My Best Attempt to Not Whine...

There are some times that I find myself sitting here on my new red couch (that I so love by the way) and it hits me, JenniLee, darlin', you are in Texas. You are in military housing, you are 18 hours drive from everyone you love and miss. I have struggled a lot with loneliness. Ande's booty belongs to the Army and there are days that I never see him but I know that he has come home because his side of the bed is rumpled. ACU's, combat boots, and gear litter my living room when he is here. He has a designated gear closet but there are a lot of times that he isn't here long enough to even unload it from the truck much less put it away.

I feel isolated, discarded  and frustrated. I listen to stories of home and wonder if I have been gone so long to them that it's no longer a big deal. We have visited 2 churches since we have been here. One was just plain out funky, like you want to go home right afterwards and wash the funk off. The other one, wasn't bad, I cried the whole service. I usually do when the spirit is moving inside of me. I am so desperate for that reconnect. Not that God and I have disconnected but I feel disconnected from the body and have for months. The little church in Florida, those people loved us and supported the kids and I through one of the hardest seasons of our lives. We can't run back there now, as much as we would love to. But we have to find something here, I know it, the kids know it.

The logistics of this new lifestyle leaves me with questions. When you get involved in denominational churches they have this time line, membership requirement, time served policy before you can be in leadership, ministry or teach. You have to learn their system, see their vision, submit to their house rules. I get all that, but not knowing how long we are going to be in this gypsy lifestyle, it makes me gun shy to get overly involved. I know that God will use me where ever we are. I understand that fully. If I never get to hold another teaching position, if I never preach from anywhere but from my kitchen table I tell myself that is enough. To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known and how do you do that when you don't know how long you are going to be in one location? How do you jump in, open up, get involved, then pack up and leave... continuously for the next 15 years? Only God knows what His plan is. There sure are days I wish I had one of those heads up displays. Really, just a forecast.

There are words of prophecy that roam in my thoughts. I am reminded of them often. I chew on them, ponder them and bring them to the Lord's remembrance. I always end up back with Beth Moore's book A Heart Like His.  I relate to David. I love him more and more every time I read this book and get in over my head into 1 & 2 Samuel. I always come back to him when I feel like I am in the desert, when it appears that everyone else is walking in God's will and I am left to hide in the caves. There is blessing in the caves. There are swords and holy bread. There are priests that meet you in your time of your need. But mostly, you grow up and you learn that you can survive "if God". David uses all kinds of words to describe his God. They are all learned through experience. Worship, an uninhibited love of Jesus, only comes when you realize that if not for our Savior we would have nothing at all.

God has been faithful to me. I have had so many desires of my heart deep seeded for a long time. One being the red couch, that God has reminded me that He took note of that and suddenly here it is. There are simpler things, like we couldn't bring our propane tank with us to our grill, Ande was surprised when the man next door came and knocked on our door and had a full one to give us. God has such a amazing way of always showing up. I don't believe in the whole name it and claim it prosperity message but I do believe that just as I know the wishlists of all of my children, that my Pappa knows my wishlist. He got me to Texas, he got me a red couch, and even a gas stove. I just sit in awe when I realize how detailed He is when He blesses us.

So I continue to lay in the dark and ask God for local like-minded friends. For a church home for my family that feeds all of us, where we can be known and loved.  I pray for the seeds I left a long the way, that if they were of God that they will grow deep roots and if they weren't, that they would be scorched by the sun. I have loved many along this road, I just pray for many more to walk beside me. My heart breaks, my Healer shows up with a balm that can only be His love.

Be blessed, then be a blessing. Love always wins.

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