Today...

Today was one of those days where I can never seem to catch my breath.  I am not a clean house obsessed woman.  My house typically had enough dog hair in the corners to stuff a king sized blanket... it's just not my thing.  I clean when I am mad.  If you walk into my house and find me cleaning... it's usually a good idea to turn right around and head in the opposite direction.  Today for instance my children did their chores and then ever so politely asked to go outside due to the beautiful weather... they don't fool me.  They knew I was on a rampage and they had two options, either run outside or grab a mop.  

But this evening I am sitting here in my clean house and am full of wings.  I opted out of the gym tonight...  although they are open til 9 and I still might change by mind.  I cleaned out my dresser... and filled a yard bag full of clothes that I don't love... including every pair of pantyhose and tights I own.  I don't wear them why do I have to keep them?  I threw away a bunch of really worn out bras and a ton of panties that had seen better days.  I condensed my pj's down to one drawer.  I usually maintain 3 drawers of pjs but the new me needed one of those drawers for work out clothes... and I filled a whole drawer just full of camisoles.  I broke down when I found my Pappy's flannel pjs.  They were at the back of my drawer... I pulled them out and held them to my chest and I swear I could smell him.  There are days that I wish that I could just call him and talk to him... he always could comfort me and make me feel safe.

Today is one of those days that I find myself crying for no reason other than the sun is shining.  I know it has nothing really to do with the events of the day but it's my heart feeling the pain that I have blocked out for so long.  I hate to cry... I hate the vulnerability of crying.  So a day of crying I find exhausting.  I try to hold it in when I am around people.  This afternoon I couldn't stand it anymore and rode over and parked at the lake.  I just had to let some pressure off.  I find when I cry like that here at home it either starts a fight or everyone feels like they have to make it all better for me.  They want to take responsibility for it and it has nothing to do with them... or usually anything that they suggest it is.

There are some hurts that we just don't share.  Some thoughts we don't discuss.  They are just ours alone... to share with God and no one else.  Today was one of those days.  When I had to pour it out on the throne.  Where he had to wrap me up and hold me... because I wasn't going to make it.  This is a season of my life where I can't be comforted by others.  Not my friends, my husband, my kids... any of my old crutches.  I  have no option but to find a quiet place and just pour out my heart to God.  He is the only comfort I can find.  I was told today that there are many that want to comfort me through this time but God won't let them.  God is doing this one on one... me and him.  So I know that my blogs seem so random to some but it's just a dance that I do with God as my partner and Jesus as the lover of my soul.  The relationship is intimate and sometimes he allows me to share and others doesn't.  

I have been reading about strongholds... he told me to put the book down.  I keep wanting deliverance... he keeps bringing me back to shame.  I am like Lord, can't we work on fear?  He is adamant that we are on shame and it feels like we are going to be here forever.  Just when I think I have it licked... something else pings and I think I haven't gotten anywhere.  He reminds me that in war the land it taken battle by battle and inch by inch.  It doesn't mean that there isn't forward movement, or carnage... This is the battle of my life.  This is life or death for me.  Someone wonderful and wise told me today that God is battling the things that keep me from him.  It's not personal... he's not trying to kill me, he is trying to kill the things that keep me from him.  He wants to love me fully and until this shame is erradicated...I can only love him in part.  I can only love my children, my husband in part.

1 Corinthians 13:8-12 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

When I can love God fully, I can fully love others without hesitation. If I can trust God, I can begin to trust others.  My shame has kept me from trusting others.  I would rather throw you out of my boat than to trust you to help me.  Now there are some that have wiggled into my trust circle... they have taught me that trust can be a safe place.  

Lord, my hands are raised to you.  There is nothing else that I can do...I have tried to grab things with my hands and have just come up empty handed.  I raise up my arms to you in complete surrender and say I trust you and I love you enough for  you to teach me more about trust in love.  Father, I trust you, Jesus, I love you, Holy Spirit, I need you.

The post I didn't want to write...

"Lord, make me as holy as You can make a sinner saved by grace" - Oswald Chambers

The strength of what we believe is measured by how much we are willing to suffer for those beliefs. - commentary of NLT study bible.

I have alluded to the fact that six months ago my life was turned upside down.  Everything from my marriage, to my children, our business, our finances, our church, our friends... there was really very little that looks the same today as it did that Sunday evening.  I have yelled at everyone, including God... I have blamed everyone, including God... I have cried out for relief.  There were nights allI could do was to whisper the name Jesus over and over.  In the beginning I chased Christ with both hands open.  

Today, today, I have a heart for Christ... I want to search for Him, I know He is here with me... but I am looking for the defibulator dose of his power to restart my heart.  There has been so much change that sometimes I know that I have hardened parts of my heart to deal with later.  I believe that He and I are coming to those places now.  There are some pretty big issues that I think he really wants to take me to another level of healing on.  It seems that there are issues that are staring me in the face and I am thinking that we may need to at least explore them.

The one that I see so much in the last few days is abortion.  When I was fresh out of high school, not even by months, I got pregnant.  I was 18 and confused and asked the people around me for advice.  I take complete responsibility for my role, but I did take some advice and had an abortion.  Then 18 months later... I had another.  It worked the first time.  I know that the first one was in September and the second one was in Spring... but that's all I remember.  Just now I am realizing the disdain I have for fall, the saddness that usually comes may be tied to this.  I am processing some of this out loud.

I could blame the guy, or my accomplices to the hospital.  I could blame God for allowing life to form within me... but mostly I blame myself and have lived in shame of this for almost 20 years.  There is a comparison, I have always said there is no hierarchy of sin... maybe more to myself than anyone around me.  What I have come to understand is that I have murdered for my own benefit.  I have shut down a huge part of myself in trying to protect that part of my heart.  I have continued to look at myself as trash for those decisions.  I changed that fall.  I lost total regard for myself.  I cried when I got home and I remember thinking that I was never going to get past this.  I was alone... no one would understand.  Others went on, I alone have carried this burden.  

God has been awesome to give me 3 more beautiful children.  I have been blessed beyond measure with them.  But I know that there is a part of me that isn't all that I can be... there are times that I wonder what those other children looked like... what their hair smelt like... what their little toes would have looked like.  

I have strongly believed for a long time, that I was a horrible mother.  I have known that I was a murderer, and a manipulator.  I have done all that I can to create an illusion of goodness, of worthiness... all for nothing.  The strands of shame that started as a child became tree trunks at that time in my life.  Without those 2 events I believe that I would be more of a wife, a mother, a daughter.  I wouldn't have operated out of shame, and a sense of being less than for all of these years.  No one was as bad as me... no one else had murdered... but I had and that isolation is where shame grows... 

I have had healing in this area before.  I remember once being on my knees at our large church in Florida before I married Ande... and crying out to God.  My pastor then sat on the edge of the platform with his feet hanging over and I know that he too was crying as he watched me.  God gave me a vision or an understanding that he had those babies, and that one day I would greet them as their mother.  It was a balm to the wound.  The actual hurt of the event became less and less over time.  I looked at my new marriage and my new children as God's reassurance that He still loved me.  Albeit it only in part because I had burdened him with these other children.  (wow, that's a revelation for me this morning).

I have been crying out to God to show me the roots of my shame and he has been dilligent to do that for me.  I know that the deliverance is coming... but I feel like a child following a thread of yarn to a great discovery.  There are things along the way that bring on the tears and really break my heart like this morning.  I had no intention of talking about this on here.  But God said to... he is so good to teach me how to be more Eve like... naked and unashamed in his Garden of Eden... before the snake.  He is teaching me to be transparent... to live outloud.  He is my healer, and my hero.  I do desire to be more Christlike... I desire to walk in the grace that comes in my Father's sacrifice.  I am laying down my judgements of myself in an effort to lay down my judgements of others.  

I will add that I am prolife with every part of myself now.  When I was actually able to hear my own voice... I knew that I had gone against every fiber of my own being in an effort to please others.  They may as well have pulled out my backbone as well.  But it is fusing back together.  My warrior is rising up.  I know that she is.  This time not only for others, but for the creation of God that is myself.

Thank you Lord, for your love.  If you can create life within our bodies, I know that I know that I know that you can heal the hardness of my heart.  I cry out to you for these babies and say Lord, here I am use me.  

PS... will you kiss them for me today?

The winter we didn't have heat...

Somehow I am convinced that is how my children will look back at this winter.  It's one thing to walk through all of this and only see it through my own eyes but their eyes are also constantly watching to see what is going to come next.  The too have been erradicated from our church.  They don't know why we aren't there but they know that they haven't walked in the building for 6 months.  How does one unwind her children from a fence she was teaching them to climb?

They have listened to us talking to lawyers, dissolving this, moving that... If my heart is weary I have to expect theirs is as well to some extent.  They have watching us shut down our company, they have listened to Ande and I argue, they have watched me cry and have heard more in the last six months than in the rest of their lives, "We really can't do that".  

We have burned everything that we could to stay warm.  From old business checks to scraps of lumber than Ande brought home from a job.  We haven't gone hungry, we haven't lost our lights... and for now that is an accomplishment.  We have done everything we know to keep our kids comfortable and moving along at a normal pace... Alex my oldest said we have been hibernating... he's such a brilliant child.  Yes, hibernating is what we have been doing.

Spring is right around the corner and we are beginning to get joy in our bellies for what is coming next.  We know it won't look like it does now... we are open for options... we know it's coming... we just have no idea what it's going to look like.  Everything that we have built here is gone and we know it's time to move on.  We have looked around and have realized who are our friends... and who just wanted to exploit our talents and our abilities.   I am working on my bitterness because even I can read it in my writing.  

I am ready to shake the dust off my feet.  I am ready to fly and to be free from the bondage of shame by association... of the questions people ask... of the pain in being an outsider.

Shame...

Oh how I am sick of shame.  This past year has been about shame for me over and over and over.

Continuing in my study of strongholds...  SHAME plays a huge role.  I believe that I have lived in shame every day of my memorable life.  I am really trying to seek God's face on the event that really kicked it for me.  That really decided that I was bad and there was nothing anyone including God could do about it.  I was always going to let everyone down, I was always going to get it wrong.  

I can't put my finger on a specific event but there was a time period in my life where I can see the fruits of it.  Where a culmination of things happened all at once and changed me.  That taught me to put up my defenses.  To lie, to self-protect... to mask the true feelings.  I was in middle school when I started feeling like an outsider.  I was in high school when my shame was so hopeless that I would lie in bed and literally say to God, "If I am still awake at midnight tonight is the night I am going to kill myself."  I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for years since then.  Still sometimes the thoughts come.  I understand them better now, I know what they are trying to do.  However, they do come in waves and sometimes it can be overwhelming.  I believe that my suicidal thoughts are my ultimate self-preserving act.  I can't be hurt and I can't hurt anyone else if I am not here.  I kept a packed suitcase in the bottom of my closet for years... always waiting for the opportune time to run.  

I made so many mistakes, I did, I still do.  I put myself in bad places, I allowed myself to be abused by not standing up for myself.  I have had people not believe me about being abused.  It's all this huge castle of hiding myself.  Of losing my true identity.  Of not having healthy boundaries, of being passive and letting others make decision albeit awful ones for me.  Of putting on a mask that says I am ok when on the inside I am falling apart, broken and shutting everyone out so that they can't see it.  What would people think if they knew the truth.  I believe that part of my healing process is here, talking this out, being naked and vulnerable in small spurts, filling in the rest with sarcasm and humor... which are my favorite guards.  I am beginning to lay down my shame. 

 

2 Corinthians 4:2, "Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God."

I am beginning to understand this a little bit at a time.  What I know, in every part of me is that God loves me.  He created me, and he loves me.  Getting rid of my shame is going to take action on my own behalf.  I am going to have to put some umph into it.  It is something that God can deliver me from but only after I stop agreeing with the enemy and start agreeing with God.

“But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.”- Psalm 59:16

I chose God.  With every part of myself... I chose God.  Do I always get it right?  No, if I could I would and then I wouldn't need God.  I need a Savior, every day.  Everyday.  As I cry out to him, He is faithful to come and save me again from myself.  I am looking for true deliverance from shame.  I know that it is possible and I trust God to not start something and not lead me through until the end.

Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Thank you Lord for loving me enough to not leave me bound by shame.  

Vomiting dogs... and birthday parties... oh and too much diet Mt. Dew

Ok, I think I finally have my blog the way that I want it... for now!!  Thank you Lisa for scouring templates for hours this evening just for me to tweak my own... 

So Ande and Alex are camping... Adam is at Grandma's and in my posession and in my care are 2... count them 1...2 nine year old girls.  I outlasted them this time.  Usually they are the last ones to sleep and the first ones up.  Tonight, however they are both snoring and I am stuck here in cyber land playing with blogs, templates & images.  Woot Woot! 

So Zoe woke me up early this morning with an upset tummy and even now she isn't doing so hot.  She had a pretty good tummy all day but just  few minutes ago she had some more vomiting.  What a lovely thing to get out of bed to clean up at 1, almost 2 am.  But she is currently laying right here up against me and I think I hear the beginning of some snoring.

I had some great time with some friends today.  Birthday parting like crazy moms... except I should have eaten more cake.  One bite just didn't do it and right now I am wondering how big of a comotion I would start if I went back to Dawn's, crawled in her kitchen window and ate the rest of that super delicious train cake that Nanna made.  Well, I figure everyone is sleeping so if the deputies come for me there wouldn't be anyone to bail me out.  Imagine Ande coming down from camp tomorrow expecting me to come home from church but instead getting a phone call that his wife was in jail for breaking and entering to eat cake.  I think this whole no carb thing is going to my brain.  Well that and I had too much diet Mt. Dew too close to bed time.

The girls and I did play a few rounds of Rock Band tonight on the Wii.  We are awful. Julia and I have neither one got to ever play the guitar because it is alway in use by one of the boys in the house.  I get to sing... but only Roxanne, otherwise I am the drummer.  Julia likes to sing but what is funny is that she has never heard most of the songs.  Well I can't say that I have heard all of them either...but it's just cute.  I want them to come out with Country Band...now that is something I could sing along to... like I do in my Excursion (with the diesel running I am assured that no one can hear me).

Oh, for those of you that knew me when I was at coffeestainedcape...(and thought I was an overcaffeinated superhero) all of those posts have been transfered over here as of tonight.  So you can search through the archives if you have nothing better to do than watch the dust move in the sunshine.  I used to do that when I was a kid.  Then I would blow my nose because if all of that stuff is flying around... you know it's going up your nose and wrecking havoc.  Maybe I don't have blonde roots, maybe I just have inhaled too many dust particles.  Yeah... that's my story.  

Okay, Zoe has just sighed at me that it's time to turn the lights out.  It's been a fun day... well except the cleaning up the vomit part.