I love this book by Lisa Bevere. It has changed my heart, my perspective on purity, before & during marriage. It has spoken to the young girl in me who made wrong choices for all of the right reasons. She takes my past, my present and my future, my sexuality as a tarnished young woman and creates in me the desire to be wholy and pure as a wife... and to teach this great lessons to my children. One of my greatest desires is that my children would remain pure until marriage so that they are able to give themselves entirely with no holes to their spouse. What an awesome accomplishment and one that I wish I had been able to give and receive.
There is a quote in the book that smacked me upside the head last night and I feel compelled to share. "I got tired of being a warrior or a challenge, and longed instead, to be adored." YES! YES! YES! I don't want to fight for my place, or have to compete for it, I want to be adored and enough just as I am. That one sentence took how I have been feeling and put it into words, words that I could say... you know, yes that is what I want. "...it left me empty and hungry for someone who would truly love and protect me." Ok, so what I have been experiencing isn't new, I am not the only one. Lisa Bevere, I love you for writing this book and speaking to my heart in a way that can let me dance when all I have wanted to do is hide and cry in shame.
God is so in this area of my life and my marriage right now. He is cleaning house not only for me but for my husband and my kids. I refuse to let the beast of pornography impact my children, I will kill that demon in this house. It will no be used to define intimacy and it will not breed self-satisfaction. My husband and I have been married for going on 15 years, and we are successful in 90% of our marriage. We are best friends, we are awesome parents together... but because neither of us honored "purity" we have brought so much trash to our marriage bed and we have had to dig through and sort what is Godly and what isn't. I regret every act that I have done to tarnish what should be the most glorious place on earth for us. We are having to learn how to be holy and righteous in that place. God is cleaning the sheets, he is pulling out old hurts and walls that have been built to keep us from true intimacy. It is a beautiful thing.
We have decided that we are going to kill this. One way or another. For us, for our kids... for their spouses and for our grandchildren. Not saying that their live will be without struggle but we are taking responsibility for this area of our lives, for the past sins of our fathers, and we are saying this far and no farther. Does it mean we are going to be perfect, no... what it means is that we are commited to walking side by side through this battle for our family. However, we all know that you usually have to hit rock bottom before you will institute change. Well, we have been there and done that... and now we are ready to walk away from the wreckage, holding hands - loving each other with parts of ourselves that we have held back in fear. Loving with an ability to trust that although the hike may be hard, there may be scars that we are doing it together. Some won't understand, but others will look at us and know that it is only God's grace because we don't deserve the mercy and the grace He has poured out on the wounds that we have created and carried.
Lord, I thank you for allowing me to find the man you had for me. Even Lord, when it's hard. Lord, I thank you for loving me enough to give me such a wonderful husband and thank you Lord for opening our eyes to what you are trying to teach us. Lord, I thank you for my boys and for their hearts for you. I thank you for the opportunity to share the truth with them and with Julia. Father, I prayer even now for the purity of the spouse that you have set aside for them. Father, allow them also to enter their marriage pure and with a heart that is prepared to adore. Lord, thank you for the Song of Solomon and for the beauty that it portrays. Father, I love that you love us... I love that you have given us this wonderful gift of intimacy. Father, allow me to continue to learn so that we can lay aside our shame and help deliver this to others. I give it all to you and ask for your hand upon it... today and always.