I love Miranda Lambert. When you see me driving down the road singing, with the windows up... at the top of my lungs... know that this is probably the song I am belting out. Tears streaking my make up... snot running.
Lord, I can feel you here.
My heart dances in my chest with anticipation of your divine presense. Lord, I learned to throw up or blow up in this house.
Lord, rhema - please.
Refill the empty dry places-
Welcome me back in to the house the way of the Father & the prodigal son. I don't claim to understand this season of our lives- but Lord I know that there is something in me that just needs to dance for you-
I reject the fear of rejection. I reject the orphan spirit. In the name of Jesus!
I am so tired of feeling disqualified and disposible.
Lord, I know that you have a purpose for me - Lord - Lord - Lord
Lord Jesus - only you.
As I sat there and poured this out, there were emotions and revelations. I have lived a long life of rejection. I honestly believed for most of my life that I was disposable. That my life counted for nothing... I lived that out loud with my actions... and I dwelled on it with suicidal thoughts through my late 20's. I didn't realize until last night that I also dealt with an orphan spirit. I am thinking that we dealt with some of it maybe while I was going through my restoration healing sessions. I remember maybe addressing it. However, last night it resounded in me. I tied it all together for the first time.
The only conditional love I have ever known here on earth, has come from people who didn't have to love me. There are family dynamics that I won't go into here... but both my father and my mother chose others over me. No condemnation - just revelation. I was pushed to the side for circumstances. Somewhere in me, I realized that I was disposable. I lived with a "I will never be good enough" thought pattern, I still do. I have dealt with it in my marriage, I have dealt with it when coming into ministry.
I feel as though I have no real roots. I think that is what happens when you don't grow up around extended family. My core family growing up were nomadic. There is no family land that has been in the family for generations. My grandparents relocated to Florida, then my parents followed. I don't have a sister, my brother is ten years younger than I am. Somewhere that family connection didn't form. Everything seems so compartmentalized to me. My parents, my mom, my brother. No unity, only discord and strife. There is no connection with aunts, uncles or cousins. There is no heritage, no tradition.
I don't think I put all of that together until these last 24 hours. Even within the church. The only place that I ever dug into and established roots, disqualified me. You take someone who doesn't know to how to connect, and put her continually in new enviroments, what she begins to do is stay disconnected.
I believe that this is the revelation into the root of my pain. I have floated above the surface until someone has wanted me. Sexually, intellectually, emotionally. In those relationships, I still walked away empty, the rejection, the abandonment... an orphan with no where to call home. I dread holidays at my parents house because I am always feel like an outsider, like everyone is doing me some huge favor by allowing me to be here. There is no connection.
This is just the beginning. Of that I am sure. You can't heal what is in the dark. God brings this like this into the light so that they can be examined.
God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
Psalm 139:1-6&23-24 The Message
Had a great talk with my mentor this morning. We were talking about "leaning into pain" in order to ease it. Don't flench and clench it just makes it worse. I think that is what this passage means when it says "Don't run from suffering; embrace it". As I have allowed my tears to fall, as I have leaned into instead of defending from my pain, I have found that the purging has become easier. Not to say that it didn't look like I had marshmellows under my eyelids this morning but I fell lighter. I never do things gracefully it's not who I am. I am the cat with the claws in the doorjam every time God tries to take me somewhere new. I never see it until I have already clawed everyone up around me though.
What I have found is that God is wanting to revisit some rooms in my life that have left lingering pain because I just shut the door on them and moved on. I did the forgiveness, I said a prayer, but I never dealt with my emotions of the event. I never fully quit blaming myself, and although I am really great at accepting my responsibility for an event, I am not very good at receiving forgiveness from or for myself. So what I see God doing is taking my hand into these spaces and saying, "Do you see me there, standing next to you? Do you feel my hand embracing yours? You weren't there alone, I was with you, from the very beginning."
I wish there was a simpler way. I wish that somehow I could just set fire to the building and it would all be over. I want to run, but I can't. I have to allow Him to finish the deliverance that he started when He began pulling at my root of shame. I believe what His intention is at this point is to do the same thing with my pain. So that when I look back, I will be able to see the good, I will be able to see the blessing and not just be paralyzed by the pain. I didn't realize the extent of pain that hovered just below the surface. Therapy, ministry, nothing ever touched it to this level before. This is to my toes.
I want to love my children with all of me, not with holding any part of myself because of my own pain. I want to love my husband in the same way. More than that, I want to love God with a reckless abandon and not through a pain filter. I want to fully receive His love for me, so that I can fully love Him back. For that reason, and that reason alone, I submit to the process. I surrender to the cleansing... and I walk around with Preparation H just below my eyebrows.
Be blessed. Love always wins.
Being here is like being confronted with my past at every pass. I went to a funeral last week for a long time family friend. I could see the shock in some of the eyes that met mine. I did not turn out the way that they expected I would. I was the wild child of the bunch. I am not that anymore. It is amazing the places that shame can find you. It took me days to figure out the funk and where it came from. Then there are locations that remind me of past pain. Those are the ones that sneak up on you. I am afraid to drive around with my children too much because sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that the tears just fall. All of these emotions that have been stuffed for so long are sitting right below the surface. My defenses are down and they keep squeezing out. I have had so many Ahha! moments that the pieces have finally fallen into place that sometimes it's hard to keep up with the revelations. It's changing me. Again.
My prayer lately has been that I would be able to look at my past without feeling the shawl of shame resting on my shoulders, and without the knife of pain in my heart. I am not there yet. There is only one way to reconciliation... especially with oneself. I have forgiven so many but have held so much judgement for myself. I have lost faith is so much. My marriage, the church, my parents, my country, my security, my hopes & dreams... There isn't much left but a faith that everything that I have been taught about the Trinity is true. My hope is only that there will be a "coming forth" and that God's will is for all of this to be worth it.
No one but God himself, with the redeeming work of Christ and the comfort of the Holy Spirit is going to be able to put me back together in His design for me. I have to believe that He didn't intend for me to live with so much pain in my life. I have to believe that when I laid it all at the altar and said, "I surrender", that He in that moment took my welfare into His own hands.
We found a great little church here. I had lunch with the co-pastors yesterday. So humble, so kind, so open to this woman in transition. So willing to hold up my arms, to encourage through this "leg of the journey". How appropriate a response. I am having to learn to trust God in the strangest of places. I am having to learn to be open to whatever he lays before me. I am having to learn to transfer the weight from me to Him. I am learning to put my faith where my mouth is. Learning that there is no crutch other than Him that I would choose in my life. If I can't have Him, I don't want anything else.
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the woman that I have become. I have spent a lot of time sharing the heart of a woman that had held everything inside for so many years. My parents are meeting the woman for the first time. This honest, truth seeking... unafraid, confident, woman. Sometimes we don't realize how strong we have become, how broken, how "poured out", until we have to tell someone that used to know us when we were so full of it.
I am hoping that I will have more time to write again. I am trying to find the voice inside of me again. She has been silenced with tasks and transition, but I truly believe that she has a lot to say from a new perspective, from a softer heart of understanding. I hope to truly talk about the things that bother me... to not live in fear and shame for the the experiences but be willing to talk openly about how God used those circumstances to mold me and shape me into a new creature. How He continues to do so. That's my heart's desire.
Because truth brings healing...
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
They weren't in love with themselves; they were willing to die for Christ. Revelation 12:11
I said I was ready. I put all feet towards the mark. Then God laughed at me, and my pride, my self-sufficiency. He laughed as a father laughs at a little girl the first time she dresses herself and her shoes are on the wrong feet and her shirt is on backwards. I loved my comforts, my home, our business, my "pretty" marriage. I loved the pretense of perfection. I hid behind a mask, a wall. I was real with God, but I was lying to everyone else. I wanted so bad the position. I wanted so bad to finally be enough. Just when the mark was placed and it finally felt like God called my number... WHAM. I found myself lying face down, close to death - gasping for air. I sat on the edge of my bed and cried tears of years of frustration, years of "works" to achieve what I finally had and now, now, it was being ripped from me like an infant from it's mother. "I" had worked so hard. Strived so hard so that everyone would know me, need me. What a farce.
Only now a year later will I pour out my heart. I am not writing for anyone but my God except maybe myself, praying that it will bring the healing, the peace, the umph, to help me towards being a triumphant overcomer like Christ. I don't want to wallow, I can see the surface just above my head... but I just can't get there. I want to run, I want to go, I want to start a new life, yet, here I sit.
I don't look to man now to give me relief. This has all be orchestrated by God Himself... no one else could even attempt to pull this off. I know that He has me, I just wish that I could hear His voice, taste His tears.
The pillars of my life have been destroyed in a hurricane like manner. Everything I have used to prop myself up, to evade the storm. Everything I have used to set up a sense of security... I have built it high, to avoid the turmoil of the waves but this is was a tsunami and no matter the height of the strength of pillars when it's God's hand that is destroying there is no safety, no hiding, no levies strong enough. I did everything I was taught to do, took the right classes, led the right groups, tithed... served, and yet, God looked at me and said, anguish. Somehow I thought that it would be a temporary situation. That the light would come... that I would hear a voice, a direction. I still sit in silence. There seems to be no real path... although I know in my heart, I know that I know that I know, that there has to be one.
There is nothing without Him. There is no hope, there is no love, there is just an inability to get unstuck. I am worn out, worn down and eroded. I have no need for others problems. I have nothing to prop myself up against and therefore nothing to share. I am barely holding my own head above water. Silliness, drama... just wears me out. Be brutally honest, but don't lie. My emotions are untrustable. I don't trust what I feel because all I feel is tired. Other's expect so much more, they "know" that I will be okay. Will be... maybe... but right now, I just hold on for dear life to my husband and my children. Stuff is just stuff... I don't care about any of it. I can either hold onto stuff or I can let it go and grab a hold of God. I choose God. Always.
I long for sun on my face, I shudder at the thought of winter. I hoped all winter that spring would bring salvation, and all spring that summer would bring it. There has been none. The thought of hunkering back down wondering how to keep my soul warm, is just more than I can bear. I trust the salvation of Jesus, I just long for the salvation of my life... that my children won't suffer. That my children will not know of homelessness, or hunger. I wanted my children to have so much more, love so much more, find God so much bigger. Yet, they have had to ride this ride and I hate it for them. I hate how poverty defined my life, I didn't want that for them.
There isn't much left... of myself. I don't long to be bitter, I long to be better, I long to lay in the loving arms of my Father. Yet, my heart hurts. Tears flood my eyes and I just cry out for relief that does not find me. Woman of no preference. Of no regard... He told me I was His favorite... yet I have been left on the curb. I have sat on a shelf and waited...
I will continue to wait.
- All that is gold does not glitter,
- Not all those who wander are lost;
- The old that is strong does not wither,
- Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
- A light from the shadows shall spring;
- Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
- The crownless again shall be king. ~JRR Tolkien
|After Obedience - What?|
And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side… ." ”
We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end.
What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.
God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end.
God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.
When Moses when to the mount to meet with God, when Moses returned they had melted gold to make a cow, a golden "sacred" cow. People will worship something and if they don't have God, the Risen King, the Creator, they will find whatever they can to fill that void. It doesn't have to be a long time, we the created have a short attention span. If God isn't doing what we think He should when we think He should how quick we are to find our new idol... food, drugs, sex, popularity, pride... we even take our God given talents and set them ahead of God Himself.
I am approaching the 1 year since my world blew up anniversary. Only now am I seeing my passive aggressive, rebellious reactions. Only now, that I have begun to get my feet again beneath me has God again began to put his finger on those places that we are going to have to work on. There is still a river of rage and anger below the surface that can hide itself, that has submitted to the spirit of self-control and only allows itself to be stired from time to time. I believe that God is ready to redirect that river... I believe that it's time to break the dam.
I identified the anger months ago, I confessed it to God. There are times of righteous anger, anger that keeps you from repeating mistakes, anger that motivates you to change. I believe that God has allowed my anger to do those things. He used it in a sense to hedge me in. I also think that it's time to come out from behind the barrier, and establish new boundaries. Am I ready to be all encompassed again, I don't think so. But I am ready to grab His hand and allow Him to show me the newness that He wants to share.
It used to be I never traveled without my Bible, because I was reading it all of the time. Today, I had to dust it off. It's almost as though He has allowed me this time to pitch my fits, to try and replace Him with everything I could think of. It's as though He has been watching my every move waiting for me to see Him standing there. Arms crossed tapping His foot... You want food, you can have as much as you want... but does it calm the storm? You want shopping, fine buy as many shoes as you can fit in your closet, how is that storm now? You want to complain and mock, slander, go for it... Your mouth will be your guide down this river of anger, where do you want to go?
Lord, the only place I want to go, is to where you are. No where else, no one else, nothing else, can calm the storm of your love in my life. Thank you for being a jealous God, the seeks nothing but my heart and my life. I am reminded of that sign today Lord. Growth is the sign of Life. Thank you for fertilizing my life... to give me the chance to grow closer to you. Praise you Father. I love you.
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[b]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[d]says the Lord. 20On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[e] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
The man agreed, but he said, “Lord, first let me return home and bury my father.”
But Jesus told him, “Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead! Your duty is to go and preach about the Kingdom of God.”
Another said, “Yes, Lord, I will follow you, but first let me say good-bye to my family.”
But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.” ~ Luke 9:59-62
Lord, I am tearing down the vines that have kept me from you. I am allowing the scales to fall from my eyes. Lord, you have never left me. Since I was a little girl, watching The Crystal Cathedral, Father the prayer of a 3 year old little girl watching the TV. You have been with me, every step along the way. I am sorry for allowing pain to seperate us. I am sorry for not walking in the victory that you have already declared over my life. Lord, thank you for your grace, your ultimate gift and Lord, my life. Thank you for preserving my life so that I could enjoy the blessings you have so willingly bestowed. I love you... doesn't express it... but I am willing to show you with my life, and not just my mouth.
This has just been a season of Jesus getting into my hard heart. Of not flailing, not striving for my own way. It has been excrutiating. I have begun to allow Him in the deep places of hurt. Places that you forget about until He puts His finger on a memory, a smell, something that seems so insignificant takes you back to a place that meets you with pain. All of my worst fears, all of those memories that have defined me but that I have shut out and not taken to the Cross. I have lived my whole life in fear that God's grace wasn't enough for me. For everyone else, but not me. That my salvation, is conditional, on performance.