It's Time

I love to sit here at this spot in the mornings, just as the sun streams in through my dining room window. I have to be in just the right spot at just the right time of day or I miss it. The sun gets above the covered porch pretty quickly and the shadow that it creates of my coffee cup doesn't last long.

A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

Transitions are never easy. I have sat still for so long I am almost unsure how to get myself moving.

I heard a pastor say once that when wine makers pour wine from one barrel they are careful not to stir up the dredges in the bottom of the vat. Imperfections, skins etc. settle to the bottom. So when they are pouring the wine they are very careful not to reintegrate the junk with the wine. I feel like that has been the stage I have been in for the last year. Waiting for all of the sediment to settle to the bottom. Let the imperfections fall away so that when I was poured into the new wine skin I am more refined than before.

I have held on to so much this last year that God was just waiting for me to let go. As we talked about the list of things He wanted to give me freedom from I was amazed at some of the things that I had held onto, or had held onto me. I had to break agreement with a lot of verbal commitments, a lot of spoken word curses. Things that other people had said to me that I hadn't disagreed with, that were holding me here. People don't realize the power in the tongue. I honestly think that if we did, we sure wouldn't say nearly half of what we say. There was a lot of clean up to do. There are possessions to get rid of. Habits that have to be broken. Hearts that have to mend.

It's time... there is no need to hold onto anything that wasn't mine to begin with.

Acts 16:26, "Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose."

Well, here we go.

It's surreal. Nothing more, nothing less.

We are officially heading back to active duty Army. After all of these months, God opened the door and we are crossing over into new territory. Leaving our home here behind, our lives as we know it. No idea what lies ahead.

God and I were talking this weekend while we were camping. I was watching this lizard crawl on a tree and the realization that there is no security in nature. That lizard has survived with no job, no future, no savings acct, he doesn't need a second bathroom, or a steady paycheck. I think we as humans put too much weight in security. What do I know? I just think that it's over rated. The things that we use to create an illusion of security is a mile long. All of them a farce.

The only true security is in Christ. Friends, family, spouses, plans, IRA's can and will let you down. Christ, the Redeemer, the Savior... He alone has never let me down. I don't claim to understand anything, because the more I begin to understand the more I realize that I don't know anything, but I know that His plan for me is greater than I could ever imagine. So for now, I have a house to pack, kids to school and a life to transition.

Welcome to the rollercoaster, I prefer to call life.

This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:10-11 The Message

Matthew West... The Motions

Blood of the Lamb...

They defeated him through the blood of the Lamb and the bold word of their witness.
They weren't in love with themselves; they were willing to die for Christ. Revelation 12:11

Willing to die for Christ? Willing to die to yourself. Everything you have ever wanted, dreamed of, thought that you needed. Are you willing to die to your preferences, your desires, your dreams. Are you making a sacrifice of praise or are you playing pattycake? Do you say you are willing to die for the cause and yet set up boundaries to protect yourself. Do you hide? Behind pain, rejection, fear?

I said I was ready. I put all feet towards the mark. Then God laughed at me, and my pride, my self-sufficiency. He laughed as a father laughs at a little girl the first time she dresses herself and her shoes are on the wrong feet and her shirt is on backwards. I loved my comforts, my home, our business, my "pretty" marriage. I loved the pretense of perfection. I hid behind a mask, a wall. I was real with God, but I was lying to everyone else. I wanted so bad the position. I wanted so bad to finally be enough. Just when the mark was placed and it finally felt like God called my number... WHAM. I found myself lying face down, close to death - gasping for air. I sat on the edge of my bed and cried tears of years of frustration, years of "works" to achieve what I finally had and now, now, it was being ripped from me like an infant from it's mother. "I" had worked so hard. Strived so hard so that everyone would know me, need me. What a farce.

Only now a year later will I pour out my heart. I am not writing for anyone but my God except maybe myself, praying that it will bring the healing, the peace, the umph, to help me towards being a triumphant overcomer like Christ. I don't want to wallow, I can see the surface just above my head... but I just can't get there. I want to run, I want to go, I want to start a new life, yet, here I sit.

I don't look to man now to give me relief. This has all be orchestrated by God Himself... no one else could even attempt to pull this off. I know that He has me, I just wish that I could hear His voice, taste His tears.

Lost love...

I seek God... I lay in total desperation for His fresh breath in my life. I have sought and yet not found refuge in this last year. My marriage is better, but I am lazier. I have been a martyr and I am just too worn down by the whole process to stand up and fight. I feel like a weaking... failure has never been an option but there are days that I know it's only through the grace of God that I have survived.

The pillars of my life have been destroyed in a hurricane like manner. Everything I have used to prop myself up, to evade the storm. Everything I have used to set up a sense of security... I have built it high, to avoid the turmoil of the waves but this is was a tsunami and no matter the height of the strength of pillars when it's God's hand that is destroying there is no safety, no hiding, no levies strong enough. I did everything I was taught to do, took the right classes, led the right groups, tithed... served, and yet, God looked at me and said, anguish. Somehow I thought that it would be a temporary situation. That the light would come... that I would hear a voice, a direction. I still sit in silence. There seems to be no real path... although I know in my heart, I know that I know that I know, that there has to be one.

There is nothing without Him. There is no hope, there is no love, there is just an inability to get unstuck. I am worn out, worn down and eroded. I have no need for others problems. I have nothing to prop myself up against and therefore nothing to share. I am barely holding my own head above water. Silliness, drama... just wears me out. Be brutally honest, but don't lie. My emotions are untrustable. I don't trust what I feel because all I feel is tired. Other's expect so much more, they "know" that I will be okay. Will be... maybe... but right now, I just hold on for dear life to my husband and my children. Stuff is just stuff... I don't care about any of it. I can either hold onto stuff or I can let it go and grab a hold of God. I choose God. Always.

I long for sun on my face, I shudder at the thought of winter. I hoped all winter that spring would bring salvation, and all spring that summer would bring it. There has been none. The thought of hunkering back down wondering how to keep my soul warm, is just more than I can bear. I trust the salvation of Jesus, I just long for the salvation of my life... that my children won't suffer. That my children will not know of homelessness, or hunger. I wanted my children to have so much more, love so much more, find God so much bigger. Yet, they have had to ride this ride and I hate it for them. I hate how poverty defined my life, I didn't want that for them.

There isn't much left... of myself. I don't long to be bitter, I long to be better, I long to lay in the loving arms of my Father. Yet, my heart hurts. Tears flood my eyes and I just cry out for relief that does not find me. Woman of no preference. Of no regard... He told me I was His favorite... yet I have been left on the curb. I have sat on a shelf and waited...

I will continue to wait.

Lost...

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king. ~JRR Tolkien