On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised." 'Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, "Live!" I made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels. Your breasts were formed and your hair grew, you who were naked and bare." 'Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine." 'I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD. ~Ezekiel 16:4-14
I was born to a mother who loved me and a father that adored me. I was born in the early 70's, by Dad freshly back from Vietnam. They both had brought feelings of abandonment and rejection to the marriage, drugs and alcohol were crutches and despite the fact that they loved me and that they did the best that they could being raised in a home like that leaves a little girl with a lot of holes. I like to tell the story that God found me. When most toddlers loved to watch cartoons, I had an soft spot for preachers. I loved to watch the Crystal Cathedral on The Hour of Power as a little child. I remember the first time my mother took me to church and handed me a Bible. I had no idea what this red book held and sitting in bible school when they asked us to open to a scripture I had no idea how to navigate through the pages.
When I was 12, my parents divorced. My mother did all that she knew to do with 2 small kids and threw us into church. I learned of the Holy Spirit, I learned the songs, I participated. Then at 14, I went to live with my Dad and really didn't step back into church for a few years. I didn't have a deeply rooted relationship with Jesus Christ. I looked to boys in particular to fill the holes of a young women. I had utter disregard for the temple that God had given me and time and time again, I tried to find love and acceptance through sexual encounters. Once I finished high school I was dealt the blow of having my favorite aunt murdered. Then within months learned that I was pregnant. I had an abortion, then the next year I had another. I began to feel the tugging of God at my heart and I enjoyed some fellowship in the church. I began to pray for the man of my dreams.
I met the man God sent me in 1994 and we were married 5 weeks later, I got pregnant on our wedding night and delivered our first son 9 months to the day later. I walked into marriage with very unreal expectations. I thought that everything was going to be okay now and that I would be able to feel safe, secure, accepted and loved. Problem was that I married a man, a man that had struggled with sexual addictions just like I did. 5 years into our marriage we had 3 beautiful kids and despite he and I were best friends we had no clue how to be a married couple and to keep the snakes out of our bed. Heartbreaks followed. A lot of them. After a horrendous time in our lives I sought out counseling and was diagnosed Manic Depressive. I think it brought my parents some relief that there was a name for it. This self destructive behavior had a reason and could be cured with medication and behavior management.
In 2002, we moved to North Carolina to start a new life. For the first time, we were involved in a church full time. In the Spring of 2003 God delivered me of all of my needs for medication to treat being manic depressive. A few months later I lost my grandfather. It was in the fall of 2003 and at his funeral is when God showed me my destiny through His eyes. I enrolled in bible study after bible study and when that wasn't enough to answer my questions I began bible college. I found that I loved to study the word of God. Loved it, and as I read and study He began to put his finger on areas in my life that He wanted to heal. I started seeking spiritual healing with the help of a great team of ministers. Over the following years, I gained much strength in the Lord. I grew those roots I never had has a child.
When crisis again hit my husband and I, it was those roots that kept us bound together. It was God's provision and undying love that have kept us together despite our past, despite ourselves, God has a plan for us to be together. I would never want to walk this path of reconciliation and restoration with anyone but him. God has met me on so many occasions. He has been working with me through my shame, and I am learning to surrender to his gift of grace. I revel in my weakness and I tell my story to anyone who will listen because I love the fact that I am not who I was. God has taken me, cleansed me through his Son, Christ Jesus, and has determined that I am lovable, and not disqualified because of my past. God is writing my life story with a grand ending, not inspite of my circumstances but often because of it.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~John:16