Where Did Momma Go?

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”- Psalm 139:23-24

I remember memorizing that entire Psalm when I went through the second part of my discipleship program at my church. At that point in my life I really had to ask others, my mentors, my friends and others around me to help me because I really had no idea what to even look for. I knew that a lot of people found me abrasive and I know that then I really didn't mind if I was so blunt that I killed you. Boy how the times have changed...or have they.

I believe that Self-Examination is one of the best things a person can do for themselves. I think that when we really look ourselves in the mirror we can see what is really hindering us and holding us back from our full potential. As I have continued on The Way to Jesus, I have found out some pretty ugly things about myself. I have been through the ministry, I have sat through the teachings and still even now, I can actually see the glow of my own light bulb from time to time. There is such a vast difference between knowledge and revelation...I have walked in knowledge for a while, knowledge of the Lord, knowledge of myself. The revelations continue to what spurs me to really change...to really want to make progress.

I didn't used to want anyone to speak into my life. I didn't want anyone pointing out my flaws or showing me my weaknesses. I have found that as I have matured (yeah to like a 5 year old child) that I am beginning to become more teachable. Although I am still very metallic is some areas that with the constant pounding of the issues of my life that I have become more mailable. I trust my authorities, even as I am beginning to flow in different areas I am wanting to acknowledge the authority in that part of my life. Some that have been my front line authorities aren't necessarily right there anymore. It is beginning to change.

I talked to my spiritual mother yesterday, she is so precious to me. As a matter of fact she was the first one to ever use that term "precious" in reference to me. I will never forget that day. Anyway, I had called her a few weeks ago about something. I don't know what she even said but in my head it went something like this. You know that pop when a baby breaks the seal from Momma's breast? That's what I heard, I heard her say to me - "I have fed you and I have been weaning you. You don't get Momma's nipple anymore". It hurt, in a way that I can't describe because it played off of my issues with my own mother, my own abandonment issues, my own rejection issues. But yesterday when I talked to her I got the full picture of what she was doing for me. She has sent an email earlier in the day and signed it MOM. So she was still that spiritual mom...but the truth of it is that there was a new baby on her lap. Not that I had been replaced but much like when my own mother had another child, I had to help. "JL, baby sister needs a diaper, can you get it for me", type stuff. As the baby's big sister, I come off of Momma and then begin to help with baby sister. I play with her, I teach her and I coddle her when she gets hurt. Ohhhhhhhh, now I get it. Not because I was told to or forced to, but out of love, I want to serve my family, I am still a child, but now I have a role, I am no longer a reservoir, now I can pass it through me.

1 Corinthians 13:7, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child."

The fullness of this is that I memorized 1 Corinthians in the first leg of my discipleship class. I have had the knowledge for a long time, however, this week, God has decided to tie it all together for me. I have more mentors now than ever. I am constantly submitting to new mentors in my life. The more I tend to be the mentor, the more mentors that I need to glean off of. The more women that come to me for mentoring the more information that I need from those seasoned mentors. As the Lord moves me into new avenues, I need to submit to the authorities in those areas. There is that light bulb glow again.

Lord, today I come to you and thank you publicly for the people that you have put in my life to mentor me...to teach me in your ways. Lord, I don't know what my future looks like, but what I know is that this is one of the keys of my destiny. I know that as a leader one of the essential things that I need to learn is how to be led. Lord, continue to teach me how to be led by your called authorities in my life. I love you Father, I thank you for your love in me, for your trust in me and your vision of who you created me to be. I give you all the glory and the honor forever. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.