't leave an ounce of cancer, of hurt of pain. He takes it all. One brick at a time. If we would only be willing to do what He has asked us to do. I would like to say that there isn't much left. But that would be a lie. There is a lot left. There is still pride, there are still childhood dreams, there are still wants and desires that stem from my flesh and not from Him. There are still things that I use to comfort myself, when I hit the really hard places. There are methods that I have used before that are an option now. The only place I want to be is in the arms of Christ, yet most of the time I find myself hunkered down holding in bitter thoughts and trying not to spew.
I am trying to learn to find my voice that can carry on a conversation. I am good to tap out my pain here, it's when it's in a conversation that I tend to get quiet. I can throw down in a fight, but I would really love to get to the point that I can express my hurts or anger without hurting the other person, but yet express it in a way that I don't just hold it all inside and try to put on the pretty face so that everything appears ok on the outside but I am vomiting on the inside.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. - Psalm 51:17
Lord, I know that I am not going to do this perfect. I know that perfection isn't what you expect out of me in this moment. Father, all I can do is come to you and ask you to please be my comfort. Teach me what I can and can't do, make it so obvious that I don't mess this up. I don't want bitterness, I don't want rejection, I reject both of them in the name of Jesus. I just decide to receive your love and to continue holding your hand. I don't know what I am looking at and I don't know exactly where we are going. I am holding on for dear life Lord. Superglue my hand to yours. There is nothing left for me without you. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.
“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”- Proverbs 19:20-21
Oh I have planned, I have envisioned, dreamed, named and claimed...and even as everything around me is tumbling to the ground I am realizing that God's hand is in mine. I am still shuffling trying to get my step in line with His but nevertheless He is holding my hand. It's almost like he is walking me through a nuclear fallout site. All of the strongholds I have built, the lies I have believed and made foundations to the definition of myself.
How loving a God that will tear you down to the base, that he doesn't leave an ounce of cancer, of hurt of pain. He takes it all. One brick at a time. If we would only be willing to do what He has asked us to do. I would like to say that there isn't much left. But that would be a lie. There is a lot left. There is still pride, there are still childhood dreams, there are still wants and desires that stem from my flesh and not from Him. There are still things that I use to comfort myself, when I hit the really hard places. There are methods that I have used before that are an option now. The only place I want to be is in the arms of Christ, yet most of the time I find myself hunkered down holding in bitter thoughts and trying not to spew.
I am trying to learn to find my voice that can carry on a conversation. I am good to tap out my pain here, it's when it's in a conversation that I tend to get quiet. I can throw down in a fight, but I would really love to get to the point that I can express my hurts or anger without hurting the other person, but yet express it in a way that I don't just hold it all inside and try to put on the pretty face so that everything appears ok on the outside but I am vomiting on the inside.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. - Psalm 51:17
Lord, I know that I am not going to do this perfect. I know that perfection isn't what you expect out of me in this moment. Father, all I can do is come to you and ask you to please be my comfort. Teach me what I can and can't do, make it so obvious that I don't mess this up. I don't want bitterness, I don't want rejection, I reject both of them in the name of Jesus. I just decide to receive your love and to continue holding your hand. I don't know what I am looking at and I don't know exactly where we are going. I am holding on for dear life Lord. Superglue my hand to yours. There is nothing left for me without you. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.
10.08.2008
Un-turtle-ing
“A large crowd followed and pressed around Him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind Him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, ‘If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed.’ Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from Him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, ‘Who touched my clothes?’ ‘You see the people crowding against you,’ His disciples answered, ‘and yet you can ask, “Who touched Me?”’ But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and knelt at His feet, and trembling with fear, told Him the whole truth. He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering’” ~Mark 5:25-34
The vision I keep seeing is the woman with the issue of blood. Her face down, looking at the ground, in a large group of people who rejected her. She is on all fours and she approaches him. Tears stream down her face and leave tracks. She is anemic and pale, weary. She is shaking, she has Godly fear. She knows she has to have what He has but she is aware that there is going to be consequences to her decision. She has come to far to turn back, but she will continue to reach for his cloak until she can get the healing she so desires.
This is the place that I find myself. In a place where Jesus has made himself available but it is up to be to be diligent in my pursuit of Him and what He has for me. For years I have sat and been fed. Others have done the hard work for me but at this point in my life I feel like God is saying, "Honey, you aren't a baby anymore".
I was reading in Genesis 22 this morning with my children during Bible Study. Teaching them about Jehovah Jirah. Abraham went up the mountain prepared. He took the tools that he was going to need to make Issac the sacrifice for God. He didn't take someone else's wood, or knife. He took his own tools. He didn't ask someone else to do it for him, he took 2 servants, but this himself he had to do. God had walked with him and given him great promises of this child. He had built his dreams upon his precious Issac. He had to lay it on the altar, what I find so overwhelming is that he had so much faith in God.
The Provider met him prepared with his tools. He didn't just merely walk Issac up the mountain and expect it all to be taken care of for him. God is God, He can do all things at any time. But Abraham had to be prepared to make his own altar, his own sacrifice. I wonder as he packed did he bring his best knife, or his dullest. If you are going to meet God, and kill your own son, I would think that you would bring the best sharpest knife you owned. Somehow I would think that it would make it less painful for Issac.
I have been in a fast accelerated season of growth. I have been pulled out of my comfort zone, I have been asked to climb a mountain and to bring my tools. I can honestly say in my quiet past few months, I have hurt more, cried more and hurt more than probably any other time in my life. I have felt chewed up and left to die. I felt like that woman, bleeding without cease. I have been torchered with mockery of my peers, I felt at times like I was climbing on the cutting board for the butcher. God used a lot of mouths to prepare me for this climb, for this absolute surrender of my self and all that He has invested in me on the altar. I have been set up to fail. The fight has been intense. I remember one night sitting on the edge of my bed and knowing that I was in the fight of my life. It was life versus death that night. I am not done with this battle but I know that night, I decided that victory was mine. I was not going to lie down and die. I am willingly going to surrender to the will of God and raise my knife to kill my dreams and allow God to provide the replacement. God is a God of ressurrection power. He will kill what isn't of Him and bring back or create new what he desires in me.
I want to be fully reliant on God. I don't want to be dependant on anyone but God the Father. There is no sacrifice that can be the equivilent of Jesus. There is no comfort but that which comes from the Holy Spirit. There is nothing else that satisfies my soul, my hunger nor my needs except for these.
Father, the pain is unfathonable. However, today, I willingly choose to walk this path to healing. I thank you for no recovering, I want full healing. I don't want to deal with these issues again, I don't want them to resonate the hurt that they have for so many years. Lord, I pray that you pull it all the way out. That nothing remains. You are not a God that teaching coping, you are a God that sent your son for deliverance. I praise you Lord, my soul longs for you. In the name of the most powerful son that ever walked the planet. Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!
The vision I keep seeing is the woman with the issue of blood. Her face down, looking at the ground, in a large group of people who rejected her. She is on all fours and she approaches him. Tears stream down her face and leave tracks. She is anemic and pale, weary. She is shaking, she has Godly fear. She knows she has to have what He has but she is aware that there is going to be consequences to her decision. She has come to far to turn back, but she will continue to reach for his cloak until she can get the healing she so desires.
This is the place that I find myself. In a place where Jesus has made himself available but it is up to be to be diligent in my pursuit of Him and what He has for me. For years I have sat and been fed. Others have done the hard work for me but at this point in my life I feel like God is saying, "Honey, you aren't a baby anymore".
I was reading in Genesis 22 this morning with my children during Bible Study. Teaching them about Jehovah Jirah. Abraham went up the mountain prepared. He took the tools that he was going to need to make Issac the sacrifice for God. He didn't take someone else's wood, or knife. He took his own tools. He didn't ask someone else to do it for him, he took 2 servants, but this himself he had to do. God had walked with him and given him great promises of this child. He had built his dreams upon his precious Issac. He had to lay it on the altar, what I find so overwhelming is that he had so much faith in God.
The Provider met him prepared with his tools. He didn't just merely walk Issac up the mountain and expect it all to be taken care of for him. God is God, He can do all things at any time. But Abraham had to be prepared to make his own altar, his own sacrifice. I wonder as he packed did he bring his best knife, or his dullest. If you are going to meet God, and kill your own son, I would think that you would bring the best sharpest knife you owned. Somehow I would think that it would make it less painful for Issac.
I have been in a fast accelerated season of growth. I have been pulled out of my comfort zone, I have been asked to climb a mountain and to bring my tools. I can honestly say in my quiet past few months, I have hurt more, cried more and hurt more than probably any other time in my life. I have felt chewed up and left to die. I felt like that woman, bleeding without cease. I have been torchered with mockery of my peers, I felt at times like I was climbing on the cutting board for the butcher. God used a lot of mouths to prepare me for this climb, for this absolute surrender of my self and all that He has invested in me on the altar. I have been set up to fail. The fight has been intense. I remember one night sitting on the edge of my bed and knowing that I was in the fight of my life. It was life versus death that night. I am not done with this battle but I know that night, I decided that victory was mine. I was not going to lie down and die. I am willingly going to surrender to the will of God and raise my knife to kill my dreams and allow God to provide the replacement. God is a God of ressurrection power. He will kill what isn't of Him and bring back or create new what he desires in me.
I want to be fully reliant on God. I don't want to be dependant on anyone but God the Father. There is no sacrifice that can be the equivilent of Jesus. There is no comfort but that which comes from the Holy Spirit. There is nothing else that satisfies my soul, my hunger nor my needs except for these.
Father, the pain is unfathonable. However, today, I willingly choose to walk this path to healing. I thank you for no recovering, I want full healing. I don't want to deal with these issues again, I don't want them to resonate the hurt that they have for so many years. Lord, I pray that you pull it all the way out. That nothing remains. You are not a God that teaching coping, you are a God that sent your son for deliverance. I praise you Lord, my soul longs for you. In the name of the most powerful son that ever walked the planet. Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!
8.18.2008
Summer Mission Trip to Nicaragua...
There aren’t really enough words to describe what we have experienced but I have been asked numerous times so this is my futile attempt to do that.
My senses were overloaded and even for a preacher girl like me the need, the smell, the open sewers leave me without a cognitive thought. There are some things about Nicaragua that change a person. Even after living in Puerto Rico I was not prepared for the political unrest in the country. The light poles are painted with colors to show their support for the different “parties” of government. They hang flags on their homes, much like us, but it is to show their political views…there is very little unity in Nicaragua. The one thing that I learned quickly…we all say that we are proud to be Americans. We are so selfish, so prideful…they quickly remind me that we are North Americans but that they too are Americans. They don’t like us… if you don’t know the story of the Iran Contra Affair they you wouldn’t know that the USA launched an attack against Nicaragua. We gringos stick out like a sore thumb. We travel with armed drivers everywhere we go. The compound where we sleep there is a guard 24/7.
There is a city dump in Managua. Five thousand people make up a community there. They actually live in the dump…and their children are so full of parasites that they come out of their scalps. There are parents of young girls in the dump that sell their daughters for first pick at the trash for food. As I sit here typing at my brand new laptop I realize how blessed I am and am humbled in a way that I can’t begin to describe.
We spent most of our time at the orphanage. These kids are given a decent life. They are fed, they are schooled…when groups come in like us, the go to the movies, the go to the park…but they are always full of fear. We took a small boy Justin with us to the movies…he was still in diapers so I am guessing less than 3 years old. I don’t know that he had ever been to the movies, he sat and ate his popcorn and drank his Pepsi and then fell asleep in the a/c of the theater. These kids don’t know anything of air conditioning…or the pleasures of fountain drinks. Everything is a new experience for them.
Leyli found Julia on our first visit to the orphanage. She clung to her and they played from the first moment. I feel in love with a young baby girl named Guadeloupe and spent time holding her and rocking her. Ande was building with the men, and the boys were with their friends. I had no intention of bringing any of these children home. I went with a pretty closed mind. In my own selfishness, I had it in my mind that I was halfway through with homeschooling Julia, I didn’t realize that I had been counting down the days to my freedom. But about day 7, I shut down. I was ready to come home, I was tired of loving on these kids, I was tired of the smells, and my stomach was aching with diarrhea. I realized that I was building some pretty big fences. I had my defenses up. I could paint, I could work with the mother of the orphanage for admin stuff, I could work mindlessly through a list of things to do but I couldn’t look at the kids without crying. That was the first night that Ande mentioned bringing Leyli home with us to the states.
Ande talked to Chris the mother of the orphanage about Leyli, she told him that she had a brother there as well and that if they were ever adopted out that they would not be separated. Ande is in his wisdom kept feeding me this information to which I really didn’t reply. It is my heart to do women’s ministry…I want to travel, I want to do conferences…I can’t do that toting kids around. He asked me to pray about it. I prayed that God would change his heart. The next conversation that we had about it he asked me if I was willing to do it. Was I willing to lay it all down for these two…
Leyli and Darwin’s biological mother is a prostitute. She has had 6 children that Chris and Tim are aware of. Leyli is number 4 and Darwin is 5…Mom just had another one. Leyli and Darwin have been at the center since November. Their oldest sister Jenna is 11 and she is a foster child of Chris and Tim. The children have to be declared abandoned before they can be put up for adoption. Jenna, has been fostered for 4 years but the mom will not sign the papers for her to be adopted. If these children can’t be adopted that means when they turn 18 that one of their only options will be to return to their mother. They are an impoverished people and they don’t have the choices that we do here in the USA. The thought of Leyli having to live like that….
Yes, I was willing to lay it all down for them. Leyli is the only girl in her age group; the others are still babies and still have lots of opportunities to be adopted. It changed the trip for us. We began to spend as much as we could with Leyli and with little Darwin. We began to ask questions, lots of questions about their past. We began to tell them that we loved them, we began to hold them every chance we had. I know that we did other things but I don’t remember anything but their little faces.
The last day that we were there…there was another team there and they were taking the older kids to the zoo. It was going to be the last chance we had to spend with Leyli. Ande and I had to press in to see her. The other group was trying to block her and we just were persistent. That last half an hour…my heart was flooded with a love for this child. Before they pulled out I told her “I love you” and she said “I love you”. Then I backed up and made room for Ande. I told him to tell her I love you. He said I don’t know how. I told him just say it in English…he did and again she repeated it back to him. That is a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. I spent the rest of our time there coloring her a picture, because if I talked to anyone I was going to lose it. Te Amo…We love you, I wrote it at the bottom of the picture and left it on her bed.
Darwin sang a funny song and was making himself laugh. Ande got it all on video…almost like Darwin knew that things had changed for him. He has laughter in his young eyes. I look forward to him riding in Ande’s truck and hanging with Dad. I can’t think about it without my eyes tearing up. Even now Ande is reading about adoption and about the Nicaraguan government. We are committed.
Later in the evening, after we knew that they would be home from the zoo…Ande and Julia went back to the center to see Leyli. She was sleeping but they were allowed to wake her up and give her the purse, the socks and the hairbows that Ande had bought for his little girl. She saw them and immediately hugged Julia. Then she pulled the picture out that I had colored for her from under her pillow. I hate to think of her knowing that we were leaving…I hate to think of her thoughts the next day when we didn’t come to her.
We are already pricing plane tickets. It doesn’t appear that we can get back to our children before January. We pray for them constantly…we will begin to send money for them. We don’t know what God has in store for us, but whether we bring them here…or we have to go there to be with them…we will do whatever it takes. The biggest prayer request that we have right now, is that the children could be declared abandoned. Because no matter how prepared we get...if they are not adoptable the only option that we have is to move down there to foster them.
My senses were overloaded and even for a preacher girl like me the need, the smell, the open sewers leave me without a cognitive thought. There are some things about Nicaragua that change a person. Even after living in Puerto Rico I was not prepared for the political unrest in the country. The light poles are painted with colors to show their support for the different “parties” of government. They hang flags on their homes, much like us, but it is to show their political views…there is very little unity in Nicaragua. The one thing that I learned quickly…we all say that we are proud to be Americans. We are so selfish, so prideful…they quickly remind me that we are North Americans but that they too are Americans. They don’t like us… if you don’t know the story of the Iran Contra Affair they you wouldn’t know that the USA launched an attack against Nicaragua. We gringos stick out like a sore thumb. We travel with armed drivers everywhere we go. The compound where we sleep there is a guard 24/7.
There is a city dump in Managua. Five thousand people make up a community there. They actually live in the dump…and their children are so full of parasites that they come out of their scalps. There are parents of young girls in the dump that sell their daughters for first pick at the trash for food. As I sit here typing at my brand new laptop I realize how blessed I am and am humbled in a way that I can’t begin to describe.
We spent most of our time at the orphanage. These kids are given a decent life. They are fed, they are schooled…when groups come in like us, the go to the movies, the go to the park…but they are always full of fear. We took a small boy Justin with us to the movies…he was still in diapers so I am guessing less than 3 years old. I don’t know that he had ever been to the movies, he sat and ate his popcorn and drank his Pepsi and then fell asleep in the a/c of the theater. These kids don’t know anything of air conditioning…or the pleasures of fountain drinks. Everything is a new experience for them.
Leyli found Julia on our first visit to the orphanage. She clung to her and they played from the first moment. I feel in love with a young baby girl named Guadeloupe and spent time holding her and rocking her. Ande was building with the men, and the boys were with their friends. I had no intention of bringing any of these children home. I went with a pretty closed mind. In my own selfishness, I had it in my mind that I was halfway through with homeschooling Julia, I didn’t realize that I had been counting down the days to my freedom. But about day 7, I shut down. I was ready to come home, I was tired of loving on these kids, I was tired of the smells, and my stomach was aching with diarrhea. I realized that I was building some pretty big fences. I had my defenses up. I could paint, I could work with the mother of the orphanage for admin stuff, I could work mindlessly through a list of things to do but I couldn’t look at the kids without crying. That was the first night that Ande mentioned bringing Leyli home with us to the states.
Ande talked to Chris the mother of the orphanage about Leyli, she told him that she had a brother there as well and that if they were ever adopted out that they would not be separated. Ande is in his wisdom kept feeding me this information to which I really didn’t reply. It is my heart to do women’s ministry…I want to travel, I want to do conferences…I can’t do that toting kids around. He asked me to pray about it. I prayed that God would change his heart. The next conversation that we had about it he asked me if I was willing to do it. Was I willing to lay it all down for these two…
Leyli and Darwin’s biological mother is a prostitute. She has had 6 children that Chris and Tim are aware of. Leyli is number 4 and Darwin is 5…Mom just had another one. Leyli and Darwin have been at the center since November. Their oldest sister Jenna is 11 and she is a foster child of Chris and Tim. The children have to be declared abandoned before they can be put up for adoption. Jenna, has been fostered for 4 years but the mom will not sign the papers for her to be adopted. If these children can’t be adopted that means when they turn 18 that one of their only options will be to return to their mother. They are an impoverished people and they don’t have the choices that we do here in the USA. The thought of Leyli having to live like that….
Yes, I was willing to lay it all down for them. Leyli is the only girl in her age group; the others are still babies and still have lots of opportunities to be adopted. It changed the trip for us. We began to spend as much as we could with Leyli and with little Darwin. We began to ask questions, lots of questions about their past. We began to tell them that we loved them, we began to hold them every chance we had. I know that we did other things but I don’t remember anything but their little faces.
The last day that we were there…there was another team there and they were taking the older kids to the zoo. It was going to be the last chance we had to spend with Leyli. Ande and I had to press in to see her. The other group was trying to block her and we just were persistent. That last half an hour…my heart was flooded with a love for this child. Before they pulled out I told her “I love you” and she said “I love you”. Then I backed up and made room for Ande. I told him to tell her I love you. He said I don’t know how. I told him just say it in English…he did and again she repeated it back to him. That is a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. I spent the rest of our time there coloring her a picture, because if I talked to anyone I was going to lose it. Te Amo…We love you, I wrote it at the bottom of the picture and left it on her bed.
Darwin sang a funny song and was making himself laugh. Ande got it all on video…almost like Darwin knew that things had changed for him. He has laughter in his young eyes. I look forward to him riding in Ande’s truck and hanging with Dad. I can’t think about it without my eyes tearing up. Even now Ande is reading about adoption and about the Nicaraguan government. We are committed.
Later in the evening, after we knew that they would be home from the zoo…Ande and Julia went back to the center to see Leyli. She was sleeping but they were allowed to wake her up and give her the purse, the socks and the hairbows that Ande had bought for his little girl. She saw them and immediately hugged Julia. Then she pulled the picture out that I had colored for her from under her pillow. I hate to think of her knowing that we were leaving…I hate to think of her thoughts the next day when we didn’t come to her.
We are already pricing plane tickets. It doesn’t appear that we can get back to our children before January. We pray for them constantly…we will begin to send money for them. We don’t know what God has in store for us, but whether we bring them here…or we have to go there to be with them…we will do whatever it takes. The biggest prayer request that we have right now, is that the children could be declared abandoned. Because no matter how prepared we get...if they are not adoptable the only option that we have is to move down there to foster them.
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