4.29.2008

Spoiled by His Extravagance

I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD. Ezekiel 16:9-14

One of the best days of my life since I moved here to North Carolina happened yesterday. We got a Starbucks!! Woot Woot! I can't even explain my joy! I can't contain myself with giddy to know that I can get a Venti Mocha without driving 45 minutes!!

Well the last couple of weekends my husband has been out of town, the Army and another Men's Encounter. Well yesterday morning we woke up to the sound of rain and he called his guys and told them he was going to call it a "wash" ....cracks me up. We still had to have my truck to the Dealer for a service appointment at 8 am so there was still no chance to go back to sleep. So we got up and got dressed, dropped my truck off and headed to guess where.....?? That's right Starbucks!!

Sitting there drinking my Venti White Mocha on a Monday morning at 7:45, God really opened my eyes to how spoiled I really am. My husband left me for a moment to go to the bathroom and as I sat there I watched the hustle and bustle of people working. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't "have" to have a job. God has blessed me to stay home and teach my children, not that I don't work, I do...I do the books for my husband and I always have a project...raising 3 kids is a full-time position. But God was just reminding me that he knows the desires of my heart in a very real, very practical way.

You see Sunday night I was being a spoiled brat. I didn't get something that I wanted and I was just bent sideways about it. Couldn't sleep - just mad...mad...mad. I came out to my kitchen and wrote letter to God about how I never get what I want. Reading through Psalms because David was the best whine writter in the Bible. Then I found this verse....

Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
~Psalm 143:7-8

I stopped writing the letter of demands and laid my desire, my hurt and my rebelliousness at the foot of the cross. I resubmitted that area of my life and I went on to bed. I choose to trust Him in that area...either I did or I didn't....and I chose to believe.

The Lord showed me his extravagant love for me Monday morning. He showed me through the love of my husband, He showed me through the gift of time. He showed me by the gift of just knowing my desires. God has never let me down. NEVER. He is always faithful in His goodness. Even when I don't see it. Even when I pitch my fits...even when I think I am all alone. He knows me and He sees me and He is quick...within moments...showing me His purpose and His provision.

So this morning, I remind all of my sisters of grace. Joy comes in the morning. He can pour out His extravagance in such simple ways that we look right past it. The ways that He has shown us His provision before may look different than they used to. However, that doesn't mean that they don't exsist. The Lord gave me a vision this weekend of He and I dancing. He was very clear in telling me to keep my eyes on His eyes...quit trying to watch my feet and allow Him to lead. I need to learn to let Him move my body in the most graceful dance. It's when I submit to that lead that I can flow in the way He has designed for me. It's when I do that, that others around me can see his strength. I want to see His purpose, I want to see the inner workings and He is just telling me to keep my eyes on His in the most intimate way...to allow Him love me, to submit to His lead...To feel His body next to mine, to feet His breath on my neck. The Lover of my Soul dances with me. It is my choice whether it is a dance of grace or whether I want to flounder in my own desires. Think Elaine on Seinfeld. I purpose to dance with my Father...even if I have to place my feet on His feet until I learn the steps.

Praise the LORD.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.

Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.

Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,

praise him with tambourine and dancing,
praise him with the strings and flute,

praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD.
~Psalm 150


Lord, this morning you have brought such tender tears to my eyes, You continue to pour out your love for me. You never leave me and you never forsake me. EVER. Lord, you teach me in a very real way. You show me your love in such simple acts. Lord, continue to open my eyes to see them. Lord, allow me to show others your love. It is my hearts desire to share with others your love. Thank you for the opportunities that you have provided for me to do that. I love you Lord and I chose to put on my dancing shoes this morning. In Jesus name. Amen.

4.25.2008

Yes Lord

Lord, even as we go forward from this place, even as we take this which you have given me, Lord I continue to have this be the song of my heart. Lord, I just declare these words over my family, over our mouths, our feet, our hands. Lord, thank you for saying that I am qualified. Thank you for searching among the land and seeing me and saying, "There she is". I am humbled by your love for me, your righteousness and your soverignty...I am but yet a wisp and yet you find me, and wrap me in your arms of love. I thank you for what you have done for me, I thank you for your sacrifice and how you have rebuilt our foundation. Lord, there is peace in my heart, there is joy in my heart and Lord, it is only because of you.

I love you, Father, Savior, Redeemer. In Jesus Name. Amen.

4.23.2008

Daughter of Grace

Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. Isaiah 61:7

As I have mentioned, God has really been working on my shame. I have begun to share with you the rooting that I had in that ugly place. The lies that I believed, the things I excluded myself from because I didn't deem myself worthy or righteous. As I have laid those things on the altar of my Father he is burned them and made beauty from the ashes.

I am beginning to see my double portion, I am beginning to see what God has laid before me almost like Dorothy on the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick road. What seemed like such a narrow passage was more brightly lit and easier to see when I took of my shades of shame, as I sat down the baggage that I lugged around full of the souvenirs of my hurts and my past. Oh how I have longed to sit down and look at myself as a beautiful Creation of the Creator of the Universe. Who left out no detail, he didn't forget to paint the sky for me at night, he didn't forget to have the crickets sing me to sleep in the summer, he didn't forget the stars to twinkle over my head like a tiara fit for a princess. The gifts are easier to acknowledge when I am not justifying why they are for everyone but myself. As I have removed my blessing filter, I have truly begun to see what God has worked for my good for the last 35 years for such a time as this.

That is the inheritance, that God went before me and paved the Yellow Brick road, His Ways, so that I could follow behind him and rejoice in the blessings that he earned for me. I didn't have to work for them and I surely could never earn them...no matter how much I tried. There is no lack of provision in his inheritance. I want for nothing, I am secure in Him, and my future is so bright, that I no longer need shades of rejection, abandonment and unworthiness to keep me set apart. His provision, His call, I can hear them beckon to me even as I sit here in awe of the grandeur of His love.

He knows the desires of my heart and now that the shame no longer lives there I can hear them. Prior to that my entitlements, my demands, my inability to accept blessings kept playing so loud that I thought I knew what my desires were, but I had kept them to a dull roar. They ached to be heard, but couldn't get my attention over the voices that played over and over in my head.

I remember when I first started my process of healing and after a ministry session, for the first time in my head there was silence. There was peace. I return to that place of glory at this point in my life. As I listen, the only voice I hear is that of my Father, calling out to me, come sweet love. The brat that has lived there for 35 years no longer calls out over his voice. The serpent has been killed and I praise God that I am still here...For so many years I couldn't differentiate between the serpent and myself...and for some time in there, there was no difference. All I knew was that the beast had to be killed, even if that meant killing myself in the process. I am free from those thoughts today. I now know that I don't have to die in order to have that quiet in my life. The tension is my shoulders has released for the first time in my life and despite the fact that my plate is full I am alright and my soul is at rest. I am safe in His arms of love and for tonight I will rest in this place.

Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever.
Amen.


4.21.2008

Truth and Grace

The urge to quit is the last obstacle between you and your dreams. -Richard DeVos

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." John 10:27-30

So much of my theology has changed this weekend. So much of what I have held to be true for so long just isn't true anymore. For years my husband has told me that I am the most easily offended person that he knows. I just started to accept that as a truth in my life. Well this weekend with some powerful teaching it was stated, "The reason you are so easily offended is because you have used people to define you for your whole life". Whoa, ok I can see that. I really can. That has been a part of what God has been working in my heart since the beginning of the year. I was aware that it was an issue but I didn't realize how much it really shaped me. I can not be controlled and manipulated by someone who doesn't have anything that I need. Okay, got that too. I can see that…when I started looking at it all together it went farther than that. As I was processing some of this there was more of the revelation added to it.

God has designed us to fulfill our destiny, and the one thing that has been consistent in my life for as long as I can remember is that I "offend" people. There are some that I don't have to say a word before they have decided that they don't like me. There are others that liked me until they realized that I had responsibility for them, there are others that like me as long as I am petting them. I have tried for so long to temper myself...to keep myself from offending others. Here is what I know. Jesus offended people. Everywhere he went he offended people. God has created me to be iron in some people's life. If you have a problem with that, take it up with my creator.

That doesn't mean that I am excluded from having grace and mercy for people, with people. Jesus loved even as he offended. Jesus loved even his betrayer enough to serve Him at the last Supper. Everything Jesus told them was out of love. Was out of a love so deep that He didn't want them to remain hurting, to remain suffering, to remain as they were when he found them.
Do you think the woman at the well wanted to hear that she was with a man that wasn't her husband. What if she had gotten offended and walked away instead of listening to his heart. What would her future have looked like? It would have changed the whole story. What if he had been too afraid to be honest...What if he were more concerned with being kind than being honest how would it have ended then?

As I love myself and accept this attribute that God has given me I will be able to love more those around me. Although in the last few weeks, God has poured such a love for his people into my heart. When a woman is really struggling, when she is really sharing, when she is really hurting, I can almost feel it within myself. On the other hand, God has given me the ability to see when it is pride or martyr motivated. I find grace and mercy in those areas not for the events but for the woman that feels like that is all she has to offer. As Jesus did with the woman whose offering offended others. God knew her heart, he could feel her love, even as the event would be ridiculed for being extravagant...how much more extravagant is God's love for us? Through her shame she worshiped him the best she knew how. She offered the best that she had...he knew what she was doing. It was the others around her that wanted to judge her...maybe out of their unwillingness to make such an offering.

There are some that can live in a no wake zone. For some it's okay, that's where they are comfortable, but that's not how God wired me and when I am less that what he has called me to be to keep other's from getting ruffled than I am denying what he has done for me. I become impotent for my calling, for my anointing. I am not here to please people. They don't have what I need, they aren't my source. As I draw nearer to God and listen to his voice he tells me...

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of th ethe world. That is why the world hates you. Remember the words I spoke to you: No servant is greater than his master. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also." John 15:18-20

There are going to be people that don’t like me. There are going to be people that get offended by what I say. There are going to be some that walk away, that at one time were able to be close that as time goes one will no longer be able to. I am responsible to the field that God has given me and I MUST live out my calling. I MUST say what he puts in my mouth to speak. I MUST be obedient to the voice of my shepherd.

Father, I repent for not walking in what you have given me. Lord, I know that you have told me that as I share my testimony that the words will carry your anointing. Father, I pray that my heart would be aligned to yours. I pray that the love for your people will continue to be my motivator and that Lord even as I say your words that you would put love in my arms for their comfort. Lord, allow the fullness of what you have created in me not be hindered by my worst enemy...myself. Even as I struggle, even as I chase after you Lord. Even as I continue to be changed, I will never reach a place where I feel changed enough to be qualified, you are the qualifier and the caller and this morning I hear your voice calling me out of the shadows. Father the joy is coming as you teach me to be what you have designed me to be. As I let go of what I have been ... to become what you have for me, it’s a beautiful creation that I am able to see. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

4.18.2008

I am a Princess



4.17.2008

Never

"For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 NLT

For the past two Wednesday evenings I have been teaching on the power of the tongue. This is a powerful lesson because it's can so drastically change someone's life. One of the biggest topics that I cover is Always/Never. in 1 Corinthians 13:5 we are told that love keeps no record of wrongs. Here me on this..."She is always late", "He always leaves my fuel tank empty", "He never buys me flowers", "She never shuts up". That is keeping a ledger of wrongs. I have told you before that my spiritual mother never lets me say the word "again". Same idea...I am keeping accounts.

How about if you say "I will never marry someone like that", "I will never treat my children like that". Then we are talking judgements. Matthew 7 :1&2 tells us that we will be judged in the same way we measure others.

So when God says to us ...Never. I take special attention. John 14:6-7 tells us, "Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him." Jesus is the Truth, He can't lie to us. If Jesus is how we know Father God, then Father God can't lie to us either. When he says "never" he means just that "never". NEVER.

God says to us, "I will never leave you, never will I forsake you".

Never...when you had your abortion, when you had your affair, when you lied about how much you spent. God was there. The Holy Spirit was in you. He created us...the Spirit is within us waiting for us to want His will. We are never alone, because our faithful Father says, I will never. NEVER. So I guess my question is why do we try to keep it all in the dark. We hold it in ourselves and shame ourselves...abuse ourselves...in lieu of bringing it to the altar and allowing Him to seperate them from us. We fear that his punishment is worse than our self-inflicted punishment so we hold it as an entitlement, as a scarlet letter on our chest. Then we can feel justified in our unworthiness. Our shame can be fed and can continue to exclude ourselves from the calling to be apart of the body of Christ.

"For God has bound all men over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all." Romans 11:32

He will never leave us, but, how often it is that we will leave him. We will take the lies and the shame and define ourselves in a way totally contradictory to His Word, His Truth.

Lord, I just praise you for your goodness. That you can open someone's ears in a whole new way. That Lord how everything plays together and it is all aligning with your purpose. Lord, I thank you that you have never left me. I have drug you some pretty ugly places but you have never left me. Lord, thank you for your forgiveness, and for your provision. Thank you father, that you made us all disobedient, so that you could have mercy on us all. We all need you, none of us more than another. I praise you Lord, I love you and I just sit in awe of you this morning. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

4.16.2008

Do You Know Me?

4.15.2008

Collateral Damage

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 The Message

Oh how I needed that this morning. For the past few days I have really been dealing with some intense feelings of hurt. Someone broke my trust, in the deepest pit of myself I have been shut down for almost a week now. I have allowed Satan yet again to add to my shame, to my definition of myself and this morning as I read that passage I feel freer. There are so many things that I can appreciate about the situation but my heart stopped and had operated in malfunction for a week.

I am reading a book for my upcoming class and it was describing the difference between malfunction and dysfunction. Malfunction is the printer only printed half a page, dysfunction is that something is caught in the runner and it won't do anything. Often time I know that I take a malfunction and because of my upbringing resort to dysfunctional mindset. It's all or nothing. There is no room for compromise or even a slight stumble without it wanting me to call the whole thing off and running. Much like a turtle in those instances, I either walk very slowly or I will just resort to pulling into myself. For the past few nights I have wanted to say to my offender...I am shutting down here, I don't know what to do to stop the process but I know that I am hurting.

As I type that this morning God is so good to remind me that I have been stripped of a layer recently and that it is virgin skin. It has never been burned, or hurt in any way. It doesn't have the callouses that the previous layer had. That's why I am hurting so bad, my defenses, I can't use my previous defenses. God has taken them from me. I have asked to be naked, and here I stand for all the world to see. God is talking to me about self-protection. Why do I feel the need to protect myself? Just like Adam and Eve, who told me I was naked? Who told me I had reason to fear? Psalms 3:3 reminds me that God is my shield, he is my covering. Although I feel naked He is protecting me, he is shielding me from seeing everything going on around me. I can only see what He is doing within me and not to the others around me.

In war there is Collateral Damage...the secondary damage done by the intended attack. Sometimes what we see as a full blown attack on us is the actual carnage or collateral damage done to us by the attack on someone else. What we need to learn is that if it makes something revererate within us, is that God can use that as well to shape us, to mold us. It's like the bathwater is still warm so let's through that second child in there.

"Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world." 2 Peter 4:12-13 NLT

Lord, I am amazed by you. Even as I sit here and listen to this song I am reminded that you are here. That I am not alone. That you are right here. Lord, I am sorry for holding on to my entitlements of pain, I am sorry for shutting down when I was needed the most. Lord, this morning I submit myself willingly to the healing that this situation is bringing to me and to others around me. Lord, you see what I can't, you hear what I can't hear. Lord, open my eyes and my ears to receive what you are saying to me through this situation. Lord, help me to open my heart again and to receive the love that is coming from this. Lord, help me to see that this isn't about me, but allow me to enjoy the hot water left in the bathtub. You are so righteous and so Holy and today Lord, I come out of the victim stage and back into the destiny that you have for me. I honor you and praise you for all that you do. My heart is renewed and refilled in a way that only you can do. Lord, let me walk in that love today as I minister my forgiveness to this person. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen

4.14.2008

Naked without Shame

The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. Genesis 2:25

I would love to be naked with no shame. I am not talking hanging out in a locker room naked, or even walking around in my home. I am talking about the nakedness and vulnerability that comes when you don't walk in shame. I believe that Satan's greatest way to keep us from walking in our destiny is shame. Even if we can be convinced of God's love for us. For Jesus' personal sacrifice for ourselves. Even in that place of worship, even in that place of walking it out. Shame can still remain.

Shame is the biggest battle that I have encountered in all of my life.

Hear me on this, shame is prideful. Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it. Here is what I have learned...anything that thought is about more than God is pride. So if you think everyone else can have salvation, everyone else can have peace...but your thoughts go like this, "you don't know what I have done...you don't understand where I am right now..."What you are really saying is "You don't understand that I am SOOOO special that God is good enough for you, however, what I have done, what I have experienced, what I have endured can not be bought by the redemptive blood of Christ".

So a few weeks ago I realized another layer of my pride. How prideful I can be. How I had disqualified myself from the purpose that God had for my life (remember I am just that special...I have super powers stronger than God). There was a belief that I had held so dear that it had become such a part of me that the only way that I can even describe it is as a snake that had wrapped itself around my spine, was intertwined in my rib cage and it's head was laying on my heart. It was a core definition that I used to filter every decision, every conversation, every place I walked.

When I was finally able to describe it, when God finally gave me the strength to see it, it was the most grotesque thing I have ever envisioned. The power that I had given it was unfathomable. Every time that I had not stood up for myself, every time that I believed the lie, every time that I didn't say here and no farther...I fed it. It took more space in my chest, my heart, and my life. I allowed people to treat me a certain way, I allowed people to talk to me with such disrespect and contempt. I allowed people to abuse me in ways that weren't natural. The worst part was that I was my worst abuser...I have verbally and physically abused the vessel that God created for me. I allowed things other than the Word to define me. I kept accounts...and always came out in the negatives. I allowed others to define me by what they needed me to be.

Here is what God is teaching me through this, to be honest, to let my testimony carry His anointing and to allow it to touch others. There are so many people that have said that I share too much on here. I let too many people have too many details and here is my question, if I don't share it...if I keep it under the bushel basket and don't show the light than what was the purpose of going through it. If I hold even a bit of it back, out of shame...I feed it. The Lord has assured me that I don't have to exaggerate, nor do I minimize what the Lord had done or is doing in my life. If I exaggerate, he has told me that it makes my words weigh less, if I minimize it's not telling of his fullness. There are things that I don't want to talk about, hence why I have been so quiet on here for the last few months. I wanted it to be light and funny but that isn't His purpose...I believe that the purpose for this is for me to be anonymously honest. There is something about sitting in my own home, listening to the tapping of the keys that gives me a sense of security. This is practice for me...to get my thoughts together, to be honest and forthright no matter how bad it hurts.

Lord, thank you for the reminder that I am a princess, that I am a delicate tea cup and not a styrofom cup. Lord, as you begin to give women this new mindset, that we are worthy of love and respect...as you begin to teach us that we do have a voice, that our hearts do matter...that the desires that you have planted in us aren't for someone else. Lord, I pray that you fill us with more love, more grace and more mercy. Lord, I pray for exponential understanding and discernment when another woman is dealing with this. That I would not get offended, that I would forgive her quickly but more than that, I would have the words or the resources to give her to help her see this issue in her own life. Lord, I thank you for your revelation for this area of my own life. I thank you that you are continuing to teach me how to walk this out. Lord, thank you for my purpose, thank you for the vehicles that you have used to get me here. Lord, I thank you for the hard lessons, I thank you for teaching me this all through your Holy Spirit. You are my motivation and I pray that as I continue to lay things on the altar that you will continue to find the aroma of my burnt offering pleasant. Bless you Lord, I love you and praise you. In the name of Jesus. Amen

4.11.2008

Lord...it's up to you.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:11

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

4.10.2008

Keeping on

"We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." 1 John 2:3

The thoughts come...what exactly did Christ have to walk. Did he walk in rejection? Was his life mocked? Did his friends ever let him down? Did he ever have higher expectations of those around him...Did he ever get his feelings hurt.

Jesus was a servant, not a martyr. His life had a purpose all it's own and it wasn't dependant on what others thought or did. I think he often encouraged but at times got disappointed by the lack of maturity in his disciples. He never spoon fed them but yet expected them to be able to digest the meat that he was handing them. He never made excuses and he never had to justify nor defend himself. As a matter of fact he served Judas. He taught him and served him no different than the others but Jesus knew that he would betray him. He never turned His back on Him he never looked at God and said, "I can't do this". He did it...every day of His life and he said "Not my will, but yours."

I wish. I hope that at some point that my knee jerk reaction is to obey, that it is do lay aside myself and to be obedient no matter what the cost. But at this point I am not programmed that way.

For the last few weeks the Lord has really been dealing with me on my heart. What is my attitude as I teach, as I respond to crisis, as I get bumped on some scars to see if there is any pain left. Here is what I know...I very rarely get it to look the way that I want it to. If I want it to look like I have it all figured out...I won't...and it will be obvious. Others will see me for who I am and even in that love me anyway. It's humbling to not have it all figured out and yet still have friends.

I want to be obedient. I want to walk in the footsteps of Jesus. Hear me know I am not saying that I want to be Jesus or that I am Jesus I am saying that I want to walk with Him so closely that I can hear him breath. That even if I take a step backwards that He will be right behind me so closely that I bump into Him. It isn't something that is pleasant because once you get Jesus in, he begins to show you things about yourself that you have hidden from everyone. The things that you don't want to share he will require because someone else needs your been there done that experience and testimony.

So just a reminder to those of you out there...I don't have it all together. And some days (like today) are sensitive days that are a little more abrasive than others. They are a little more tender as God shows me things and lets me see how I will respond. Here is my choice and here is my response...

Lord, today I chose to forgive even before the day begins. I chose to not get offended and I choose to not get my panties in a wad. Lord, today I trust you to do your will without my help. If you need my help a place will be made for me and you will open the door for me. It is not something that I will have to fight for but it will be something that opens without any of my own prodding. Lord, today I chose to be a friend, I chose to love those around me not out of my own abilities but out of the overflow of the love you have given to me. Lord, do not let me take it personal when someone doesn't respond the way that I had hoped. Let me not pick up their offense but Lord let me be what you have called me to be without any regrets.

Lord I love you and I thank you for all of the hard things. For all of the hard places that you continue to tinker with. Lord, I submit to the refiners fire no matter how hot or intense it gets. I chose to stay here until you release me. You are the Lion and the Lamb...I love you and I honor you. King of Kings...In the name of Jesus. Amen.

4.09.2008

By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our Testimony

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything." 1 Corinthians 6:12

I know it's been a while since I have been diligent about blogging on here...it's been a rough few weeks with my time commitments. I used to be able to write in the mornings and now I just don't find that to be true. I just wanted to share some of the ideas that God has been sharing with me during this time apart from you.

I can do anything I want to...I can pitch a fit, I can be irresponsible, I can have it my own way. But I no longer want to. It's not that I can't have my own will I can...surely I can and I have for a long time. I am however at the place that I don't want to give it any more thought. I want to be totally sold out to Christ and to jump over the cliff on the road to righteousness. God has been so extravagant with his show of love to me over the last few weeks. I really had to walk through it fully before I could even begin to think about sharing it...but I now believe that I am to the point that is what is going to require of me.

There are some things that I am sure that I would rather not share but I am of the belief that I have to share what I went through it if I want to truly have victory over it in my life. It's the words of my testimony that make others more than overcomers. I will have to be careful not to reveal too much of the process that God used for me because that is not my intention to give you self help tips.

Know that it is my heart to share with you at all times the glory of God and all that He is doing to me and through me. I am not the same women who wrote to you before who seemed to have it all figured out and was able to talk with a voice of pride. There is no pride left, I don't have it. I laid it all at the cross and I have cried over all of it and grieved for the parts of myself that I have had to leave behind. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been pretty but in the next few days and possibly weeks it is my heart to share it with you. To share my testimony in the truest form ever. He has told me that I have no right to be ashamed of the vehicles he used to get me to this place. That He is going to anoint my words as I share in truth what He has been doing in my life.

Maybe He had to wait until I had no regular readers anymore. This is not a website that I will ever advertise. This is just my heart. This is just me and God and whom ever He decided to share this with.

It might start to look a little different...smell a little different around here. But I pray that it is a fragrant offer to God whom has chosen to redeem me through His Son Jesus Christ.