I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD. Ezekiel 16:9-14
One of the best days of my life since I moved here to North Carolina happened yesterday. We got a Starbucks!! Woot Woot! I can't even explain my joy! I can't contain myself with giddy to know that I can get a Venti Mocha without driving 45 minutes!!
Well the last couple of weekends my husband has been out of town, the Army and another Men's Encounter. Well yesterday morning we woke up to the sound of rain and he called his guys and told them he was going to call it a "wash" ....cracks me up. We still had to have my truck to the Dealer for a service appointment at 8 am so there was still no chance to go back to sleep. So we got up and got dressed, dropped my truck off and headed to guess where.....?? That's right Starbucks!!
Sitting there drinking my Venti White Mocha on a Monday morning at 7:45, God really opened my eyes to how spoiled I really am. My husband left me for a moment to go to the bathroom and as I sat there I watched the hustle and bustle of people working. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't "have" to have a job. God has blessed me to stay home and teach my children, not that I don't work, I do...I do the books for my husband and I always have a project...raising 3 kids is a full-time position. But God was just reminding me that he knows the desires of my heart in a very real, very practical way.
You see Sunday night I was being a spoiled brat. I didn't get something that I wanted and I was just bent sideways about it. Couldn't sleep - just mad...mad...mad. I came out to my kitchen and wrote letter to God about how I never get what I want. Reading through Psalms because David was the best whine writter in the Bible. Then I found this verse....
Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
~Psalm 143:7-8
I stopped writing the letter of demands and laid my desire, my hurt and my rebelliousness at the foot of the cross. I resubmitted that area of my life and I went on to bed. I choose to trust Him in that area...either I did or I didn't....and I chose to believe.
The Lord showed me his extravagant love for me Monday morning. He showed me through the love of my husband, He showed me through the gift of time. He showed me by the gift of just knowing my desires. God has never let me down. NEVER. He is always faithful in His goodness. Even when I don't see it. Even when I pitch my fits...even when I think I am all alone. He knows me and He sees me and He is quick...within moments...showing me His purpose and His provision.
So this morning, I remind all of my sisters of grace. Joy comes in the morning. He can pour out His extravagance in such simple ways that we look right past it. The ways that He has shown us His provision before may look different than they used to. However, that doesn't mean that they don't exsist. The Lord gave me a vision this weekend of He and I dancing. He was very clear in telling me to keep my eyes on His eyes...quit trying to watch my feet and allow Him to lead. I need to learn to let Him move my body in the most graceful dance. It's when I submit to that lead that I can flow in the way He has designed for me. It's when I do that, that others around me can see his strength. I want to see His purpose, I want to see the inner workings and He is just telling me to keep my eyes on His in the most intimate way...to allow Him love me, to submit to His lead...To feel His body next to mine, to feet His breath on my neck. The Lover of my Soul dances with me. It is my choice whether it is a dance of grace or whether I want to flounder in my own desires. Think Elaine on Seinfeld. I purpose to dance with my Father...even if I have to place my feet on His feet until I learn the steps.
Praise the LORD.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with tambourine and dancing,
praise him with the strings and flute,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD.
~Psalm 150
Lord, this morning you have brought such tender tears to my eyes, You continue to pour out your love for me. You never leave me and you never forsake me. EVER. Lord, you teach me in a very real way. You show me your love in such simple acts. Lord, continue to open my eyes to see them. Lord, allow me to show others your love. It is my hearts desire to share with others your love. Thank you for the opportunities that you have provided for me to do that. I love you Lord and I chose to put on my dancing shoes this morning. In Jesus name. Amen.
4.29.2008
4.25.2008
Yes Lord
Lord, even as we go forward from this place, even as we take this which you have given me, Lord I continue to have this be the song of my heart. Lord, I just declare these words over my family, over our mouths, our feet, our hands. Lord, thank you for saying that I am qualified. Thank you for searching among the land and seeing me and saying, "There she is". I am humbled by your love for me, your righteousness and your soverignty...I am but yet a wisp and yet you find me, and wrap me in your arms of love. I thank you for what you have done for me, I thank you for your sacrifice and how you have rebuilt our foundation. Lord, there is peace in my heart, there is joy in my heart and Lord, it is only because of you.
I love you, Father, Savior, Redeemer. In Jesus Name. Amen.
4.23.2008
Daughter of Grace
Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. Isaiah 61:7
As I have mentioned, God has really been working on my shame. I have begun to share with you the rooting that I had in that ugly place. The lies that I believed, the things I excluded myself from because I didn't deem myself worthy or righteous. As I have laid those things on the altar of my Father he is burned them and made beauty from the ashes.
I am beginning to see my double portion, I am beginning to see what God has laid before me almost like Dorothy on the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick road. What seemed like such a narrow passage was more brightly lit and easier to see when I took of my shades of shame, as I sat down the baggage that I lugged around full of the souvenirs of my hurts and my past. Oh how I have longed to sit down and look at myself as a beautiful Creation of the Creator of the Universe. Who left out no detail, he didn't forget to paint the sky for me at night, he didn't forget to have the crickets sing me to sleep in the summer, he didn't forget the stars to twinkle over my head like a tiara fit for a princess. The gifts are easier to acknowledge when I am not justifying why they are for everyone but myself. As I have removed my blessing filter, I have truly begun to see what God has worked for my good for the last 35 years for such a time as this.
That is the inheritance, that God went before me and paved the Yellow Brick road, His Ways, so that I could follow behind him and rejoice in the blessings that he earned for me. I didn't have to work for them and I surely could never earn them...no matter how much I tried. There is no lack of provision in his inheritance. I want for nothing, I am secure in Him, and my future is so bright, that I no longer need shades of rejection, abandonment and unworthiness to keep me set apart. His provision, His call, I can hear them beckon to me even as I sit here in awe of the grandeur of His love.
He knows the desires of my heart and now that the shame no longer lives there I can hear them. Prior to that my entitlements, my demands, my inability to accept blessings kept playing so loud that I thought I knew what my desires were, but I had kept them to a dull roar. They ached to be heard, but couldn't get my attention over the voices that played over and over in my head.
I remember when I first started my process of healing and after a ministry session, for the first time in my head there was silence. There was peace. I return to that place of glory at this point in my life. As I listen, the only voice I hear is that of my Father, calling out to me, come sweet love. The brat that has lived there for 35 years no longer calls out over his voice. The serpent has been killed and I praise God that I am still here...For so many years I couldn't differentiate between the serpent and myself...and for some time in there, there was no difference. All I knew was that the beast had to be killed, even if that meant killing myself in the process. I am free from those thoughts today. I now know that I don't have to die in order to have that quiet in my life. The tension is my shoulders has released for the first time in my life and despite the fact that my plate is full I am alright and my soul is at rest. I am safe in His arms of love and for tonight I will rest in this place.
Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever.
Amen.
As I have mentioned, God has really been working on my shame. I have begun to share with you the rooting that I had in that ugly place. The lies that I believed, the things I excluded myself from because I didn't deem myself worthy or righteous. As I have laid those things on the altar of my Father he is burned them and made beauty from the ashes.
I am beginning to see my double portion, I am beginning to see what God has laid before me almost like Dorothy on the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick road. What seemed like such a narrow passage was more brightly lit and easier to see when I took of my shades of shame, as I sat down the baggage that I lugged around full of the souvenirs of my hurts and my past. Oh how I have longed to sit down and look at myself as a beautiful Creation of the Creator of the Universe. Who left out no detail, he didn't forget to paint the sky for me at night, he didn't forget to have the crickets sing me to sleep in the summer, he didn't forget the stars to twinkle over my head like a tiara fit for a princess. The gifts are easier to acknowledge when I am not justifying why they are for everyone but myself. As I have removed my blessing filter, I have truly begun to see what God has worked for my good for the last 35 years for such a time as this.
That is the inheritance, that God went before me and paved the Yellow Brick road, His Ways, so that I could follow behind him and rejoice in the blessings that he earned for me. I didn't have to work for them and I surely could never earn them...no matter how much I tried. There is no lack of provision in his inheritance. I want for nothing, I am secure in Him, and my future is so bright, that I no longer need shades of rejection, abandonment and unworthiness to keep me set apart. His provision, His call, I can hear them beckon to me even as I sit here in awe of the grandeur of His love.
He knows the desires of my heart and now that the shame no longer lives there I can hear them. Prior to that my entitlements, my demands, my inability to accept blessings kept playing so loud that I thought I knew what my desires were, but I had kept them to a dull roar. They ached to be heard, but couldn't get my attention over the voices that played over and over in my head.
I remember when I first started my process of healing and after a ministry session, for the first time in my head there was silence. There was peace. I return to that place of glory at this point in my life. As I listen, the only voice I hear is that of my Father, calling out to me, come sweet love. The brat that has lived there for 35 years no longer calls out over his voice. The serpent has been killed and I praise God that I am still here...For so many years I couldn't differentiate between the serpent and myself...and for some time in there, there was no difference. All I knew was that the beast had to be killed, even if that meant killing myself in the process. I am free from those thoughts today. I now know that I don't have to die in order to have that quiet in my life. The tension is my shoulders has released for the first time in my life and despite the fact that my plate is full I am alright and my soul is at rest. I am safe in His arms of love and for tonight I will rest in this place.
Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever.
Amen.
4.21.2008
Truth and Grace
The urge to quit is the last obstacle between you and your dreams. -Richard DeVos
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." John 10:27-30
So much of my theology has changed this weekend. So much of what I have held to be true for so long just isn't true anymore. For years my husband has told me that I am the most easily offended person that he knows. I just started to accept that as a truth in my life. Well this weekend with some powerful teaching it was stated, "The reason you are so easily offended is because you have used people to define you for your whole life". Whoa, ok I can see that. I really can. That has been a part of what God has been working in my heart since the beginning of the year. I was aware that it was an issue but I didn't realize how much it really shaped me. I can not be controlled and manipulated by someone who doesn't have anything that I need. Okay, got that too. I can see that…when I started looking at it all together it went farther than that. As I was processing some of this there was more of the revelation added to it.
God has designed us to fulfill our destiny, and the one thing that has been consistent in my life for as long as I can remember is that I "offend" people. There are some that I don't have to say a word before they have decided that they don't like me. There are others that liked me until they realized that I had responsibility for them, there are others that like me as long as I am petting them. I have tried for so long to temper myself...to keep myself from offending others. Here is what I know. Jesus offended people. Everywhere he went he offended people. God has created me to be iron in some people's life. If you have a problem with that, take it up with my creator.
That doesn't mean that I am excluded from having grace and mercy for people, with people. Jesus loved even as he offended. Jesus loved even his betrayer enough to serve Him at the last Supper. Everything Jesus told them was out of love. Was out of a love so deep that He didn't want them to remain hurting, to remain suffering, to remain as they were when he found them.
Do you think the woman at the well wanted to hear that she was with a man that wasn't her husband. What if she had gotten offended and walked away instead of listening to his heart. What would her future have looked like? It would have changed the whole story. What if he had been too afraid to be honest...What if he were more concerned with being kind than being honest how would it have ended then?
As I love myself and accept this attribute that God has given me I will be able to love more those around me. Although in the last few weeks, God has poured such a love for his people into my heart. When a woman is really struggling, when she is really sharing, when she is really hurting, I can almost feel it within myself. On the other hand, God has given me the ability to see when it is pride or martyr motivated. I find grace and mercy in those areas not for the events but for the woman that feels like that is all she has to offer. As Jesus did with the woman whose offering offended others. God knew her heart, he could feel her love, even as the event would be ridiculed for being extravagant...how much more extravagant is God's love for us? Through her shame she worshiped him the best she knew how. She offered the best that she had...he knew what she was doing. It was the others around her that wanted to judge her...maybe out of their unwillingness to make such an offering.
There are some that can live in a no wake zone. For some it's okay, that's where they are comfortable, but that's not how God wired me and when I am less that what he has called me to be to keep other's from getting ruffled than I am denying what he has done for me. I become impotent for my calling, for my anointing. I am not here to please people. They don't have what I need, they aren't my source. As I draw nearer to God and listen to his voice he tells me...
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of th ethe world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: No servant is greater than his master. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also." John 15:18-20
There are going to be people that don’t like me. There are going to be people that get offended by what I say. There are going to be some that walk away, that at one time were able to be close that as time goes one will no longer be able to. I am responsible to the field that God has given me and I MUST live out my calling. I MUST say what he puts in my mouth to speak. I MUST be obedient to the voice of my shepherd.
Father, I repent for not walking in what you have given me. Lord, I know that you have told me that as I share my testimony that the words will carry your anointing. Father, I pray that my heart would be aligned to yours. I pray that the love for your people will continue to be my motivator and that Lord even as I say your words that you would put love in my arms for their comfort. Lord, allow the fullness of what you have created in me not be hindered by my worst enemy...myself. Even as I struggle, even as I chase after you Lord. Even as I continue to be changed, I will never reach a place where I feel changed enough to be qualified, you are the qualifier and the caller and this morning I hear your voice calling me out of the shadows. Father the joy is coming as you teach me to be what you have designed me to be. As I let go of what I have been ... to become what you have for me, it’s a beautiful creation that I am able to see. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." John 10:27-30
So much of my theology has changed this weekend. So much of what I have held to be true for so long just isn't true anymore. For years my husband has told me that I am the most easily offended person that he knows. I just started to accept that as a truth in my life. Well this weekend with some powerful teaching it was stated, "The reason you are so easily offended is because you have used people to define you for your whole life". Whoa, ok I can see that. I really can. That has been a part of what God has been working in my heart since the beginning of the year. I was aware that it was an issue but I didn't realize how much it really shaped me. I can not be controlled and manipulated by someone who doesn't have anything that I need. Okay, got that too. I can see that…when I started looking at it all together it went farther than that. As I was processing some of this there was more of the revelation added to it.
God has designed us to fulfill our destiny, and the one thing that has been consistent in my life for as long as I can remember is that I "offend" people. There are some that I don't have to say a word before they have decided that they don't like me. There are others that liked me until they realized that I had responsibility for them, there are others that like me as long as I am petting them. I have tried for so long to temper myself...to keep myself from offending others. Here is what I know. Jesus offended people. Everywhere he went he offended people. God has created me to be iron in some people's life. If you have a problem with that, take it up with my creator.
That doesn't mean that I am excluded from having grace and mercy for people, with people. Jesus loved even as he offended. Jesus loved even his betrayer enough to serve Him at the last Supper. Everything Jesus told them was out of love. Was out of a love so deep that He didn't want them to remain hurting, to remain suffering, to remain as they were when he found them.
Do you think the woman at the well wanted to hear that she was with a man that wasn't her husband. What if she had gotten offended and walked away instead of listening to his heart. What would her future have looked like? It would have changed the whole story. What if he had been too afraid to be honest...What if he were more concerned with being kind than being honest how would it have ended then?
As I love myself and accept this attribute that God has given me I will be able to love more those around me. Although in the last few weeks, God has poured such a love for his people into my heart. When a woman is really struggling, when she is really sharing, when she is really hurting, I can almost feel it within myself. On the other hand, God has given me the ability to see when it is pride or martyr motivated. I find grace and mercy in those areas not for the events but for the woman that feels like that is all she has to offer. As Jesus did with the woman whose offering offended others. God knew her heart, he could feel her love, even as the event would be ridiculed for being extravagant...how much more extravagant is God's love for us? Through her shame she worshiped him the best she knew how. She offered the best that she had...he knew what she was doing. It was the others around her that wanted to judge her...maybe out of their unwillingness to make such an offering.
There are some that can live in a no wake zone. For some it's okay, that's where they are comfortable, but that's not how God wired me and when I am less that what he has called me to be to keep other's from getting ruffled than I am denying what he has done for me. I become impotent for my calling, for my anointing. I am not here to please people. They don't have what I need, they aren't my source. As I draw nearer to God and listen to his voice he tells me...
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of th ethe world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: No servant is greater than his master. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also." John 15:18-20
There are going to be people that don’t like me. There are going to be people that get offended by what I say. There are going to be some that walk away, that at one time were able to be close that as time goes one will no longer be able to. I am responsible to the field that God has given me and I MUST live out my calling. I MUST say what he puts in my mouth to speak. I MUST be obedient to the voice of my shepherd.
Father, I repent for not walking in what you have given me. Lord, I know that you have told me that as I share my testimony that the words will carry your anointing. Father, I pray that my heart would be aligned to yours. I pray that the love for your people will continue to be my motivator and that Lord even as I say your words that you would put love in my arms for their comfort. Lord, allow the fullness of what you have created in me not be hindered by my worst enemy...myself. Even as I struggle, even as I chase after you Lord. Even as I continue to be changed, I will never reach a place where I feel changed enough to be qualified, you are the qualifier and the caller and this morning I hear your voice calling me out of the shadows. Father the joy is coming as you teach me to be what you have designed me to be. As I let go of what I have been ... to become what you have for me, it’s a beautiful creation that I am able to see. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
4.18.2008
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