Often times I find myself sitting on the back porch just thinking. Probably with a cup of coffee in my hands and sometimes even with a cigarette (one of the bad habits I picked back up in the last year).
This morning as I sat out there I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the last 2 years. Two years ago I sat on a different porch with different thoughts. There were no concerns about an impending deployment, there were no thoughts about the safety of my children being outside riding their bikes. My oldest son wasn’t driving, I had a plethora of friends and honestly my only concerns were finances and what my church family thought of me.
I don’t live in that bubble anymore.
It is a completely different ball game now. I don’t really care what anyone thinks about me. Although I do wish that they would think about me. I went through the entire day of Christmas without talking to any family, other than my mother. We celebrating Christmas early due to the fact that the needs of the Army consistently outweigh the needs of Ft. Grantham. There is an aloneness that I don’t think I have experienced since I first got married and moved to Puerto Rico. I feel so far removed from real life, I feel so far removed from the protective covering of a church family, of my biological family, of my friends.
I attempted to go to secular college and hated it. Somewhere in me I am programmed to enjoy dry theology books more than the those of the secular world. They attempt to fix people without realizing that people are spiritual beings and without addressing core spiritual issues that you are going to consistently deal with the same roots no matter how much therapy sessions and medications that you prescribe. I have no interest is selling anything that isn’t really what people need. I tried therapy all of those years ago, but until I allowed God to search me and know me, I consistently fell into the same pitfalls.
This next year is going to be my year. With my husband deploying, getting my children and I through this deployment is going to take the majority of my faith and strength. I am not looking to save the world. I am just looking to be honest with what I am feeling, with what I am experiencing, with what God is whispering to my heart. There will be some that won’t like it. There will be some that might get their feelings hurt, as much as I love them, until I can pour this out, until I can be honest, until I can pull these roots out, I will suffer. I am willing to let God write my life story, I am willing to live me life out loud in a way that will help others who find themselves on a similar path to my own. I can’t hide anymore. I can’t hold the beach ball under the water anymore.
I have been so quiet these last few months because I have been struggling. Not in my faith, not in my relationship with God but with the transition from the simple life that I lived to the real world that I deal with now on a daily basis. There are real people with very real problems that need a smile from me, that need the saving grace that God so abundantly poured into my life. As much as this year is about me being open and honest, it’s in that honesty, in that vulnerability that I will be able to help others.
I plan on sharing my story with anyone who will listen, there will be a lot of my emotions and story that will pour out right here. If I don’t get it out, if I don’t pour it out somewhere I am going to drown and choke on my own blessings. There is something inside of me trying to come out and if I don’t begin pouring I feel like it’s going to kill me. So much like a little child trying to find that one elusive toy in the bottom of their toy chest, I am going to pour it all out in an attempt to find the one thing that needs to be found. The one root that really ties this all together.
I am going to go ahead and renew my blog for another year. I can’t guarantee that anyone is going to read it. It’s not my attempt at fame and fortune. I am not going to go out and advertise or try to make money, I am just needing somewhere to pour out what is within me in my attempt to find the truth and the purpose of JenniLee. I am not trying to teach anyone anything, well except maybe myself. I am ready to move out of this desert and in order to do that I need to quit my whining and start throwing off the things that are keeping me bound here.
Care to take another adventure with me?
I am loved, you are loved, I am blessed, you are blessed. Let’s get real. Let’s shake off the pretenses, let’s shake off the need to be liked, or popular, or the next Joyce Meyer or Woman of Faith. I just want to walk through this life holding the hand of my Savior as He whispers truth about my life, about my purpose, about my destiny. The rest will vanish.
Love always wins. Be blessed then be a blessing.