New Series: Porn and the Effects it has on a Family Pt.1

Today, I want to talk about the spouses of porn addicts. This is something that I have been thinking about doing for a long time. I would love to live in a world that would call a spade a spade, I would love to hear the word porn and masturbation come from the pulpit in our local churches. I am adding my voice to the cause.

There is something about competing with other woman for the eyes of your husband. There is an unrestrained anger, there is a deep level of rejection & abandonment. There is a sense of knowing that you are sharing your marriage bed with a woman that you personally can't kill. If my husband was having an affair that I knew about, I would track down the woman and beat her into the ground. You can't do that with porn. There is such a feeling of helplessness.

I remember telling him that my self-esteem wasn't strong enough to deal with this. I couldn't deal with turning the computer on and wondering what I was going to see. What my kids were going to see. I was mad, I was hurt and I had no idea what to do about it.

The first thing I would tell someone, don't take it so personally. I believe that most women internalize this, they use it to define themselves. They become codependent in the fact that there must be something wrong with them if this is what their husband is choosing to do. This is a lie straight out of the pit of hell. I have heard it said that it isn't a wife issue it's a character issue. I don't know that I agree. I do agree that it's not the wife's issue because 99% of the time, his addiction started before he ever met his wife. I tend to believe that it's more of an issue with a race that is set up to fail from the beginning. More on that later.

The second thing I would tell a wife, is get counseling for yourself. Determine your codependency and get some very strong women around you that can talk about the hard issues that you are facing. Talk to your friends, talk to your mentor, talk to your counselor. Find people that will speak the truth of God into your life. This is not a battle that you can win on your own. This is a battle to the death and as women our best allies are our girlfriends. Find people that will stand with you and hold your arms us when you are tired. There is a snake in your bed, just anointing the bed isn't enough, you have to kill the snake and girlfriends bring coffee and muffins to keep you encouraged while you rage the battle.

The third thing, is talk don't nag. Berating anyone is never the way to get them to stop a behavior. Release yourself from being his conscience. Do not attempt to be his accountability partner. There is a part of you that wants to know every detail, but there are some details that you don't need to know. Encourage him to find someone that will hold him accountable. But everytime that accountabilty email comes into your account the pain will resurface even if there is nothing on it. You are going to have to work on forgiveness and seeing him again through God's eyes. That is a tough thing to do when you are hearing all of the gory details. Instead ask encouraging questions. How are you doing with this? What can I do to help you? He can not throw you a life preserver if he is drowning himself. Do not look to him to be able to help you through this or to make it okay with you. That's what God and girlfriends are for. You have the right to tell him your feelings, how it makes you feel to see this or to know this is going on.

The fourth thing, is cancel all of your Victoria Secret catalogs. There are things that we bring into our own homes that are stumbling blocks for our husbands. Catalogs are a huge part of that. I am not saying boycott VS, you can shop in the store, but don't bring things into the house that are obvious eye candy.

Be prepared to have him stumble, then be prepared to have him stumble again. I believe heart and soul that porn is an addiction. I believe that no matter how hard he fights, no matter how much I encourage, that he is still an addict. There are going to be hard days for him, there are going to be hard days for you. Feelings have a way of reemerging when we least expect it. You may have thought that you were walking in forgiveness only to be folding clothes and have the anger over take you again. His urges are the same way. It's a daily battle. I will go as far as to say one worth fighting.

There are a lot of great resources out there. A few that I have used and would encourage you to check out:

Safe Families  -There is a ton of great information on the site for the spouse, web filters, ways to help you protect your children.

XXXChurch -Great blogs that share experience and advise. They also have an accountability software that I personally use on my own computers.

Co-Dependents Anonymous -Great site for finding a support group to work on your own self-esteem and learning to set healthy boundaries in your relationship. They also have a co-dependency quiz that you can take.

Be blessed than be a blessing. God thinks you are beautiful & love always wins.
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Breaking the Silence...

I have been rather quiet and that really just comes from not having much to say. I believe in that Thumper theology, "if you can't say nuffin' nice don't say anyfing at all". I am still struggling to find my place but I have at least gotten off the couch and made some attempts to talk to people other than through my facebook page and yahoo messenger. Baby steps I know.

I have enjoyed the quiet and have taken the opportunity to work on my resume and to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what God has for us but at this point I know that I need to finish my education so I will be beginning to take classes this fall. Hard to believe but I am excited, almost. I think that getting out is my solution to a lot of things.

Life is good. It's simple. We are still overcoming a lot of our financial mess from our corporation and our NC life. That absorbs most of my thoughts and energy at this point.

We love Texas. Nothing compares to jumping on the bike and hitting the Farm to Market roads. I love shopping at the commissary and I even love just hanging out with the new people in our lives. It's definitely a new culture for me. We have been out of the active duty lifestyle for a long time. It's a challenge but one that we enjoy.

We are good, can't really complain about anything. I do need to start writing again. I am currently reading The Pilgrims Progress and I am finding it quite enjoyable. Just a slow paced life with a little Zumba mixed in. I often think of Paul being content both with and without. It is my hearts desire to be content either way.

Be blessed then be a blessing. Love ALWAYS wins.

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What Great Friends I Have...

After my last post one of my besties sent me this. I just thought I would share, I think it's something that we can all use from time to time.

It's Between You and God
by Dr. Kent M. Keith
(Mother Teresa put these up on the wall of her children's home in Calcutta, which is why this is sometimes attributed to her)

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.


Which reminded me of this song:




Be blessed then be a blessing. Love always wins!!
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My Best Attempt to Not Whine...

There are some times that I find myself sitting here on my new red couch (that I so love by the way) and it hits me, JenniLee, darlin', you are in Texas. You are in military housing, you are 18 hours drive from everyone you love and miss. I have struggled a lot with loneliness. Ande's booty belongs to the Army and there are days that I never see him but I know that he has come home because his side of the bed is rumpled. ACU's, combat boots, and gear litter my living room when he is here. He has a designated gear closet but there are a lot of times that he isn't here long enough to even unload it from the truck much less put it away.

I feel isolated, discarded  and frustrated. I listen to stories of home and wonder if I have been gone so long to them that it's no longer a big deal. We have visited 2 churches since we have been here. One was just plain out funky, like you want to go home right afterwards and wash the funk off. The other one, wasn't bad, I cried the whole service. I usually do when the spirit is moving inside of me. I am so desperate for that reconnect. Not that God and I have disconnected but I feel disconnected from the body and have for months. The little church in Florida, those people loved us and supported the kids and I through one of the hardest seasons of our lives. We can't run back there now, as much as we would love to. But we have to find something here, I know it, the kids know it.

The logistics of this new lifestyle leaves me with questions. When you get involved in denominational churches they have this time line, membership requirement, time served policy before you can be in leadership, ministry or teach. You have to learn their system, see their vision, submit to their house rules. I get all that, but not knowing how long we are going to be in this gypsy lifestyle, it makes me gun shy to get overly involved. I know that God will use me where ever we are. I understand that fully. If I never get to hold another teaching position, if I never preach from anywhere but from my kitchen table I tell myself that is enough. To be known is to be loved and to be loved is to be known and how do you do that when you don't know how long you are going to be in one location? How do you jump in, open up, get involved, then pack up and leave... continuously for the next 15 years? Only God knows what His plan is. There sure are days I wish I had one of those heads up displays. Really, just a forecast.

There are words of prophecy that roam in my thoughts. I am reminded of them often. I chew on them, ponder them and bring them to the Lord's remembrance. I always end up back with Beth Moore's book A Heart Like His.  I relate to David. I love him more and more every time I read this book and get in over my head into 1 & 2 Samuel. I always come back to him when I feel like I am in the desert, when it appears that everyone else is walking in God's will and I am left to hide in the caves. There is blessing in the caves. There are swords and holy bread. There are priests that meet you in your time of your need. But mostly, you grow up and you learn that you can survive "if God". David uses all kinds of words to describe his God. They are all learned through experience. Worship, an uninhibited love of Jesus, only comes when you realize that if not for our Savior we would have nothing at all.

God has been faithful to me. I have had so many desires of my heart deep seeded for a long time. One being the red couch, that God has reminded me that He took note of that and suddenly here it is. There are simpler things, like we couldn't bring our propane tank with us to our grill, Ande was surprised when the man next door came and knocked on our door and had a full one to give us. God has such a amazing way of always showing up. I don't believe in the whole name it and claim it prosperity message but I do believe that just as I know the wishlists of all of my children, that my Pappa knows my wishlist. He got me to Texas, he got me a red couch, and even a gas stove. I just sit in awe when I realize how detailed He is when He blesses us.

So I continue to lay in the dark and ask God for local like-minded friends. For a church home for my family that feeds all of us, where we can be known and loved.  I pray for the seeds I left a long the way, that if they were of God that they will grow deep roots and if they weren't, that they would be scorched by the sun. I have loved many along this road, I just pray for many more to walk beside me. My heart breaks, my Healer shows up with a balm that can only be His love.

Be blessed, then be a blessing. Love always wins.

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Pink Elephants in Marriage... faking or taking it by the Tusk.

So often in our society marriages come and go faster than a Texas rain storm. As a woman about to celebrate 16 years of marriage I was disheartened to read that the Gore's marriage was splitting after almost 40 years. As I was reading this article, Evangelical: 'Separation' for Married Couples Can be a Good Thing, I was elated to read what Focus on the Family had to say about marriages. This one in particular.

So often our churches want people to put on fake faces and pretend that there aren't issues in marriages. I know that my husband and I have walked in that path and then when crisis finally hits everyone is so shocked by the truth they don't know how to react. How many couples suffer in silence about the pink elephants that live in their living room. We may not even know what is wrong but we know that our marriage isn't what we expect it to be, maybe it isn't meeting our needs, maybe our expectations are too much for one another. What I know is that there are a lot of lonely married people out there.

We are bombarded with what sex should look like and how often we should be "doing it". I am going to go out on a limb here and say that our contemporary media outlets and the accessibility of pornography set  marriages up to fail before they ever begin. Pornography requires nothing out of the person that is watching it, there is no trash to carry out, there is no responsibility to love and care for the fantasy. It can easily be picked up and set down and it has bred generations that want instant gratification without responsibility. I was talking to a man the other day, he told me that he and his wife hadn't had sex in months. That she wasn't into toys and stuff. I looked him square in the eye and told him maybe all she wants is you. Just moments before I had overheard him talking about the best porn sites and how he erases the history as a habit every time he gets off the computer. The bad part is that he was talking to a single woman who was throwing more sites at him.  When single woman share the same interest, and the wife is wanting responsibility and a relationship is it any wonder that affairs are so rampant? Then the man invited me to his church.

I have often thought that marriages and sex should be talked about in church. Men should be able to come clean, women should be able to come clean. We hide all of these feelings of insecurity when we walk into the church. We put on a pretty face, we sing, we clap, we take notes of the sermon and then we leave with the pink elephant sticking out of the back of our SUVs.

So how do we get rid of the elephants? We eat them, one bite at a time. Marriages are a precious and sacred union that God gave us as his first gift to man. Marriage is the toughest kind of love there is. There is no greater reward than looking at my husband after 16 years and knowing that we went to the pit of hell so many times but that we have a God of reconciliation and restitution that has destroyed everything we built up as an idol in our marriage. He tore us back down to our foundation. Are we going to get it perfect from this day forward? Probably not. But the greatest lesson that God has taught me is that there is no one else I want to share this adventure with than the man that God gave me in my youth. Has he broken my heart, absolutely, and I have his. Our union is so much stronger now, after learning to set aside our insecurities and talking to one another about our deepest fears and most unreal expectations of one another.

I love marriages. I love talking about marriages. If you ever meet me in real life it's probably the first question I will ask you. I honestly believe it's a question that needs to be asked. How is your marriage? I grew sick of the elephant in my living room. I didn't know what to do about it. I prayed for relief and was surprised in the way that God showed up and gave me a fork and knife. There is no way to eat an elephant by yourself. You need God's help and the cooperation of your spouse. It's worth the fight. It's worth the time at the altar, the prayers, the tears. Whether your elephant is sexual, financial, spiritual, or any combination thereof. Don't give up, don't give in. Eat it roasted, grilled, sauteed. Take a bite out of it today!!

Be blessed then be a blessing. Love always wins, give it a chance.
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