It was 78 degrees today...

My lover said to me,
“Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!
Look, the winter is past,
and the rains are over and gone.
The flowers are springing up,
the season of singing birds has come,
and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.

~Song of Solomon 2:10-12

Ok, most of you know that I grew up in Florida.  I remember when temperatures in the 70's meant breaking out winter clothes.  Then I moved to NC and 70's meant summer!!  Boy how times change.  But the changing of the clocks tonight means that Spring is sprung and we are going to be dancing in the daffodils soon!! 

I am reading this wonderful book by Lisa Bevere, "Kissed the Girls and Made them Cry".  It is hitting my square between the eyes.  The fact that I walked into a used bookstore on Thursday and just happened upon it reminds me of God's provision... and his perfect will for our lives.  God and His timing.  I find it impeccible.

"Even now," declares the LORD, 

"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

~Joel 2:12-13

Rend means to tear.  I think of the times in the Bible that people "rent" their clothes and I can imagine them falling to their knees in dispair and yelling up at the heavens and tearing starting at the neck of their tunics.  I hear God saying tear away what has covered you, what you have used to hide your shame and rip it away from your heart with purpose.  That's what He has been walking me through in the last few months.

I would say to you, welcome it with open arms.  When God wants to work on your heart... I will warn you it hurts like hell ripping hurts... but the master surgeon can and will... heal it.  I kept wanting a new one... but this one is mine and I kind of dig it.  It is full of love.

I love God.  With everything he gives me.  

The winter...

that we survived.

God is good all the time.  People are asking me what the future holds for us and I promise you that I don't know.  We will know in God's timing... we think we know but when we are honest about it we are unsure.  

I was reading Psalm 51 the other night.  It's the psalm that David wrote after the confrontation with Nathan the prophet.  I would just like to share it here...

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
and your judgment against me is just.
5 For I was born a sinner—
yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb,
teaching me wisdom even there.
7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me—
now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
and don’t take your Holy Spirit[d] from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord,
that my mouth may praise you.

16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
18 Look with favor on Zion and help her;
rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—
with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings.
Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

When I read this Psalm it was almost like the fog had lifted.  I was able to see things through God's eyes and not my own.  This was no longer David's Psalm it was my own.  My own cry to my Heavenly Father.  It seemed to cover everything that I had been thinking lately... especially about myself.  I know that David was pouring his heart out just as I was able to take his words and make them my own.  There was a breaking... a resolve that was quiet yet transforming.  In my effort to strive to be "good" all I had done was become a victim of the "to do" mentality.  In order to be a Christian you have to... you know what I am talking about.  Every denomination has them, I won't smoke, or drink, I will serve until I am empty and then serve some more.  God so got into my heart and said...

If you knew how much I loved you, how much I love to just sit and watch you.  I find you beautiful and intreging.  I adore listening to you breathe the breathe that I put into you.  I created you because I wanted to love you.  I need you, not to complete me but because I am so full of love and there is a special portion just for you.  You don't have to be afraid, I work on your behalf... and have since the creation of time.  There is nothing that you can do to make me stop loving you.  I love being the Lover of Your Soul.  I enjoy dancing over you, and whispering intercession on your behalf.  

It changed me.  It made me see my life so differently.  It made the main thing the main thing.  If I keep Jesus as the cake, my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my writing, my studying... they are but the icing.  They don't have the pressure of keeping me filled... or full... they just make life so much sweeter.  It brings peace to know that I can quit looking to them for my needs.  God is my provider, my husband and the lover of my soul.  He has numbered the hairs on my head and the heads of my family.  We are in His hand.  He has bonded us with the glue of crisis.  I look around and know with every ounce of myself... that we are reflecting more Christ now, than we ever have.  When God fills us overflowing with His love... we have no option but to pour it on others around us.

Thank you Lord... for your words, for your love, for your provision, your sacrifice.  You are what sustains me and I submit to your will.  Whatever that looks like.  My rock, my salvation, I take comfort in the palm of your scarred hand.  Bless you.  I love you.

Breakfast Burritos

So what do you eat the night after Olive Garden?  When you are still full of pasta and cheese, and breadsticks and all the goodness that you licked off your plate the night before? Especially if you have a hankering for spicy mexican goodness??

Low Carb (because that's how you roll after a night at Olive Garden)

Breakfast Burritos

High Fiber Low Carb Olay Wraps

10 eggs

1 pound of bacon (I used thick)

1/2 green pepper

1/2 red onion

1 tsp ground cumin

1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper

1 tsp sea salt

shredded colby jack cheese

optional...

sour cream

salsa

guacamole

hot sauce

Fry or bake your bacon.  In a seperate skillet in 2 tbsp of butter saute diced onions and green pepper.  When tender add spices.  Pour whipped eggs over top and scramble until done.  Allow everyone to assemble their own burritos with condiments and bacon.  Enjoy! Quick simple, and cheap!!  You could use sausage, ham... whatever really floats your boat.  

Be sure the check out my new cooking blog... 

Life just isn't fair...

Yeah... to which we parents reply, "Whoever told you life was fair, lied."

Ande and I have been doing no-carbs and working out at the gym 4-6 times a week.  Me ususally more than him at the gym.  So how is it that he is down 20 pounds and I am down... get this TWO.  Yeah, short of killing him there isn't really anything that I can do about it.  Now granted, I feel stronger, my heart feels stronger.  I was able to climb Max Patch without 1. dying and 2. hyperventilating.  However, I stand on the scale and I swear to you it laughs at me... OUTLOUD!

I just don't understand.  So today, while we were in Asheville picking up Alex's birthday gift (yeah we won't even talk about the fairness of that)... we were driving down Tunnel Road and I hear it... Jennifer...psst...Jennifer....over here.  At first I thought it was IHOP calling me but it wasn't.  We kept driving and Ande says so what do you want for dinner... IHOP I say.  Well Ande makes the best pancakes and they are much cheaper than IHOP (yes we had that conversation), so we keep driving and I am thinking... mexican... no our favorite mexican restaurant is within walking distance of our house.  Then I hear it... the italian accent... so sweet I swear it sounded like tiramisu tastes.  Think Carmela from Sopranos... Jennifah - Jennifah .... (Yeah I dreamt once I was Carmela and had a Porche Cayenne).  Olive Garden... bada bing bada boom!

So we are walking to the entrance and there was a debate between Olive Garden and Carrabba's.  Steak Marsala with cavatappi ameritriciana... oh yeah. However, we figured in our logic that Olive Garden was less expensive.  Meanwhile Alex is acting like we have just landed in Tuscany.  The boy says, "I don't remember ever eating here before."  That is the first time I have ever felt like a complete failure as a mother.  

Let the eating begin... we order stuffed mushrooms as an appetizer to go with our unsweet teas.  Yeah - same idea as going to McD's and ordering a Big Mac, a large fry, an apple pie and a Diet Coke.  I gorged myself out of my deprivation for pasta.  The salad was fabulous and oh my we aren't even going to discuss how many breadsticks I ate.  I was officially a member of the clean plate club.  Not one drop of sauce, one smidget of breading was left on my plate.  I didn't order dessert... I was proud of my will power.

So we are heading home and it hits me.  Carb guilt.  Shouldn't have eaten so much.  Should have only had a half of dozen breadsticks...  yeah it was bad.  In an effort to console myself I texted my friend and rubbed it in that I had Olive Garden for dinner.  Even her jealousy wasn't enough to curb the guilt.  So we got home and packed our gym bags and went to the gym.  I usually ride the bike for 30 minutes and do the elliptical machine for 30 minutes.  I threw an extra 1o minutes on the elliptical just to ease my troubled mind.  Then I stood on the scale and guess what... it says the same thing today that it did yesterday.  And suddenly all seemed right in the world.  Justice has prevailed and I had eaten carbs and hadn't even tipped the scale.  But tomorrow night, I am eating a no carb wrap and I am not going to complain one iota... because... well just because.  I want to lose these 35 pounds and I know that if I complain that they are just going to linger.  

Psalm 34:8  Taste and see that the LORD is good; 

blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Lord, thank you for a great day.  Thank you for happiness and laughter around a table with my husband and my children.  I am blessed today, not only by the pasta, but by your abundant love for me.  I dig being your favorite.  

The birds are singing...

Yeah I know that there was a huge snow... on the first day of March.  It should have dampened my spirit but it didn't.  It rejuvenated it!  There is something about the whiteness of snow that reminds me how cleansing God is.  How that is how he sees us... and those who have offended us... hurt us... He sees them as white as snow too.

We are walking out of a fog.  We are exiting crisis mode.  I looked at Alex the other day and told him that we were on the otherside and that we had survived.  It was hard... but I know that God did it for His divine purpose to get us to where we are.  Where we are is a beautiful place.  We didn't quit, we kept the ax to the grindstone and we let God have his way.  Spring is coming... despite the snow.  

There is a trinkle of joy flowing in my heart.  I didn't know if I had lost it forever... it's not flowing, yet.  The cleansing has begun and I am able to fully inhale to my lungs capacity.  My family is stronger, my kids are more mature... they blow my socks off actually.  We have bonded... we have survived and we have grown.  I am almost willing to say it was worth it to get here.  I didn't know that I would ever get to this point to say that.

There are still challenges and hurts... there are still things that I am laying before the throne, but I am able to do it.  That in and of itself is a major accomplishment.  I have cut off a lot... given up a lot... realized that I could do it without crutches.  Friends are essential... and loyal... and brave.  Those songs about you find out who your friends are.... are true.  My heart is full... my smile has returned. 

Thank you Lord... for finally turning on the light and giving me your vision.  For severing what I wasn't strong enough to do on my own.  Lord, I love you... and I do trust you with my future even with no details in place.  I used to say I just needed a forecast... Lord, I don't need anything but you.  You are my rock and my salvation.  Bless you Father.