Castles, moats and dragons...

Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self sufficient to fell the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us. – Abraham Lincoln

I am thinking that Honest Abe was onto something.  

Jesus looked at him and said, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." - Luke 18:24-25

I have been reading up on strongholds...just some light reading as usual *LOL*.  Some people are perfectly content to stay planted...it's just not me I find healing and Jesus absolutely intreging. Anyway, stronghold are beliefs that are so well protected that they can't be penetrated. The are fortresses with moats, and dragons, and high towers.  We take it upon ourselves to control the situation so that others won't know what our true beliefs are.   We control God right out of the picture.

We establish ourselves as our own best guardians and protectors and leave little if any space for God in our hearts or in our plans.  That's why the rich young ruler didn't need God, he was self-sufficient - he had all that he needed to create safety around him.  It is in our comfort, in our contentment with ourselves that we don't need God.  When we walk in blessing after blessing, we begin to take Him for granted and we begin to think that somehow we have brought this success upon ourselves.  What pride we have.  We boast of our "stuff".  It's just stuff, they are making more stuff everyday.  What makes your "stuff" any better than anyone elses stuff and why do we use it to categorize ourselves.  The stuff havers and the none stuff havers.  What a bunch of bunk.

I woke up this morning and God spoke to my heart saying, "You take yourself with you everywhere you go."  Well that's a pretty brilliant point there God.  Thanks for that revelation.  He goes on...  it doesn't matter where you go, it doesn't matter who your friends are, where you do or don't go to church... you are still with you.  There are no "do overs"... there are new areas to occupy in healing but you can't toss all of this out.  I began to understand.  The thoughts I have about myself go with me everywhere.  The strongholds I have built, my defense mechanisms... until healed will go with me everywhere I go.

I have experienced a lot of healing, I have begun to understand God's redeeming love... but there are parts of me that God is just now beginning to touch.  He knows that if he touched them all at once I would blow up... it isn't His heart to kill me... my flesh, yes.... but he wants me to be free from the strongholds because not only do they keep out potential pains... get this.... they keep Him out.  When we let down our defenses... when we realize we are so tense from trying to hold it all together... when we are so afraid of being hurt... we hold on so tight.  

We do everything that we can to ease the pain... we crutch on everything from sex to withdrawl.  We get so afraid of pain that we don't leave our homes... we don't interact... we facebook instead of having lunch.  We seek to control our surroundings to keep the pain at bay.  We Scarlett O'Hara... I won't think about that today...  All He wants to do is to come in and ease our hearts.  To create a new stronghold in which the thoughts we have of ourself can't penetrate our understanding of His love of us.  It's in the demolition and remodel that we really get to see how many thoughts we have, how many places that even we ourselves haven't opened the doors on.  

But I am always up for a project, an adventure.  I don't know what tomorrow looks like.  I don't need any answers... I just need the Jewish Carpenter to help me with a remodel of my castle.  I cry out in pain as he removes blocks and moves them around... I scream in agony as he demolishes walls that I have so carefully erected.  He is tearing me down to the foundation... and jack hammering the parts that are unstable... I submit.  I surrender.  When it gets to painful I cry out and He is quick to come to my side and apply the salve of His love...

What a wonderful maker.  Thank you Lord.

Keep on swimming...

Sometimes, just sometimes it's hard to keep your head above the water.

I have been reading Scarlett the sequel to Gone with the Wind that isn't really a sequel because Margaret Mitchell didn't write it, none the less, I adore Scarlet and sometimes when the boat capsizes you just have to keep swimming.  No matter how cold the water or how desperately that you want to just sleep.

I can say that in the last six months my whole life has been turned upside down.  Not by an any one act but by a series of things.  Either way, my boat has capsized and I have been treading water waiting for the Coasties to arrive.  Just when I think I am ready to start swimming, another storm comes and treading is all that I can do.  What I have to keep reminding myself is to not give up.  God reminded me this week through a friend of Psalm 73.

Truly God is good to Israel,
to those whose hearts are pure.
But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.
For I envied the proud
when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness.
They seem to live such painless lives;
their bodies are so healthy and strong.
They don’t have troubles like other people;
they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.
They wear pride like a jeweled necklace
and clothe themselves with cruelty.

These fat cats have everything
their hearts could ever wish for!
They scoff and speak only evil;
in their pride they seek to crush others.
They boast against the very heavens,
and their words strut throughout the earth.
And so the people are dismayed and confused,
drinking in all their words.
“What does God know?” they ask.
“Does the Most High even know what’s happening?”
Look at these wicked people—
enjoying a life of ease while their riches multiply.
Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
I get nothing but trouble all day long;
every morning brings me pain.

If I had really spoken this way to others,
I would have been a traitor to your people.
So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper.
But what a difficult task it is!
Then I went into your sanctuary, O God,
and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked.
Truly, you put them on a slippery path
and send them sliding over the cliff to destruction.
In an instant they are destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors.
When you arise, O Lord,
you will laugh at their silly ideas
as a person laughs at dreams in the morning.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant—
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.

Those who desert him will perish,
for you destroy those who abandon you.
But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,
and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

The thing is I didn't even realize it.  The thing about people in third world countries is that they don't know that they are in a third world country.  Their Momma did it that way, they don't know any different.  Tradition continues.  It's not until prosperous people come that the realize that they lack anything.  Could we all have more...absolutely but at what cost?

I chose Christ, even when my flesh takes over and I lose it in a moment, afterwards I still long for Christ.  I repent, ask forgiveness, give forgiveness and then ask for His healing.  There are so many times that I have belittled myself for my actions and God has said honey, I take you just as you are because you chose me.  Much like David.  David made mistakes, but he always sought God.

At this time in our country, I watch the bailouts, the stimulus deals... and I am reminded of this chapter.  There is such greed in America.  We are never satisfied.  We always want bigger badder faster... It's Tim the Toolman Coveting.  We judge ourselves by what others have, or don't have, or crutch on and very often don't open our hearts to the examination of God the Father.  

Are there times I want to give up... to give in and let the ease of the wickedness take over?  To just be like everyone else?  Absofreakinlutely.  However, "others may - you cannot".  I don't seem to get very far into wickedness until my heart cried out for Jesus... "This flesh is killing me please come save me!" I know we all want to "be done".  I am ready to move on to the next phase of my life and get on with it.  Jesus is in control, really He is.  I can't force it... I can't envy others, what I can do is be flexible and allow God to change my mind and my will.  Moment by moment.

Thank you Lord! 

Let me explain the shoe thing...

When I was in the seventh grade at Landon Jr High my parents had just recently divorced and there wasn't a lot of money to be had.  I was totally excited the day my mother took me to Kinney shoe store and bought me shoes. A pair of white sandles... the ones that you wrapped around your ankles and tied.  I thought they were cool - I thought that they made me cool.

I was in my advanced English class last class of the day.  We had to write a paper to describe someone in our class.  It was an exercise in adjectives and details.  Leanne Zebriski's first line of her paper that she read aloud went something like this, "She wears the same pair of shoes to school everyday."...  

That is the moment I go back to everytime someone mentions that I have an abundance of shoes.  

I can go back farther and remember quitting dance classes at the ripe age of 5 because I had bigger feet than everyone.  They had a box of tap shoes that you hunted through to find a pair that would fit you before class.  The instructors did it to save costs for the parents.  I hated it.  Told my mother I hated dance and I never went back.  As much as I wanted to dance it was all wasted on a dance shoes.

Shoes are a thing for me.  I like them, but I hate to wear them.  I guess that's the Florida girl in me.  If I find a comfortable pair, I will buy a multitude of them in different colors.  Right now my favorites are still Crocs and my newest love are my new Keen boots.  I hate tennis shoes and wish that Nike or one of those types could make an attractive tennis shoe.  I have a very large foot for a women and wear a women's 10 in most shoes but 11's in Nikes... probably why the disdain towards tennis shoes.  I love flip floes... always have always will.  I prefer Tevas for comfort but usually buy 4-5 pairs of Old Navy cheapies to wear around the house.

I used to be a barefoot girl until we got Valentine Grace, her and her sister broke me of walking through my house barefoot when they were puppies.  Now I always have something on my feet.  

The other thing that I used to be a stickler about... pedicures.  You can ask my friends and they will tell you all about it.  We all have a thing... feet just happen to be mine.  

Isaiah 52:7 How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"

Ok, I went in...

I attempted to conquer.. but it was more of a stab.  Maybe a poke.  But there is nothing super about it.

Today I have spent the day in Julia's room.  I know, right?  I have been putting it off for months.  But today I entered and walked out without yelling... to carry out a few bags of things that she didn't need.  I filled a contractor bag full of trash, and a lawn & leaf bag full of clothes.  It's the whole point of I asked Julia to clean out from under her bed and left her on her own.  It took her 25 minutes.  I told her don't sort it or anything but get it out on the floor so that we can go through it.  I know that my parents and probably my cousin Heather can remember when I used to have a room like that.  Well, my dresser still looks like that... but my parents warned Ande.  

We are in pre-move clean.  We know we are going we just don't know where and when.  It's just time.  Time to get out of the poverty mindset that we have to hoard everything or we have nothing.  I don't know how we are going to do it, it's a huge adjustment but it's something that really needs to happen.  We have been hauling around a ton of stuff for years.  I am ready to cut the ties.  Really.  

I have a thing for shoes.  People know that about me.  I can remember the exact moment that I decided that I was going to buy shoes every chance I got.  But that's a post in and of itself.  However, now I am deciding to just take the things that I love.  I want to live a simple life and not have to spend a ton of time cleaning (like I usually do... HAHA), I don't want to spend a bunch of time having to make arrangements for my stuff.  Do we really need to get a storage unit or do we just need to donate it.  I don't want to have to spend time organizing it...or maintaining it.  

So I keep saying that we are only going to keep the things that we love.  I have so many do-dads and "keepsakes", more than one person will ever need in a life time.  Some of them I love, some of them others loved enough to give me.  I have to establish some boundaries.  We have books, and I don't mean a few... between us we have hundreds.  I love books... but do I love every book specifically?  Am I ever going to reference it again?  You get the idea.

So today was the beginning.  The hoarders are going to squeal like pigs... but I am determined.  

Luke 12:15 Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

So we are learning and I am teaching my children this lesson.  If we don't need it or love it, it's outta here.  So I will continue in Julia's room until it is dwindled to something that she can maintain without my intervention.  So instead of giving things to my kids I want to give them ] the ability to say "no".  Not only to drugs but the other things that will inhibit their growth.  It is ridiculous the amount of stuff we have.  I look forward to breathing... and teaching them how to inhale fully without the weight of the stuff we have.

All of it... or ALL of it?

Boy it's been an exciting few days.  I have gotten my sister married off.  Now some of you will say now JL, you don't have a sister.  But I would say to you that yes indeed I do. I have a lifelong friend... she knows my past and my present and can help me remember where I have come from.  She has given me more grace than anyone but Jesus.  I love her, but she isn't my sister.  I have friends that I love, adore, we have common interests and I love any amount of time that I get to spend with them.  But this girl, who weaseled her way into my heart... God said, "You have been whining about wanting a sister for 34 years... here she is".  

Getting her to this point has been excrutiating.  For her, him and well a plethora of others over the last year... my has it only been a year?  However, these last few weeks have been the most painful.  Throwing showers, having to go to places and see faces that I want to just forget.  Having to be a sister and walk through my own pain for her joy... has been well, let's just say it ain't been no walk in the park.  However, sisters do what sisters do and I wouldn't have traded any of this for anything.  Really I wouldn't.  That smile is worth it... 

The Lord and I have been talking over the last few months about events coming up and whether or not I am to participate.  Like the wedding, the shower, there are things that are coming up that I have had to decide what I am going to do.  Whether I am going to lay myself out there or am I going to whole up and protect myself.  I told everyone that today was the day that I would make my final decision.  That today, God would let me know what I am supposed to do.  Being at the wedding... seeing the faces - there was no pain.  Just joy, and family.  Real family, not the kind you are obligated to, or have nothing in common with, but God family of like minds and a an overwhelming powerful love for Jesus the Christ.  

So, I get through the wedding and I am at the gym walking the inside track like I do most nights from 8:15-8:45, listening to my worship music, just walking.  This has become a powerful time in my life.  With no distractions, submitting my flesh to cardio and fat burning... God talks to me and I worship.  So as I am walking... I am listening to Jeremy Camp - Take My Life. God says... you told me I could take your life.  Are you done hiding?  Or are you going to step up and be the woman that I have created you to be?  Well I guess that is my answer isn't it?  He is telling me that in the last year He has changed me.  Has it really only been a year since this really started?  Wow, Lord you are amazing.  I am humbled that you would even consider me worthy to be called your friend, much less to be used by you.

My spiritual mother always says we can go to battle because we know the healer.  So if I get hurt I can run to Him, he has loved me through much worse and lately His word for me has been perserverance.  Through perserverance the snail reached the ark.  And I will reach my ability to enjoy the journey of His will for me.  Because everyday is His will.  I can do nothing without Him.  His will is not a destination, it is everyday.  My everyday sacrifice of myself, my preferences.  Some may, others may not.  I am one that may not.

He has asked me to be naked and vulnerable and to swiim in my own bowl... to be ye seperate.  Is it going to hurt?  Probably like hell, and I going to do it anyway?  Absolutely.  I have no choice but to submit to His love.