Yeah... that's it!

I love this book by Lisa Bevere. It has changed my heart, my perspective on purity, before & during marriage.  It has spoken to the young girl in me who made wrong choices for all of the right reasons.  She takes my past, my present and my future, my sexuality as a tarnished young woman and creates in me the desire to be wholy and pure as a wife... and to teach this great lessons to my children.  One of my greatest desires is that my children would remain pure until marriage so that they are able to give themselves entirely with no holes to their spouse.  What an awesome accomplishment and one that I wish I had been able to give and receive.  

There is a quote in the book that smacked me upside the head last night and I feel compelled to share.  "I got tired of being a warrior or a challenge, and longed instead, to be adored."  YES! YES! YES!  I don't want to fight for my place, or have to compete for it, I want to be adored and enough just as I am.  That one sentence took how I have been feeling and put it into words, words that I could say... you know, yes that is what I want.  "...it left me empty and hungry for someone who would truly love and protect me."  Ok, so what I have been experiencing isn't new, I am not the only one.  Lisa Bevere, I love you for writing this book and speaking to my heart in a way that can let me dance when all I have wanted to do is hide and cry in shame.  

God is so in this area of my life and my marriage right now.  He is cleaning house not only for me but for my husband and my kids.  I refuse to let the beast of pornography impact my children, I will kill that demon in this house.  It will no be used to define intimacy and it will not breed self-satisfaction. My husband and I have been married for going on 15 years, and we are successful in 90% of our marriage.  We are best friends, we are awesome parents together... but because neither of us honored "purity" we have brought so much trash to our marriage bed and we have had to dig through and sort what is Godly and what isn't.  I regret every act that I have done to tarnish what should be the most glorious place on earth for us.  We are having to learn how to be holy and righteous in that place.  God is cleaning the sheets, he is pulling out old hurts and walls that have been built to keep us from true intimacy.  It is a beautiful thing.

We have decided that we are going to kill this.  One way or another.  For us, for our kids... for their spouses and for our grandchildren.  Not saying that their live will be without struggle but we are taking responsibility for this area of our lives, for the past sins of our fathers, and we are saying this far and no farther. Does it mean we are going to be perfect, no... what it means is that we are commited to walking side by side through this battle for our family.  However, we all know that you usually have to hit rock bottom before you will institute change.  Well, we have been there and done that... and now we are ready to walk away from the wreckage, holding hands - loving each other with parts of ourselves that we have held back in fear.  Loving with an ability to trust that although the hike may be hard, there may be scars that we are doing it together.  Some won't understand, but others will look at us and know that it is only God's grace because we don't deserve the mercy and the grace He has poured out on the wounds that we have created and carried.

Lord, I thank you for allowing me to find the man you had for me.  Even Lord, when it's hard.  Lord, I thank you for loving me enough to give me such a wonderful husband and thank you Lord for opening our eyes to what you are trying to teach us.  Lord, I thank you for my boys and for their hearts for you.  I thank you for the opportunity to share the truth with them and with Julia.  Father, I prayer even now for the purity of the spouse that you have set aside for them.  Father, allow them also to enter their marriage pure and with a heart that is prepared to adore.  Lord, thank you for the Song of Solomon and for the beauty that it portrays.  Father, I love that you love us... I love that you have given us this wonderful gift of intimacy.  Father, allow me to continue to learn so that we can lay aside our shame and help deliver this to others.  I give it all to you and ask for your hand upon it... today and always.

A Desperate Cry for Jesus...

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

It's 2 am and I can't sleep.  My flesh longs to be comforted.  I long for the arms of my husband but he sleeps peacefully and I know that is not what God has for me this evening.  I slept well last night after a beer and the thought crosses my mind that I should try that again, except in my heart I know that isn't what I need at all and if I succumb to the desire tonight that tomorrow night it will come again.  So instead I read Bible Gateway and I search for my heart to sing when I read something.

I long for peace.  I long for comfort... I long for God and despite I know His hand, I know He is up to something, He is working in my heart- the comfort that I seek I can not find.  My emotions get the best of me and crying would feel really good except that the tears won't come and all I am left with is tension and sore muscles.  My world fell apart six months ago today and tonight, well tonight I long for my old life, my old friends, my old comforts and God continues with the "new well" routine and I just am so tired of drilling in this rock and I wonder when the water will be released and when the pressure and the noise will subside.  

Yesterday, Father God took me back to one of defining moments in my life.  He took me back to the place that I denounced Him 10 years ago.  He took me back to the scene of a horrible accident that changed me and my beliefs.  It's almost as if these last 10 years he has been trying to show me what life would be like without Him.  

We had just finised praying over our Jed Clampett like caravan.  We drove through downtown Atlanta as the trailer came unhooked from the back of the Penske truck crossed 3 lanes of traffic and carrened into a concrete barrier.  In the 30 seconds that it took, my entire life passed in front of my eyes.  For the first time in my life I was scared to my core.  As unrealistic as it seems, I thought that my entire family was going to die and I was going to be left to watch.  

That moment has defined me for the last 1o years.  I remember that Christmas following the accident my Father in law asked me about my relationship with God and I told him that there was no God.  I completely lost my faith in God and all that I knew about Him.  I lost myself in the years that followed and allowed myself the will to do anything and everything that I could find to do to fill that void in my life.  I lost my conscious.  I ran head first into disaster and found it.  Numerous places.  It took me 4 years from that moment, to get my feet back under me.  The next 5 years, I was working on my relationship with Christ.  

In November 2007, I went to a Women of Faith conference in Charlotte and on the way home we saw a trailer fish tail in front of us.  In my mind my only option was to crawl out the window of the church bus.  Ok, realistically the windows are 6"x8" and there is no way I could have made it out the window.  But the instinct was very real.  It was my first thought... crawl out of the window and get off the bus.  Forward from there 4-5 months and after an awesome Encounter with God I was able to drive behind a trailer.  Then over the course of the last year I have had times I have had to drive with a trailer attached to my own vehicle.  Small steps but I either didn't realize the magnitude or somehow I thought I could just push it out of my mind.  

Yesterday morning I was already driving before it hit me that I was going to drive IN Atlanta and not just TO Atlanta.  I haven't experienced panic like that in years.  Everyone kind of blew me off as I was beginning to panic.  I called Ande, he was a voice of reason and encouragement and I was able to keep going.  By the time I finally parked at the Civic Center all I wanted to do was vomit.  My flesh was screaming to be comforted, to do something.  My spirit however was at rest.  I knew that the Holy Spirit had been with me in only the way that the Holy Spirit could.  I had a car full of middle school boys, and my son would have been mortified had I allowed my panic to show.  Oh, he would have done everything that he could have to comfort me... but I didn't want him to have the crazy mom.  

As we are walking through the exhibit at the muesuem I realize that I have broken out in hives.  Not typical for me.  Don't know that I have ever had hives before.  My first thought was that it was the soap in the bathroom.  I really didn't think too much about it.  Then it came time to get back into my truck and to head out of town.  I literally was getting hives on my hives.  My flesh was going to freak out, no matter how it did it.  By the time we stopped for ice cream I was a wreck but I didn't say anything, like I said, my flesh is trying to control and my Spirit knows.. and is at peace.  

So we get home and by the time we arrived, the hives were gone.  I knew that I had just shown more courage than I ever had.  I tell my kids all the time that courage is doing it scared.  I did it scared and I survived.  God had taken me to Atlanta to show me that I wasn't the same woman I was then.  He assured me that I was going to be okay and that He was taking away something that didn't belong to me at all.  This fear had been crippling me for 10 years.  I know in my heart right now that if I had to drive to Atlanta tomorrow I could do it, without fear because in Christ I am more than a conquerer and God loves me enough to set me up for success.

Even experiencing that yesterday isn't providing comfort to my weary soul.  My muscles scream tonight from the tension of yesterday.  I have been to battle this evening.  I am broken, I am weary and I just long for answers.  I long to know what my tomorrow looks like.  We have been in limbo - literally for 10 weeks.  Knowing that we are leaving yet not knowing when or where.  I have continued to lay my head on the pillow and cry out for relief.  It usually goes a little like this, "Lord, thank you for allowing me to survive one more day."  Because I feel like that is all I have been doing for the past few months.  Surviving. Crisis mode.  I look back and see how far I have come.  I feel like I climbed to the summit of Mt. Everest, but the trip isn't over.  

Lord, I have laid in the bed and sought your thoughts.  Lord, I see your hand, I see it on the trip yesterday.  I see what you are trying to do.  Lord, I beg for your mercy.  I beg for release.  Father, I beg for this season to come to an end.  Father, I implore you as your favorite daughter to release me from this place.  Lord, only deliverance will suffice.  I can't fight any longer.  I can't hold it together any longer.  Only you can carry me through this valley of the shadow of death.  Lord, I cry out for you... I cry out for you Father God.  My hope is in you... I will do what you desire of me Father.  I will hold fast to your love and your promises.  Lord, I want to be willing, let me will be willing.  To love, to trust.  To understand and to walk through these dark places knowing that you are guiding our steps.  The only comfort I find is in the tapping of these keys... hear my heart Father.  Even if my flesh doesn't always line up... hear my heart.  I love you... I need you... only you satisfy.

Jesus loves me this I know... for my broken heart tells me so.

I am just feeling a little isolated this morning.  It's still odd to wake up on a Sunday morning without a purpose.  We have visited, we have tried and I am just still not willing to make an investment any where.  Just where I am... the pain is still deep and I am just not ready to take on another congregation that wants to be my family.  Say what you will, but families hurt you more than anyone else and I am just not willing to lay myself out there for any more pain right now.

Momma Jan always says that we can be hurt in healing because we know the Healer, and yes, I know Him and I love Him, with all my heart.  I know that He is wants me invested into the Body of Christ, but I am just kicking and stomping my feet.  I know it, He knows it... I have had to break agreement with many a judgement, and I have forgiven...and forgiven... and forgiven... daily, minute by minute at times.  The issue isn't the past it's the present.  Right now, in all reality... my perspective stinks.  

We know we are leaving so I don't want to "invest".  I don't want anyone to "invest" in me.  I don't want to risk the rejection, I don't want to say the goodbyes and I just want to slip out of town (on most days).  Six months ago my phone rang off the hook... the last 6 days, it's hasn't rung once.  When all is said and done, the laundry on the line... I will take a very small hand full of friends with me.  

I know that God has reknit my family.  I know that He is continuing to work in my heart with a newness and a freshness and freedom in areas that all I have ever known is rejection.  I know that.  I know that He has answered thousands of prayers and has heard millions of tears and has given me the deepest desires of my heart when it comes to my husband and my children.  I am thankful.  From the depths of my heart I am thankful.  I will still stand before His throne and thank Him and worship Him because He knows my needs and my desires more than I do.  

I have chosen, albeit sometimes not always willingly, to make Him the cake in my life.  Sweet and filling, he leaves only room for decoration and icing that comes from the rest of my life, my family, my activities.  I know that when I take my eyes off of Him and allow them to look anywhere else that I often find myself in the ditch with no way out but to cry out for Him again.  So many times He has found me in an Ezekiel 16 moment.  Whether self induced, or by others, situations, etc.  But He has never left me uncovered, He has never left me dirty, He has always wrapped me up and pulled me closer to Himself.  Even when I didn't want Him, He wanted me.  When no one else wanted me or had time for me... He always does.

Lord, I know that I am hosting a pity party today, but I am thankful that you always remember me.  Lord, you know where to find me even if I don't get up and seek to find you in a church on Sunday morning.  I am thankful for your time and your investment in me, and I am thankful to have to the time to invest in you without distractions.  Lord, I lay my heart on your throne, and pray Lord that you will have your way with it.  That Father, no one knows the hurts but you and only you can heal them.  Teach me to accept love again, allow me to be vulnerable in friendship again, in love again.  Lord, teach me to love you without distraction and with disregard to others opinions.  It's you Lord, just You that I desire.  I know that this is but a season, and even as the trees are budding, there is a new season on the horizon.  

Where the men are men and the steers know it...

I have thought a lot about this these last few days.  Here is where I am today.  Because we all know that I am always open to revelation...

I do believe that by not being honest that we don't let men bear the full weight of fatherhood.  I have several friends that never told thier father of abuse and never gave him the opportunity to be thier protector.  "Don't tell Daddy". I think as women we are more interested in keeping peace, and we will control and manipulate our enviroments until it appears that we have peace.  We so fear rejection and abandonment.. we operate solely from a place of fear but we turn it to say that we are protecting someone else.

I tell my children when they are dishonest with my they tie my hands at being able to protect them and come to their defense.  When it comes to my children I always want the truth.  I  think of Jack Nicholson "You can't handle the truth" every time someone is trying to protect me by only giving me half truths.  John 8:32 tells us that the truth will set us free.  Free from responsibilites that we weren't supposed to have in the first place.  Lies take work, even if it isn't a lie, even if it is just hiding of the truth I believe that it makes a big difference.

Let me give you an example, my daughter at 9 has a crush on a little boy.  She pours her heart to me and says but don't tell Daddy.  What if I don't tell my husband, her father?  Some would say I would break her confidence and she wouldn't trust me again and I would agree.  What if when she said that I replied, Honey, we don't keep secrets from Daddy, we want him to know what is going on in your heart so that he can pray accordingly, and he can keep his eye on the situation.  Then I have helped build her confidence in her father.  I have made him approachable.  I have set them both up for success.  There is no manipulation, no stories to keep straight and he gets to build a relationship with his daughter.

It also opens his eyes to her world.  He is able to take that time to talk to her about his heart for her, what he thinks of her and to fill her with his own words.  Julia and I talk a lot about purity, sex and all things female.  That is my job as her mother to have an ongoing conversation so that she has enough of my words in her head and heart that if she ever finds herself in a compromising position she has already decided what her answer is.  We practice saying no.  My words of teaching are important to her, but just as important is Daddy telling her his own words his feelings and the boundaries he has laid for her as her father.  He is able to articulate to her that he would stop at nothing to defend her, to love her and to help her run a clean race to God. 

When we hide things from our kids, we miss on the life lessons that we could and should be teaching them.  Our family hit crisis a few months ago.  We have been able at this point to talk to all of our children about it on their own levels.  As they grow they will have more questions and we will be able to expand our answers, but what if we just put on a face and pretend that nothing is wrong?  I am not saying defile your children with details, and I am not saying put a spirit of fear on them but I am saying, teach them as you are being taught.  Teach them that Daddys and Mommys make mistakes and don't live on a pedestal.  It's a lesson in authority that they are going to have to learn sometime in life.  

I am going to tie this ramble up by saying, if you want him to be a father, you have to treat him like one.  If you want him to be a man, you have to treat him like one.  If you want him to be a hero, a knight on a white horse, then you need to treat him like one.

Question for you....

I have been doing some thinking and before I reveal what my thoughts are... I was just wanting you to ponder something.  We talk about how men aren't men, father's aren't fathers... what if any role do we as women play in that?  Believe me I am not seeking to lay blame or shame... never my intention... but do we as women keep them from being what God has designed them to be?

The second part of that question... and while you are already pondering such deep things on a rainy Saturday afternoon... what role if any do men play in keeping women from being women and mother's being mother's?

I am going to throw this on Facebook as well.  I am geniuinely curious.