IF = I Fear

My stomach has been giving me a fit for days.  My anxiety levels are off the charts. I am tempted to be a "mean" girl and certainly tempted to be a "mean" mom.  I don't do change well, even if I have had months to prepare, I am slow to transition.  Wish it wasn't that way. My flesh and my body revolt even as I try to keep my spirit in check.

I have been doing Beth Moore's study on Esther titled "Its Tough Being a Woman". I have to agree with her.  Somedays it just tougher than others.  With just over a week left here in Florida my kids have finally kicked into revolt mode.  Not that they are being bad or crazy, they are just expressing their anxiety and I get that. Honestly, going back to NC does that to all of us.  Are our friends going to want to see us, is it better to just not make contact at all. There are a few that I want to see but as a whole I am pretty much planning to sticking my nose down and doing what needs to get done so that we can move on.  My defenses are already planning an attack and I think that's what is happening to my kids as well.

We were hurt there, all of us, in one way or another.  Everything that we knew, well, is gone. My oldest son, the one thing he was really looking forward to, decided it was easier to not engage.  He is heartbroken, but will do what it takes to get through the process. Me as a Mom, I want to fight his battles for him, but I know that this is his testimony, this is his walk to salvation and I can only silently point him in the right direction.  My middle son, he doesn't appear bothered by the process of going to NC, he is more bothered by the process of leaving Florida.  He in the last 2 weeks has discovered girls.  Don't know that I am prepared for that. One always primping is enough, 2 of them constantly texting and engaging with girls, oh jeez.  My little girl, who well isn't quite so little anymore, she doesn't want to have to say goodbye to her best friend, AGAIN. Did I mention that I too was feeling a little anxious?

My husband sent us all dogtags that contain the Joshua 1:9 verse that we are all declaring right now.  We wear them with pride and keep the verse in the forefront of our minds. Being a military family we are accustomed to acronyms. IF = I Fear. What if. The IFs are out to kill us all. Fear is what pours concrete around our ankles and keeps our minds in confusion. My kids and I have been amazed as we have read the bible especially over the last year how many times God, the Angel of God, and or Jesus start so many statements with "Fear Not". That is the command most given in the Bible.  More than love, more than do this, or don't do that. Fear Not. FEAR NOT.

I do have a lot of fears in this move. It hits on a lot of different levels and a lot of different experiences in my life.  It conjures up moving from Atlanta to Jacksonville in 1999, when I thought we would all die in that car wreck.  It dances all over moving from Jacksonville to Puerto Rico in 1994. Jacksonville to North Carolina in 2002. Saying goodbye is never easy.  Loading up everything and reestablishing yourself somewhere else is hard at best. I am still learning to let my theology trump my experience. So I have to play the worst case scenario game and come to understand that no matter what God is still the answer. That no matter what this looks like God is with me, Jesus is interceding on my behalf- dancing over me even, the Holy Spirit is comforting me even as I kick my feet and try to hold onto to something that really has no significance in the Kingdom only in my little world.

I again find myself singing this song...




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