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11.29.2010
Too Many Opportunities
Months ago when I picked the layout for this page I found it very appropriate that I was sitting at a table with coffee with a reserved sign on the other seat. It just seems so appropriate for my life and especially this morning after dropping my husband off for two weeks. I know that I am never alone at the table, I know that his love and His love remain there, and that as my husband goes out and does his job that my Father will occupy that seat and be my husband in a way that only He can do when I find myself being Mrs. Dad.
I have been juggling so much lately. No always so successfully. I took 15 credit hours of classes this semester and ended up with 12 credits. My anxiety seems to sit comfortably at an 8. I still feel disconnected. I still long for the things I once knew, I feel like I have moved out on my own for the first time without Mom & Dad being there to direct my every move. I was so ingrained in the church lifestyle and culture to come out of it for so long, even now, I miss worship, I miss the encouragement, I miss people praying for me; actually laying hands on me and praying for me.
My culture now is so different; my role and my responsibility seem to be familiar. There are still darts coming from the back, I am still doing a lot of administrative work, I am still sitting on my porch trying to listen to the hearts of the people that relate their back stories to me. The biggest difference is that I am getting nothing in return from the people around me. I am always inviting others over, yet no one invites us anywhere. I have wives that get mad at me because I missed a status on Facebook. I just sometimes feel so alone and isolated and that there is no one in my corner. Just this morning when I woke up at 0300 I was dreaming that I was encouraging others to keep going along on this path all the while spearing huge snapping turtles that kept getting in my path. That probably describes it better than anything else I can come up with.
It amazes me that people believe that between homeschooling my kids, going to college full-time, being a part of the FRG, selling Scentsy and my husband being gone for weeks at a time, that I get up every morning and come up with a list of the things that I can do to make their lives a living nightmare. I am lucky to remember to buy milk for my kids, they often have to remind me that it's time to eat; I often wear mismatched socks... I promise I don't have the stamina or the where with all to come up with such mischievous plans.
My Father is all I have left in times like this. My faith is what keeps me moving forward, even when my eyes are full of tears, even when my heart seems beyond repair, when I feel bludgeoned. People’s lives move on. The ones that used to support me, pull me out of the ditch, they aren’t there. I have to pull myself out. I have to trust that God has something for me. I am not in crisis mode, but I am in pre-deployment mode and I feel like everyone is looking at me to be the strong one. I just trust God’s daily deposit of grace and mercy increases over the next few months. I have to reevaluate my priorities and find time to get back in the word. Maybe find a good bible study, something to hold me accountable. I miss studying the word.
When we went to a financial advisor a couple of years ago he said that we were presented with “too many opportunities.” That’s how I am feeling right now. There are too many opportunities to get involved, too many opportunities to get distracted, too many opportunities to use my use my gifts and talents, too many opportunities to have too many people attack.
So this morning I am trying to organize my thoughts, despite the fact that it’s so early in the morning. I need to get a good to do list. I need to balance my checkbook; I need to see where I am before I can move on. I need to take care of my responsibilities, but first I needed to get a hold of my Father. Listening to worship music and blogging is the best way I know to do that right now.
Love always wins. Be blessed, and then be a blessing. I am blessed, I just need to take account of that, rebuke this anxiety, wallow in the love of my Father and do the first things first. I love you all. Honestly. Keep the faith. You are loved extravagantly; you are the apple of His eye, He smiles when He looks down at you, even if you are struggling. That is where my strength comes from.
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I have been juggling so much lately. No always so successfully. I took 15 credit hours of classes this semester and ended up with 12 credits. My anxiety seems to sit comfortably at an 8. I still feel disconnected. I still long for the things I once knew, I feel like I have moved out on my own for the first time without Mom & Dad being there to direct my every move. I was so ingrained in the church lifestyle and culture to come out of it for so long, even now, I miss worship, I miss the encouragement, I miss people praying for me; actually laying hands on me and praying for me.
My culture now is so different; my role and my responsibility seem to be familiar. There are still darts coming from the back, I am still doing a lot of administrative work, I am still sitting on my porch trying to listen to the hearts of the people that relate their back stories to me. The biggest difference is that I am getting nothing in return from the people around me. I am always inviting others over, yet no one invites us anywhere. I have wives that get mad at me because I missed a status on Facebook. I just sometimes feel so alone and isolated and that there is no one in my corner. Just this morning when I woke up at 0300 I was dreaming that I was encouraging others to keep going along on this path all the while spearing huge snapping turtles that kept getting in my path. That probably describes it better than anything else I can come up with.
It amazes me that people believe that between homeschooling my kids, going to college full-time, being a part of the FRG, selling Scentsy and my husband being gone for weeks at a time, that I get up every morning and come up with a list of the things that I can do to make their lives a living nightmare. I am lucky to remember to buy milk for my kids, they often have to remind me that it's time to eat; I often wear mismatched socks... I promise I don't have the stamina or the where with all to come up with such mischievous plans.
My Father is all I have left in times like this. My faith is what keeps me moving forward, even when my eyes are full of tears, even when my heart seems beyond repair, when I feel bludgeoned. People’s lives move on. The ones that used to support me, pull me out of the ditch, they aren’t there. I have to pull myself out. I have to trust that God has something for me. I am not in crisis mode, but I am in pre-deployment mode and I feel like everyone is looking at me to be the strong one. I just trust God’s daily deposit of grace and mercy increases over the next few months. I have to reevaluate my priorities and find time to get back in the word. Maybe find a good bible study, something to hold me accountable. I miss studying the word.
When we went to a financial advisor a couple of years ago he said that we were presented with “too many opportunities.” That’s how I am feeling right now. There are too many opportunities to get involved, too many opportunities to get distracted, too many opportunities to use my use my gifts and talents, too many opportunities to have too many people attack.
So this morning I am trying to organize my thoughts, despite the fact that it’s so early in the morning. I need to get a good to do list. I need to balance my checkbook; I need to see where I am before I can move on. I need to take care of my responsibilities, but first I needed to get a hold of my Father. Listening to worship music and blogging is the best way I know to do that right now.
Love always wins. Be blessed, and then be a blessing. I am blessed, I just need to take account of that, rebuke this anxiety, wallow in the love of my Father and do the first things first. I love you all. Honestly. Keep the faith. You are loved extravagantly; you are the apple of His eye, He smiles when He looks down at you, even if you are struggling. That is where my strength comes from.
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11.26.2010
Hiatus is over...
It wasn't my intention to stay away for so long, life has just been busy here in central TX. I had a girlfriend send me a message through Facebook this morning that she had read my testimony this morning and how it touched her an related so much to her life.
I have to admit that moving here and coming back into the active duty military life has been a real challenge to my character. We have not found a church here to replace the family that I once considered to be my everything. I keep asking God to bring that sense of security back to me and He keeps reminding me that He is digging a deep well within me. I may never find that sense of family again, I may never be a part of a church family like that again, but that He alone is my source.
I have struggled in that for months now and when I spoke to my mentor about it she told me that God has already given me the resources to tap into that. This morning when my friend sent me that message it was if God was answering my question, "How do I get back to YOU"? This blog has always been that for me. God often make my fingers type things that I needed to hear, or has given me revelation in trying to coordinate my thoughts for an entry. So I am coming back to where God speaks the most clearly with me and that is right here.
It is my intention to continue my series on the effects of porn on families. It seems such a foreign topic to me now, one that used to occupy all of my thoughts, when deliverance comes it's as if I don't spend as much time fretting or concerning myself with it anymore. I know that there are others out there struggling and having been there I will do whatever I can to share my experience and the grace of God with those that haven't come through to this side yet.
For today, I just am thankful for a loving and merciful God that has allowed me to walk my own path. Who has taught me some very hard lessons that I now get to share with others around me. I have used many of these skills in the last few months in my interactions with others here in my new culture. My heart breaks for those that are battling a lot of different topics and it is my heart to minister to them, but I can't do that if I am not plugged in. So here I am this morning to plug back into my source, to acknowledge that I have walked away from my one true love as the top priority in my life.
Thank you for following my adventure.
Going back to the basics... Be Blessed then be a Blessing.
Love from Fort JenniLee to you wherever you are~~
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I have to admit that moving here and coming back into the active duty military life has been a real challenge to my character. We have not found a church here to replace the family that I once considered to be my everything. I keep asking God to bring that sense of security back to me and He keeps reminding me that He is digging a deep well within me. I may never find that sense of family again, I may never be a part of a church family like that again, but that He alone is my source.
I have struggled in that for months now and when I spoke to my mentor about it she told me that God has already given me the resources to tap into that. This morning when my friend sent me that message it was if God was answering my question, "How do I get back to YOU"? This blog has always been that for me. God often make my fingers type things that I needed to hear, or has given me revelation in trying to coordinate my thoughts for an entry. So I am coming back to where God speaks the most clearly with me and that is right here.
It is my intention to continue my series on the effects of porn on families. It seems such a foreign topic to me now, one that used to occupy all of my thoughts, when deliverance comes it's as if I don't spend as much time fretting or concerning myself with it anymore. I know that there are others out there struggling and having been there I will do whatever I can to share my experience and the grace of God with those that haven't come through to this side yet.
For today, I just am thankful for a loving and merciful God that has allowed me to walk my own path. Who has taught me some very hard lessons that I now get to share with others around me. I have used many of these skills in the last few months in my interactions with others here in my new culture. My heart breaks for those that are battling a lot of different topics and it is my heart to minister to them, but I can't do that if I am not plugged in. So here I am this morning to plug back into my source, to acknowledge that I have walked away from my one true love as the top priority in my life.
Thank you for following my adventure.
Going back to the basics... Be Blessed then be a Blessing.
Love from Fort JenniLee to you wherever you are~~
Share
7.13.2010
New Series: Porn and the Effects it has on a Family Pt.1
Today, I want to talk about the spouses of porn addicts. This is something that I have been thinking about doing for a long time. I would love to live in a world that would call a spade a spade, I would love to hear the word porn and masturbation come from the pulpit in our local churches. I am adding my voice to the cause.
There is something about competing with other woman for the eyes of your husband. There is an unrestrained anger, there is a deep level of rejection & abandonment. There is a sense of knowing that you are sharing your marriage bed with a woman that you personally can't kill. If my husband was having an affair that I knew about, I would track down the woman and beat her into the ground. You can't do that with porn. There is such a feeling of helplessness.
I remember telling him that my self-esteem wasn't strong enough to deal with this. I couldn't deal with turning the computer on and wondering what I was going to see. What my kids were going to see. I was mad, I was hurt and I had no idea what to do about it.
The first thing I would tell someone, don't take it so personally. I believe that most women internalize this, they use it to define themselves. They become codependent in the fact that there must be something wrong with them if this is what their husband is choosing to do. This is a lie straight out of the pit of hell. I have heard it said that it isn't a wife issue it's a character issue. I don't know that I agree. I do agree that it's not the wife's issue because 99% of the time, his addiction started before he ever met his wife. I tend to believe that it's more of an issue with a race that is set up to fail from the beginning. More on that later.
The second thing I would tell a wife, is get counseling for yourself. Determine your codependency and get some very strong women around you that can talk about the hard issues that you are facing. Talk to your friends, talk to your mentor, talk to your counselor. Find people that will speak the truth of God into your life. This is not a battle that you can win on your own. This is a battle to the death and as women our best allies are our girlfriends. Find people that will stand with you and hold your arms us when you are tired. There is a snake in your bed, just anointing the bed isn't enough, you have to kill the snake and girlfriends bring coffee and muffins to keep you encouraged while you rage the battle.
The third thing, is talk don't nag. Berating anyone is never the way to get them to stop a behavior. Release yourself from being his conscience. Do not attempt to be his accountability partner. There is a part of you that wants to know every detail, but there are some details that you don't need to know. Encourage him to find someone that will hold him accountable. But everytime that accountabilty email comes into your account the pain will resurface even if there is nothing on it. You are going to have to work on forgiveness and seeing him again through God's eyes. That is a tough thing to do when you are hearing all of the gory details. Instead ask encouraging questions. How are you doing with this? What can I do to help you? He can not throw you a life preserver if he is drowning himself. Do not look to him to be able to help you through this or to make it okay with you. That's what God and girlfriends are for. You have the right to tell him your feelings, how it makes you feel to see this or to know this is going on.
The fourth thing, is cancel all of your Victoria Secret catalogs. There are things that we bring into our own homes that are stumbling blocks for our husbands. Catalogs are a huge part of that. I am not saying boycott VS, you can shop in the store, but don't bring things into the house that are obvious eye candy.
Be prepared to have him stumble, then be prepared to have him stumble again. I believe heart and soul that porn is an addiction. I believe that no matter how hard he fights, no matter how much I encourage, that he is still an addict. There are going to be hard days for him, there are going to be hard days for you. Feelings have a way of reemerging when we least expect it. You may have thought that you were walking in forgiveness only to be folding clothes and have the anger over take you again. His urges are the same way. It's a daily battle. I will go as far as to say one worth fighting.
There are a lot of great resources out there. A few that I have used and would encourage you to check out:
Safe Families -There is a ton of great information on the site for the spouse, web filters, ways to help you protect your children.
XXXChurch -Great blogs that share experience and advise. They also have an accountability software that I personally use on my own computers.
Co-Dependents Anonymous -Great site for finding a support group to work on your own self-esteem and learning to set healthy boundaries in your relationship. They also have a co-dependency quiz that you can take.
Be blessed than be a blessing. God thinks you are beautiful & love always wins.
Share
There is something about competing with other woman for the eyes of your husband. There is an unrestrained anger, there is a deep level of rejection & abandonment. There is a sense of knowing that you are sharing your marriage bed with a woman that you personally can't kill. If my husband was having an affair that I knew about, I would track down the woman and beat her into the ground. You can't do that with porn. There is such a feeling of helplessness.
I remember telling him that my self-esteem wasn't strong enough to deal with this. I couldn't deal with turning the computer on and wondering what I was going to see. What my kids were going to see. I was mad, I was hurt and I had no idea what to do about it.
The first thing I would tell someone, don't take it so personally. I believe that most women internalize this, they use it to define themselves. They become codependent in the fact that there must be something wrong with them if this is what their husband is choosing to do. This is a lie straight out of the pit of hell. I have heard it said that it isn't a wife issue it's a character issue. I don't know that I agree. I do agree that it's not the wife's issue because 99% of the time, his addiction started before he ever met his wife. I tend to believe that it's more of an issue with a race that is set up to fail from the beginning. More on that later.
The second thing I would tell a wife, is get counseling for yourself. Determine your codependency and get some very strong women around you that can talk about the hard issues that you are facing. Talk to your friends, talk to your mentor, talk to your counselor. Find people that will speak the truth of God into your life. This is not a battle that you can win on your own. This is a battle to the death and as women our best allies are our girlfriends. Find people that will stand with you and hold your arms us when you are tired. There is a snake in your bed, just anointing the bed isn't enough, you have to kill the snake and girlfriends bring coffee and muffins to keep you encouraged while you rage the battle.
The third thing, is talk don't nag. Berating anyone is never the way to get them to stop a behavior. Release yourself from being his conscience. Do not attempt to be his accountability partner. There is a part of you that wants to know every detail, but there are some details that you don't need to know. Encourage him to find someone that will hold him accountable. But everytime that accountabilty email comes into your account the pain will resurface even if there is nothing on it. You are going to have to work on forgiveness and seeing him again through God's eyes. That is a tough thing to do when you are hearing all of the gory details. Instead ask encouraging questions. How are you doing with this? What can I do to help you? He can not throw you a life preserver if he is drowning himself. Do not look to him to be able to help you through this or to make it okay with you. That's what God and girlfriends are for. You have the right to tell him your feelings, how it makes you feel to see this or to know this is going on.
The fourth thing, is cancel all of your Victoria Secret catalogs. There are things that we bring into our own homes that are stumbling blocks for our husbands. Catalogs are a huge part of that. I am not saying boycott VS, you can shop in the store, but don't bring things into the house that are obvious eye candy.
Be prepared to have him stumble, then be prepared to have him stumble again. I believe heart and soul that porn is an addiction. I believe that no matter how hard he fights, no matter how much I encourage, that he is still an addict. There are going to be hard days for him, there are going to be hard days for you. Feelings have a way of reemerging when we least expect it. You may have thought that you were walking in forgiveness only to be folding clothes and have the anger over take you again. His urges are the same way. It's a daily battle. I will go as far as to say one worth fighting.
There are a lot of great resources out there. A few that I have used and would encourage you to check out:
Safe Families -There is a ton of great information on the site for the spouse, web filters, ways to help you protect your children.
XXXChurch -Great blogs that share experience and advise. They also have an accountability software that I personally use on my own computers.
Co-Dependents Anonymous -Great site for finding a support group to work on your own self-esteem and learning to set healthy boundaries in your relationship. They also have a co-dependency quiz that you can take.
Be blessed than be a blessing. God thinks you are beautiful & love always wins.
Share
7.08.2010
Breaking the Silence...
I have been rather quiet and that really just comes from not having much to say. I believe in that Thumper theology, "if you can't say nuffin' nice don't say anyfing at all". I am still struggling to find my place but I have at least gotten off the couch and made some attempts to talk to people other than through my facebook page and yahoo messenger. Baby steps I know.
I have enjoyed the quiet and have taken the opportunity to work on my resume and to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what God has for us but at this point I know that I need to finish my education so I will be beginning to take classes this fall. Hard to believe but I am excited, almost. I think that getting out is my solution to a lot of things.
Life is good. It's simple. We are still overcoming a lot of our financial mess from our corporation and our NC life. That absorbs most of my thoughts and energy at this point.
We love Texas. Nothing compares to jumping on the bike and hitting the Farm to Market roads. I love shopping at the commissary and I even love just hanging out with the new people in our lives. It's definitely a new culture for me. We have been out of the active duty lifestyle for a long time. It's a challenge but one that we enjoy.
We are good, can't really complain about anything. I do need to start writing again. I am currently reading The Pilgrims Progress and I am finding it quite enjoyable. Just a slow paced life with a little Zumba mixed in. I often think of Paul being content both with and without. It is my hearts desire to be content either way.
Be blessed then be a blessing. Love ALWAYS wins.
Share
I have enjoyed the quiet and have taken the opportunity to work on my resume and to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what God has for us but at this point I know that I need to finish my education so I will be beginning to take classes this fall. Hard to believe but I am excited, almost. I think that getting out is my solution to a lot of things.
Life is good. It's simple. We are still overcoming a lot of our financial mess from our corporation and our NC life. That absorbs most of my thoughts and energy at this point.
We love Texas. Nothing compares to jumping on the bike and hitting the Farm to Market roads. I love shopping at the commissary and I even love just hanging out with the new people in our lives. It's definitely a new culture for me. We have been out of the active duty lifestyle for a long time. It's a challenge but one that we enjoy.
We are good, can't really complain about anything. I do need to start writing again. I am currently reading The Pilgrims Progress and I am finding it quite enjoyable. Just a slow paced life with a little Zumba mixed in. I often think of Paul being content both with and without. It is my hearts desire to be content either way.
Be blessed then be a blessing. Love ALWAYS wins.
Share
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