I love God's word...

Really I do.  We were at church this morning for easter and the Pastor preached right out of Luke.  They Just Don't Get It... 

Luke 18:32-34, "He will be handed over to the Romans, and he will be mocked, treated shamefully, and spit upon. They will flog him with a whip and kill him, but on the third day he will rise again.” But they didn’t understand any of this. The significance of his words was hidden from them, and they failed to grasp what he was talking about."

Boy, do I understand that.  They failed to grasp what He was talking about.  Yeap, that's me.  It's nice to know that I am not the only clueless one out there.  Really it is.

In this season, so many have offered advice.  They have all said to me what I have been trained to say to someone in my situation.  I know all of the right answers, I am looking for revelation.  I am looking for something new, something exciting, something to kick start me back to being myself.  Something that will help me shake this depression... something that will give me a vision for the future... something that reminds me that God himself remembers me.  I know that I am in the palm of his hand, but have you ever been holding something so long that you forgot about it?  I know that I am not the only one.  You have done this... well I have done this -so there.

I am ready to pour out passion.  I am ready to be alive, to dance again.  I have been sitting so long, I am ready to dance.  My husband has said that I have put my life on hold, like I have just stepped off and have remained here.  I have given up everything that used to give me joy... and now I just do the bare necessities... He is right.  I know that it's time to get moving.  To re-engage.  Stop hosting the pity party of the century... Ok, here it goes...

God wrote me a love song...

Wanna hear it?  

No really, I was driving home earlier this week with the radio on.  My CD player ate 6 of my favorite CD's and for the last few weeks I have had to go back and forth between the local radio stations... 1 country, 1 classic rock, 1 staticy top 40 and the christian station.  Well I love christian music but lately it has all begun to sound the same so I found myself listening to more country... and my kids were amazed that I knew all of the words on the classic rock station.  But I was driving in the car alone and did what everyone stuck with radio does... flipped through all of the stations and finding nothing.  I purposed to change it to the christian station because I had been avoiding it, sometimes... well, you just don't want to hear how much God loves you when you don't feel it.  

So I am riding down the road and this song comes on...

I knew that God had played it just for me.  The first line grabbed me and held me... then the kicker was the "why are you still searching as if I am not enough"... Holy Cow... Lord, you got me, you have me.  I had been running... I have no idea where I was running to, but I knew what I was running from.  I could say it was the church, or the people, or my family... but it would be taking the easy way out.  I was running from God Himself.  I have been feeling like he has forgotten me.  

I know that others have experienced lots of teaching and preparation only to be set aside.  Paul was sent home for years after the road to Damascus incident... David hid in caves from Saul - after he had been told he was going to be King.  There seems to be a natural process.  A seperation from everything that has defined you... to sort through what is really you and what has become a defense mechanism.  What is personality and what is reactionary... what you were made to be versus what you have become.  There are some things you can't be taught in Bible College... or even ministering to others.  Until you learn to minister to your own needs there really isn't any need to practice on anyone else.  

I have heard the voice of God... and have begun to fertilize myself with worship and realizing that I need to get back into his Word... and His will for me.  I still have no answers, I have no idea, if and when... we just know that something is coming.  What?  Who knows... no one but God.  I still deal with a lot of anxiety.  We are working on it... my emotions boil under the surface.  My flesh cries for comfort.  I find myself shopping too much... isolating more than I should... and cleaning.  Three of my indicators that I need to find an outlet for some tension.  I am touchy, and emotional, and really there is no one to turn to by God.  My friends try, my kids - my husband... my family.  

Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none

Psalm 69:20

God, I know that you see me... I know that you do.  I don't understand, but I know that you have it under control.  Lord, forgive me of my anxiety.  Lord, I do want you in charge, I do want nothing less than your destiny for me.  For my family.... Lord, I am tired, and all of my hope is in you.  I am grasping at straws, I am in a state of controlled chaos... but my heart beats hard in my chest and my fears like to dance on my emotions.  I am ready to give up... yet I don't know what to do except to call for you.  I don't want anything but you... I just want the ministry of you.  I just long to sit at your feet and to feel what your Word talks about.  Right now... I don't feel anything.

36 Years....

So today is the day I celebrate the 20 year anniversary of my 16th birthday... and the 15th anniversary of my 21st birthday.  Maybe I am just looking at life through the rear view today... but what I know is that I am God's favorite.  There are times that I can get sad... and wonder how that 16 year old girl ended up here.  How those years between 16 & 21 were so influential in my life in general.  I am feeling a little bit old today... a little nostalgic... and a yet accomplished and secure in a way I haven't known before.

I do know more of who I am... I have had some tough lessons in leaning only on the strength of God (though retail therapy continues to be a weakness - 4 pairs of shoes - 9 days.... yeah, even the lady at Dress Barn was amazed).  I have more confidence in myself and my endurance.  Endurance has been the word of this season for me... from Backpacking, to serving, to breathing through the storm.

God has seperated the wheat from the tare in my life.  Last year this time, my phone rang constantly and I was busier than a billy goat... this year, it's a lot more laid back.  It's a lot slower lifestyle.  I have enjoyed spending more time with my kids, with my husband, with my dogs.  Hiking, biking, camping... working out... just having a great time.  Growing deep roots... and building a stronger family.  I had so much baggage that I didn't realize that I was toting with me everywhere I went... I am much lighter now.   I remember thinking this time last year that it was the happiest I had ever been.  I have pondered that a lot today and I have decided no... right now, is the happiest I have ever been.

I am blessed with friends that truly care about me and not just a bunch of people that want to be vampires in my life.  I have people that love me for just who I am.  There is security in that... there is a knowing in that.  My husband tonight as he was blessing our dinner said that he is looking forward to the next 36 years... I don't know if he was just saying that to earn brownie points (with God or I, I can't be sure).  But there is security in that.  

I do look forward to the rest of my life.  I look forward to the adventure that God has for me.  I look forward to marriages and babies, and time spent loving my kids and being Momma.  I love being Momma... and Honey... and my Daddy's Baby Girl. 

Friends.. the wind beneath my wings.

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.  ~Donna Roberts

I don't know about anyone else... or how they survive without them but the lift I need when I am down... is my girl friends.  We all have people we know but I can honestly say that in my life time until I met my friends here that friendship wasn't something I was good at.  I have walked away from some people I have really cared about... but the friendship wasn't healthy and there was a time to let go and to heal.  I really didn't know anything about friendships until I hit my thirties. 

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.  ~Elisabeth Foley

Now I have one friend from middle school and despite the fact that we have been friends for over 20 years and haven't lived in the same town forever... she is the one I call when I want to remember who I used to be.  She reminds me of high school and how far I have come... she is one of the greatest encouragers on this adventure of my life.  But we don't family together, we don't know each other's kids... we are phone friends that would jump on a plane in an emergency and use each other's homes as fall out shelters.  

A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.  ~Grace Pulpit

The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had.  ~Author Unknown

Then I have my life friends, our kids are in similar activities, we parent each others kids, we hold each other accountable.  We love one another and we are dependable friends.  We are loyal, we are practical and these friends know that my toilet often has an orange ring and that there are hair balls larger than cats under most of my furniture.  These are the friends that will make sure that my toes are painted when they put me in the grave and that there is not moldy food in my fridge.  These are the friends that my children will look to for strength... and call things like Momma2 and beg to spend time with.  They feed my entire family... and there is a level of understanding that you don't get with just anyone.  I love these friends. These are the friends that when crisis hits, sit with you, never uttering a word - but just sitting. Not demanding... just bringing comfort in their presense.

A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.  ~Donna Roberts

I have some friends that are only "my" friends.  Our husbands don't spend any time together.  Our children know one another but they don't spend any time together.  These are the friends that hold my hair and pet me when I sob uncontrollably.  These are the friends that expect the best out of me at all times.  When I stumble they immediately come along side and direct me back to my Savior.  They pray for me, they encourage me with scripture... they are my therapist and my greatest source of edification.  They never leave me to my own devices... they never crawl into the pit with me.  They have earned the right to speak into every area of my life.  They are my mentors, my friends... my strength.  They call me out of the darkness and remind me of God's purpose in my life... being with them makes me a better person... and strengthens my relationship with Jesus.  They ask the hard questions... and they wait for the answer even in my evasive attempt the change the subject.  

A real friend is someone who would feel loss if you jumped on a train, or in front of one.  ~Author Unknown

My husband is my adventure friend.  When I want to hike, or mountain bike... when I want to be challenged physically and to get dirty... he is that friend.  He is beginning to get more and more of my hurts and as I allow him to see my vulnerable side he is learning how to deal with my pain and my tears.  He is my protector, my warrior... and my Mr. Fix it.  However, he brings out my endurance... and shows me things about myself that I never would have learned if I hadn't hiked those 5 miles...  We parent together, we plan vacation together... we ride out this adventure of life together.  He can hurt me more than anyone else... and has... but he is one of the most faithful people I have in my life... he doesn't walk away when it gets hard.  He digs in his heels and says... this may be the pathway to hell but we are walking together.  

What I know is that all of these people shape me.  They have seen me over the last few years lay down my cloak of protection... They have seen me without my mask.  They have encouraged me to love myself... so that I could love them better.  They have taught me to trust myself... and to let down my guard.  Whether they are in my life everyday, or on my IM window... they have sought to know me... the have deemed be deserving of thier time and energy... and they bless my socks off.  Constantly... and everyday.  They are the chocolate icing on my cake.  They make it bearable... and I am honored to call you all my besties... because you all have a place in my heart.  

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely.  Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

You can find more great friend quotes here.

May the Lord bless you and keep you... until we meet again. 

Hey Lucy I am home...

Just a quick update that we are home from the beach.  We had a great time and already my skin is yearning for more sunshine. Weather.com says I should see the sun tomorrow and that makes me happy!!

I have been feeling a little frumpy lately.  Nothing like a trip to the beach to remind you what women in bathing suits look like and then looking at pictures of your trip to remind you of what exactly you yourself look like.  Nothing a new large pair of hoops and some layers in your hair can't fix.  I am going to be 36 next week... I am feeling a little rough for the wear and tear and I am thinking that I am going to really take advantage of this change to whip myself into shape.  I did spend hours riding bikes with my family on the camping trip and it is something that I enjoy I am hoping that as the weather clears I will be able to get outside and get more exercise.  Not that I mind going to the gym but I prefer hiking to the elliptical and I prefer scenery as opposed to a stationery bike.

I kept looking for God at the beach since I haven't really been able to find Him here in the mountains.  The new well isn't at the beach either.  Old tricks... the beach used to be able to sooth my soul... now it's just a really great place to vacation with my family.  I have so many memories of the beach that sometimes I have a hard time getting through the memories to look towards the future and I really think that is what happened this trip.  But I still love the sand and the sun... and I really love hearing my children laugh over the sound of the waves.  It was a good time but coming up I-26 when the mountains were in view it all came rushing back and my escape from reality was over.  Back to these mountains... and back to the chapter that I am really ready to finish in my life.  

My heart is heavy tonight and I am not sure if it is for me or for a friend of mine going through some life altering stuff.  The choices that we make impact everything years down the road and I can only pray that she follows God and where He is leading her.  She is on my mind because of some of the things that she has shared with me lately and I know the pain, and I emphasize on too many levels... and part of me wants to stand up and applaud her and part of me wants her to think it through a little longer.  Part of me wonders if she just doesn't have more gumption... and if I am not just a slight jealous that she is flying in a new direction and I am still tethered to where I don't belong any more.  Either way... I love her, and her family and tonight they are on my heart.  I didn't have any advise for her... *I know, right?* but I can hug her and remind her that we love her and support her 100%... always have... always will.

For now, I am going to go ahead and close the laptop and try to get some reading done.  I am reading The Gospel of Ruth by C. James.  It is really thought provoking and I am sure that I will be sharing some of it soon.  Good night my friends... May the Lord bless you and Keep You until we meet again.