Bleeding...is painful

It is a painful business to get through into the stride of God, it means getting your second wind spiritually. In learning to walk with God there is always the difficulty of getting into His stride; but when we have got into it, the only characteristic that manifests itself is the life of God. The individual man is lost sight of in his personal union with God, and the stride and the power of God alone are manifested. ~Oswald Chambers

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”- Proverbs 19:20-21

Oh I have planned, I have envisioned, dreamed, named and claimed...and even as everything around me is tumbling to the ground I am realizing that God's hand is in mine. I am still shuffling trying to get my step in line with His but nevertheless He is holding my hand. It's almost like he is walking me through a nuclear fallout site. All of the strongholds I have built, the lies I have believed and made foundations to the definition of myself.

How loving a God that will tear you down to the base, that he doesn't leave an ounce of cancer, of hurt of pain. He takes it all. One brick at a time. If we would only be willing to do what He has asked us to do. I would like to say that there isn't much left. But that would be a lie. There is a lot left. There is still pride, there are still childhood dreams, there are still wants and desires that stem from my flesh and not from Him. There are still things that I use to comfort myself, when I hit the really hard places. There are methods that I have used before that are an option now. The only place I want to be is in the arms of Christ, yet most of the time I find myself hunkered down holding in bitter thoughts and trying not to spew.

I am trying to learn to find my voice that can carry on a conversation. I am good to tap out my pain here, it's when it's in a conversation that I tend to get quiet. I can throw down in a fight, but I would really love to get to the point that I can express my hurts or anger without hurting the other person, but yet express it in a way that I don't just hold it all inside and try to put on the pretty face so that everything appears ok on the outside but I am vomiting on the inside.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. - Psalm 51:17

Lord, I know that I am not going to do this perfect. I know that perfection isn't what you expect out of me in this moment. Father, all I can do is come to you and ask you to please be my comfort. Teach me what I can and can't do, make it so obvious that I don't mess this up. I don't want bitterness, I don't want rejection, I reject both of them in the name of Jesus. I just decide to receive your love and to continue holding your hand. I don't know what I am looking at and I don't know exactly where we are going. I am holding on for dear life Lord. Superglue my hand to yours. There is nothing left for me without you. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.