Lost love...

I seek God... I lay in total desperation for His fresh breath in my life. I have sought and yet not found refuge in this last year. My marriage is better, but I am lazier. I have been a martyr and I am just too worn down by the whole process to stand up and fight. I feel like a weaking... failure has never been an option but there are days that I know it's only through the grace of God that I have survived.

The pillars of my life have been destroyed in a hurricane like manner. Everything I have used to prop myself up, to evade the storm. Everything I have used to set up a sense of security... I have built it high, to avoid the turmoil of the waves but this is was a tsunami and no matter the height of the strength of pillars when it's God's hand that is destroying there is no safety, no hiding, no levies strong enough. I did everything I was taught to do, took the right classes, led the right groups, tithed... served, and yet, God looked at me and said, anguish. Somehow I thought that it would be a temporary situation. That the light would come... that I would hear a voice, a direction. I still sit in silence. There seems to be no real path... although I know in my heart, I know that I know that I know, that there has to be one.

There is nothing without Him. There is no hope, there is no love, there is just an inability to get unstuck. I am worn out, worn down and eroded. I have no need for others problems. I have nothing to prop myself up against and therefore nothing to share. I am barely holding my own head above water. Silliness, drama... just wears me out. Be brutally honest, but don't lie. My emotions are untrustable. I don't trust what I feel because all I feel is tired. Other's expect so much more, they "know" that I will be okay. Will be... maybe... but right now, I just hold on for dear life to my husband and my children. Stuff is just stuff... I don't care about any of it. I can either hold onto stuff or I can let it go and grab a hold of God. I choose God. Always.

I long for sun on my face, I shudder at the thought of winter. I hoped all winter that spring would bring salvation, and all spring that summer would bring it. There has been none. The thought of hunkering back down wondering how to keep my soul warm, is just more than I can bear. I trust the salvation of Jesus, I just long for the salvation of my life... that my children won't suffer. That my children will not know of homelessness, or hunger. I wanted my children to have so much more, love so much more, find God so much bigger. Yet, they have had to ride this ride and I hate it for them. I hate how poverty defined my life, I didn't want that for them.

There isn't much left... of myself. I don't long to be bitter, I long to be better, I long to lay in the loving arms of my Father. Yet, my heart hurts. Tears flood my eyes and I just cry out for relief that does not find me. Woman of no preference. Of no regard... He told me I was His favorite... yet I have been left on the curb. I have sat on a shelf and waited...

I will continue to wait.