IF = I Fear

My stomach has been giving me a fit for days.  My anxiety levels are off the charts. I am tempted to be a "mean" girl and certainly tempted to be a "mean" mom.  I don't do change well, even if I have had months to prepare, I am slow to transition.  Wish it wasn't that way. My flesh and my body revolt even as I try to keep my spirit in check.

I have been doing Beth Moore's study on Esther titled "Its Tough Being a Woman". I have to agree with her.  Somedays it just tougher than others.  With just over a week left here in Florida my kids have finally kicked into revolt mode.  Not that they are being bad or crazy, they are just expressing their anxiety and I get that. Honestly, going back to NC does that to all of us.  Are our friends going to want to see us, is it better to just not make contact at all. There are a few that I want to see but as a whole I am pretty much planning to sticking my nose down and doing what needs to get done so that we can move on.  My defenses are already planning an attack and I think that's what is happening to my kids as well.

We were hurt there, all of us, in one way or another.  Everything that we knew, well, is gone. My oldest son, the one thing he was really looking forward to, decided it was easier to not engage.  He is heartbroken, but will do what it takes to get through the process. Me as a Mom, I want to fight his battles for him, but I know that this is his testimony, this is his walk to salvation and I can only silently point him in the right direction.  My middle son, he doesn't appear bothered by the process of going to NC, he is more bothered by the process of leaving Florida.  He in the last 2 weeks has discovered girls.  Don't know that I am prepared for that. One always primping is enough, 2 of them constantly texting and engaging with girls, oh jeez.  My little girl, who well isn't quite so little anymore, she doesn't want to have to say goodbye to her best friend, AGAIN. Did I mention that I too was feeling a little anxious?

My husband sent us all dogtags that contain the Joshua 1:9 verse that we are all declaring right now.  We wear them with pride and keep the verse in the forefront of our minds. Being a military family we are accustomed to acronyms. IF = I Fear. What if. The IFs are out to kill us all. Fear is what pours concrete around our ankles and keeps our minds in confusion. My kids and I have been amazed as we have read the bible especially over the last year how many times God, the Angel of God, and or Jesus start so many statements with "Fear Not". That is the command most given in the Bible.  More than love, more than do this, or don't do that. Fear Not. FEAR NOT.

I do have a lot of fears in this move. It hits on a lot of different levels and a lot of different experiences in my life.  It conjures up moving from Atlanta to Jacksonville in 1999, when I thought we would all die in that car wreck.  It dances all over moving from Jacksonville to Puerto Rico in 1994. Jacksonville to North Carolina in 2002. Saying goodbye is never easy.  Loading up everything and reestablishing yourself somewhere else is hard at best. I am still learning to let my theology trump my experience. So I have to play the worst case scenario game and come to understand that no matter what God is still the answer. That no matter what this looks like God is with me, Jesus is interceding on my behalf- dancing over me even, the Holy Spirit is comforting me even as I kick my feet and try to hold onto to something that really has no significance in the Kingdom only in my little world.

I again find myself singing this song...




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We Aren't Losing Anything

As this transitional phase comes to an end my kids are talking about leaving what we have found here.  It has definitely been an adventure and the people that have come into our lives during this season have been pivotal in our journey.  Now that the "crisis" seems to be over, there is some sadness to leave here.  What God has been telling all of us is that we aren't losing this, we have gained this.  There are some relationships that we will take with us.  There have been friendships formed that will last the test of distance.  We have been blessed here, I can see it in the eyes of my children, I can feel it within my own heart. There has been a lot of reconciliation here.  From family relationships to long lost friendships.  It's been a long six months.  It has proven to be one of those defining moments that changes you forever.

It is always bittersweet to step into a new chapter.  I remember flying to Puerto Rico almost 16 years ago, I was excited about starting my new life with my new husband, even as my Dad held me and cried. Everyone was at the airport to watch me leave, my family, my best friends. They have had to say goodbye to me so many times since then as the chapters of my life have unfolded.  Those who are lifelong, have never been too far away.  Even if distance was an issue, there are bonds that just can't be broken. The other thing that I have discovered is that you never lose them forever.  With this move I will be closer to one of those people that stood beside me at my wedding, that was at the airport that day when I left to start off on the adventure of marriage. More sweetness to add to the bitterness of leaving here.

Raising my kids in NC, they have missed out on really getting to have a relationship with my parents.  There is nothing cuter than my daughter curled up with my Dad on the couch giving Grandma grief.  My Dad started driving last year, and he is home for 3 days every three weeks and his granddaughter loves nothing more than for him to be here.  She always threatens to tie him to the bed so that he can't leave again.  There is something special in that bond.  Grandma has been great to take the kids on their special dates.  Trying to invest in them in ways that they weren't able to do when we lived so far away, and may not get to again over the next couple of years.

I guess the greatest joy of this, is that I know that I am not alone.  When we first moved to NC and started attending our church there I purposed myself to build friendships, to create a hedge of protection for myself.  I love people, I just do.  I love interacting with people, gregarious is a word used to describe me.  I love to observe and study relationships.  It's just part of who I am. The lie comes that I am walking into this with no friends.  The fact that I am moving somewhere new, again with no church family, no friends for my kids, or myself could be daunting and force me to live in the land of fear. However, I know better.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." ~John 15:9-17

Jesus, calls me His friend.  No matter where I go, He goes with me.  I walk into this new chapter, knowing that I need to love His people, love the ones that don't know Him.  Love them like He loves me, knowing that there is possibility of pain and heartbreak.  Yet, knowing, that I know the Healer, I have a friend that will listen to my ever hurt without judgment and just pour out a love on me that can't compare to any of the scratches I may receive along the way.  That is my hope, that is where my joy comes from.  Grace and Mercy abound!

Realize that you are blessed and loved extravagantly, then bless others by loving them outrageously.
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Separation

"The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." ~1 Corinthians 7:4-5

As I was switching over laundry just a bit ago this verse came to mind.  My husband and I have been separated since October 8th of last year.  There has been some visits through out that time but for all essential purposes, have gave mutual consent to the separation.  We knew that we were in transition, we knew that the kids and I needed to be here in Florida, we knew that he needed to stay there in North Carolina until the Army opened up a spot for him.  What we did carnally, was agree to God's greatest give of reconciliation. We had no idea at the time.  I wasn't sure we would survive the finances, the shutting down of our corporation, the eviction of our church family.  I wasn't sure that our marriage was going to endure losing everything.  There were moments that I wanted peace and rest at all costs, even if that meant my marriage.

God has been so good to meet me in this place, I know that sounds so cliche, however, it is so true.  I have spent almost 6 months allowing God to heal my heart, my pains, my wounds.  I have begun to pull back the bandages and realize the actual healing that has taken place.  I would never want to go through the process again.  It is always my prayer that I would learn the circumference of this tree that I am tied to.  But, I am thankful for the fruit of the prayers.  The opening of my heart and the reconciliation of a marriage that a year ago, was on a rocky road to no where.

I have talked before about the separating of the pens from the pencils, and how God has sat with me over the last few months and helped me sort my issues from my subscriptions. Day by day, little by little, he has pulled out the shame that was so intertwined into my core that I could barely breathe. He has purposed to show me the good and not just the bad in the snapshots of my life.  I had pictures I wouldn't look at, parts of town that I would avoid, just to not have to face the pain, or be overwhelmed with the anger and anxiety that they induced in me.  I haven't always gotten it right (somehow I feel relief that God never expected me to) and God has allowed healing into the places that I was willing to reveal and look through his lenses to see.

I believe that it's only through this separation that this healing could begin.  I can't tell you the hours that I spent full of anxiety about my marriage.  It became and idol and stole my time in a way that I am just beginning to understand.  I had to break agreement with a lot of judgments and inner vows I had made growing up.  I had to learn to let Jesus be my Lover, I have had to learn to lean on Him first.  I would never say it was easy.  I would never say that I have it all together now.  I am not the same.  I don't look at things the same way.  I don't want to be so desperate for my husband that I forget sight of my true love. The reintegration of our family will probably bring new challenges.  Old habits die hard.

"Throughout the period of his separation he is consecrated to the LORD." ~Numbers 6:8

I am thankful for the time alone learning to be heartsick for my Lover. I am also thankful that reconciliation has taken place and that I also long to be married to my husband for the rest of my life. It wasn't a pretty road, but it was one that brought me to the place that I could trust my heart, trust my husband, but most importantly trust my God.

I am blessed.




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Patience, we are His Patients.

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”- Jeremiah 17:7-8

We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world. ~Helen Keller

Patience, to my understanding is the greatest test of faith.  I have heard many times not to ask God for patience because it isn't something that He gives you, it's something He teaches you.  We are still waiting for the next leg of our journey.  Still unsure where our final destination of this journey will put us.  The pure endurance of this process has begun to leave me feeling out of sorts.  I don't know why the last few days before change become the hardest.  Our patience is testing on a new level and it's easy to succumb to the anxiety.  I have listened to friends stories as the countdown to the homecoming of their loved ones coming back from "over there" and all of the stories seem to hit a crescendo in the final days.  I feel like I am beginning that season.  Just this morning I was begging God for something new, something to hold on to, to encourage myself with.  I am tired, at the end of myself, and I am beginning to lose my ability to make this okay for other people.  Making it okay for myself and my kids is tough enough.

So this morning I go into church and guess what the message is about.  Be patient. I so wish that I carried a Nerf gun with me to church this morning because I would have loved to shoot my Pastor.  That's nothing new.  Patience.  Wait. It's almost over.  Reminds me of one of my husbands compassionate coworkers when I was pregnant with my oldest son.  He told me I looked like I was going to explode.  I was going to explode alright, all over him.  I am thankful that no one has tried to encourage me during this season, or to tell me that it's all going to be okay, it's almost over because I am thinking that my reaction would remind me of the tension I felt that day.  Yes, I am about to explode but Captain Obvious I don't need you to remind me of that.

Patience is my biggest challenge of my faith.  Do I trust, yes.  Do I have faith, yes.  I know it's all going to be okay.  However, my preference would be that I would know NOW.  It feels like I am again (or still) in this holding pattern.  I am a mother of 3 kids, there are things that need to be arranged for where we are going.  There are doctors to pick, activities to enroll in. Sometimes I just wish that I knew where we were going so that I could plow through my list of things I need to do.  God however, has kept me on the table, He is still working on me.

I am His patient.  He is digging deep roots, He is trying to get me to relax and enjoy this time next to the river so that He can feed me from Himself.  I just want to jump off the table and run with my gown gapping in the back and He has His hand on my knee telling me to let Him finish the procedure.



Lord, keep me here as long as you need to.  I am here, enduring, trusting and receiving your love.  My receiver is wide open.  You are God and I am not, and I am more than okay with that.
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Trusting God instead of Pleasing God

I have been in a struggle for the last few days.  I am reading TrueFaced by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol & John Lynch. I am also doing a bible study called One in a Million by Priscilla Shirer.  TrueFaced teaches that you can't control sin, until you have entered the room of grace.  That until we truly understand God's definition of us we are only trying to control our sin, that we are trying to go into the room of good intentions.  This really lines up with my spirit and my own theology.  One in a Million I find to be trying to teach me to do the right thing in a feeble attempt of pleasing God.  I know that I am in the bible study for a reason but while doing my homework my heart is yelling, "I don't need more pressure to do the right thing, it's only through God's grace and his definition of me that enables a face to face relationship with Him."

We are a fallen people, we have sin in our lives, no matter how pretty we try to make it, how many discipleship classes we take, we can not control our sin.  When the mask begins to break and people begin to see the real us they shove us out the door because we are no longer willing to put on the fake Sunday morning smile and fake it until we make it.  God so wants us to be real.  Fragile, broken vessels that love Him and seek a relationship with our Savior, not do the best we can in an attempt to earn a gold star on the chart, that if we earn enough we will enter the gates of heaven.  He knows that we are broken, frail and hurting.  We are in his righteousness, He gave it to us and there is nothing that we could do to earn it, or to keep it, because it is already paid in full and when we get that, then we take our brokenness to Him, and He wraps His arm around us and says, "Yes, Beautiful One, I know, I know, but let's face this together as joint heirs, as friends.  Don't let it keep us separated but allow it to pull us closer together."

I don't know about you, but I beat myself up over my sin.  Daily, sometimes moment by moment.  My anxiety is sin, my mouth, Lord knows my mouth sins, I lean onto my own understanding way too often.  Then, I beat myself up over it.  If God were bigger in my life, if I take one more class, if I listen to one more lecture, maybe, just maybe the light will go on and I will be able to do the right thing and be qualified enough.  Jesus was the only human to be with out sin.  He had scars, but He had no sin.  Our sins, were the causes of His scars.  He paid the price for them already.  So trying to keep them at bay, trying to live in holiness without grace, we just find guilt and condemnation.  Satan says we can do it on our own, we don't need face to face, if we just get it right finally, then we will be better.

"In essence, God says,"What if I tell them who they are? What if I take away any element of fear in condemnation, judgment, or rejection? What if I tell them that I love them, will always love them?  That I love them right now, not matter what they've done, as much as I love my only Son? That there's nothing they can do to make my love go away?
"What if I tell them there are no lists? What if I tell them I don't keep a log of past offenses, of how little they pray, how often they have let me down made promises they don't keep? What if I tell them they are righteous , with my righteousness, right now? What if I tell them they can stop beating themselves up? That they can stop being so formal, stiff, and jumpy around me? What if I tell them I'm crazy about them? What I tell them, even if they run to the ends of the earth and do the most horrible, unthinkable things, that when they come back, I'd receive them with tears and a party?
"What if I tell them that if I am their Savior, they're going to heaven no matter what- it's a done deal?  What if I tell them they have a new nature- saints, not saved sinners who should now 'buck-up and be better if they were and kind of Christian, after all he's done for you!' What if I tell them that I actually live in them now? That I've put my love, power, and nature inside of them, at their disposal? What if I tell them that they don't have to put on a mask? That it is ok to be who they are at this moment, with all their junk. That they don't need to pretend about how close we are, how much they pray or don't, how much Bible they read or don't.  What if they knew they don't have to look over their shoulder for fear if things get too good, the other shoe's gonna drop?
What if they knew I will never, ever us the word punish in relation to them. What if they knew that when they mess up, I will never "get back at them?" What if they were convinced that bad circumstances aren't my way of evening the score for taking advantage of me? What if they knew the basis of our friendship isn't how little they sin, but how much they let me love them? What if I tell them they can hurt my heart, but I will never hurt theirs? What if I tell them I like Eric Clapton's music too? What if I tell them I never really liked the Christmas handbell deal with the white gloves? What if I tell them there is no secret agenda, no trapdoor? What if I tell them it isn't about their self-effort, but allowing me to live my life through them?" (TrueFaced pps 51-52)



Wallow in it today.  Wallow in His love.  Be blessed, then be a blessing. Love always wins.
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