I have been juggling so much lately. No always so successfully. I took 15 credit hours of classes this semester and ended up with 12 credits. My anxiety seems to sit comfortably at an 8. I still feel disconnected. I still long for the things I once knew, I feel like I have moved out on my own for the first time without Mom & Dad being there to direct my every move. I was so ingrained in the church lifestyle and culture to come out of it for so long, even now, I miss worship, I miss the encouragement, I miss people praying for me; actually laying hands on me and praying for me.
My culture now is so different; my role and my responsibility seem to be familiar. There are still darts coming from the back, I am still doing a lot of administrative work, I am still sitting on my porch trying to listen to the hearts of the people that relate their back stories to me. The biggest difference is that I am getting nothing in return from the people around me. I am always inviting others over, yet no one invites us anywhere. I have wives that get mad at me because I missed a status on Facebook. I just sometimes feel so alone and isolated and that there is no one in my corner. Just this morning when I woke up at 0300 I was dreaming that I was encouraging others to keep going along on this path all the while spearing huge snapping turtles that kept getting in my path. That probably describes it better than anything else I can come up with.
It amazes me that people believe that between homeschooling my kids, going to college full-time, being a part of the FRG, selling Scentsy and my husband being gone for weeks at a time, that I get up every morning and come up with a list of the things that I can do to make their lives a living nightmare. I am lucky to remember to buy milk for my kids, they often have to remind me that it's time to eat; I often wear mismatched socks... I promise I don't have the stamina or the where with all to come up with such mischievous plans.
My Father is all I have left in times like this. My faith is what keeps me moving forward, even when my eyes are full of tears, even when my heart seems beyond repair, when I feel bludgeoned. People’s lives move on. The ones that used to support me, pull me out of the ditch, they aren’t there. I have to pull myself out. I have to trust that God has something for me. I am not in crisis mode, but I am in pre-deployment mode and I feel like everyone is looking at me to be the strong one. I just trust God’s daily deposit of grace and mercy increases over the next few months. I have to reevaluate my priorities and find time to get back in the word. Maybe find a good bible study, something to hold me accountable. I miss studying the word.
When we went to a financial advisor a couple of years ago he said that we were presented with “too many opportunities.” That’s how I am feeling right now. There are too many opportunities to get involved, too many opportunities to get distracted, too many opportunities to use my use my gifts and talents, too many opportunities to have too many people attack.
So this morning I am trying to organize my thoughts, despite the fact that it’s so early in the morning. I need to get a good to do list. I need to balance my checkbook; I need to see where I am before I can move on. I need to take care of my responsibilities, but first I needed to get a hold of my Father. Listening to worship music and blogging is the best way I know to do that right now.
Love always wins. Be blessed, and then be a blessing. I am blessed, I just need to take account of that, rebuke this anxiety, wallow in the love of my Father and do the first things first. I love you all. Honestly. Keep the faith. You are loved extravagantly; you are the apple of His eye, He smiles when He looks down at you, even if you are struggling. That is where my strength comes from.
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