I laid in bed tonight for an hour hoping to doze off. It didn't happen so I snuck back out to to grab a few minutes with my thoughts. What I found was so much more...
After Obedience - What?
“
And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side… ." ” Mark 6:45-52
We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end.
What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.
God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end.
God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.
It amazes me how God finds me. How he seeks my heart. One year ago today, I was on a plane to Managua, Nicaragua. I did not yet know of the storm that was raging in my family. Here I find myself one year later, a whole different woman.
I used to have a desire to be something, someone, to have my name in lights, or at least on the cover. I dreamed of suburbia, with 3.5 kids, and a Volvo station wagon. My like last year looked very much like that. Now, I look around, and none of that matters anymore. I have become a woman without preferences. I have become a woman, that wants to please the heart of God. I want to trust him with no goals, no destination, no future plans.
I have been pushing myself lately to limits, to extremes some would say. Physically and mentally I have learned I have endurance, and stamina that I didn't know I posessed. I look around at my life and realize that I am at the point in the work out that it burns like hell... but you keep walking. You keep walking until you realize that something besides the pain has occupied your mind and you have covered ground that you can't recall.
God has cut all the roots in my life. The things that bound me to things, to people, places, posessions. My husband, my children, those he gives me for a season. I love them with all my heart but God is my focus. I want God's heart. I want my mere act of life be worship to Him. I want to love those He sets in front of me for now, without taking ownership. I want to love them with His arms. Where ever I end up, that is my heart. Where ever this road rambles to, it is my heart to get closer to my Savior. I long for Him with an unending thirst.
Do you know why God won't leave us in our slop? He is jealous for our attention.
When Moses when to the mount to meet with God, when Moses returned they had melted gold to make a cow, a golden "sacred" cow. People will worship something and if they don't have God, the Risen King, the Creator, they will find whatever they can to fill that void. It doesn't have to be a long time, we the created have a short attention span. If God isn't doing what we think He should when we think He should how quick we are to find our new idol... food, drugs, sex, popularity, pride... we even take our God given talents and set them ahead of God Himself.
I am approaching the 1 year since my world blew up anniversary. Only now am I seeing my passive aggressive, rebellious reactions. Only now, that I have begun to get my feet again beneath me has God again began to put his finger on those places that we are going to have to work on. There is still a river of rage and anger below the surface that can hide itself, that has submitted to the spirit of self-control and only allows itself to be stired from time to time. I believe that God is ready to redirect that river... I believe that it's time to break the dam.
I identified the anger months ago, I confessed it to God. There are times of righteous anger, anger that keeps you from repeating mistakes, anger that motivates you to change. I believe that God has allowed my anger to do those things. He used it in a sense to hedge me in. I also think that it's time to come out from behind the barrier, and establish new boundaries. Am I ready to be all encompassed again, I don't think so. But I am ready to grab His hand and allow Him to show me the newness that He wants to share.
It used to be I never traveled without my Bible, because I was reading it all of the time. Today, I had to dust it off. It's almost as though He has allowed me this time to pitch my fits, to try and replace Him with everything I could think of. It's as though He has been watching my every move waiting for me to see Him standing there. Arms crossed tapping His foot... You want food, you can have as much as you want... but does it calm the storm? You want shopping, fine buy as many shoes as you can fit in your closet, how is that storm now? You want to complain and mock, slander, go for it... Your mouth will be your guide down this river of anger, where do you want to go?
Lord, the only place I want to go, is to where you are. No where else, no one else, nothing else, can calm the storm of your love in my life. Thank you for being a jealous God, the seeks nothing but my heart and my life. I am reminded of that sign today Lord. Growth is the sign of Life. Thank you for fertilizing my life... to give me the chance to grow closer to you. Praise you Father. I love you.
Until you have lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is. -Margaret Mitchell
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1
I had been feeling so unproductive. I kept thinking that I was sitting on the bench just watching everyone else, until I realized, that I truly didn't need to be apart of the hussle. There is no one that I am striving to impress. I am comfortable in my own skin. Ande last night said I was more beautiful now than ever, more confident than ever, and that in 15 years of marriage this is his favorite me. What is that? Why is that?
I truly believe, that I have been unburdened of a yoke of slavery. I have learned to say no so that I can fully say yes. I used to say yes because that's what was expected of me. This week, I said a rather large no. But the things that I said yes to, what a beautiful site they were. If you aren't careful, everyone's crisis becomes your driving force. I don't need a driving force, I need a quiet day with my beautiful little girl, listening to some encouraging music. I need a day baking in the kitchen, just because I want to and not waiting for a birthday or an event to have a reason to do that which I love.
I had allowed myself to be put on this fast track to ministry... I was the one you called when you needed a system built, or to know that something would be handled down to the most minute detail. I could get it done and add glitter and sparkle. I got a lot of phone calls. I headed a lot of projects. I built a lot of systems. I was too busy, to be a good wife, or an attentive mother. My priorities are so much different now.
Now when the phone rings, those who used to expect me to pick up the ball and run with it are shocked when I say no. I saw somewhere that maturity is the need to not explain yourself. I don't have to give anyone a reason for a yes or a no. There is no obligation. When I learned to say no, I could look at my little girl and say yes. Yes, at this moment in time, this quiet afternoon, you are more important than anyone else in the world. Yes, I value our time together, and I don't have to run off to save the world in order to feel like I am accomplishing something.
Thank you Lord, for letting me fight through the nothingness of this life, to find your true passion for me. I give everything that I am for you... and I enjoy every moment of your breath in my lungs. I continue to move closer to the purity of you.
You give yourself and take away the barriers... I love you.
Renovating a farm, maintaining a home, adding 2 extra kids to the mix, planning a yard sale, and prepping 2 boys for camp. Not to mention trying to exercise, and spend some similiance of time with my family that isn't work related. We have a family wedding this month, my daughter is in it which just creates it's own list of things that need to be done and bought. Hotel reservations to make, deciding if we wanted to add an extra night to spend a day at the beach. The chaos never really gets managable but somehow we have all made it through. This morning, I sit in an empty house, save the 2 dogs. Over the dehydrator (making jerky for camp), I can hear the birds singing outside and the tapping of my keys. Ah BLISS. Carole King is serenating me... ah, home.
The farm is coming along, we spend 4th of July out there. Goal is Labor Day move. My oldest son starts highschool this year and I really want to be settled in one place by the time he and I have to conquer biology and algebra. We are both very excited, although for Mom there is a twenge of sadness. High school? Really? Of course, it seems like I myself was just a student, but that was close to 20 years ago. He's growing up. There are days I just long for his little bowl hair cuts and the nonstop story telling. But there are days that I enjoy sitting with him and talking about music. He loves grilling me about old rock. Someone has to educate him on Led Zeppelin, Heart, and Lynryd Skynryd.
My newest music exploration has come in Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong and Frank Sinatra. They just make me happy. Makes me want to collect antiques and bake bread. Somehow it just makes your life seem movieesk. Dancing in the rain, or your pajamas really seems to be ok when they are singing in your living room. My little girl has gotten an ear for it too. The best part of Ella, she is always telling a story, with a sax in the background. Etta Jones is wiggling her way in my heart.
I guess I am just tired of living in the box. My huge revelation this week, I am comfortable in my own skin. Even if it is a little pudgier than I would prefer. I am happier than I have ever been. I love my life. It's busy, it's chaotic, but, it's mine. It's beautiful to watch my kids, to look at them and carry on conversations with them. My husband and I are enjoying a new level of intimacy, we have grown up a lot in the last year. Fifteen years of practice to get right here.
The funnest part of my life right now? Getting ready for the yard sale. There is so much stuff that I have kept just to appease others around me. Ha! Not now. I am going from an 1800 sq ft ranch with a full basement, to a 900 sq ft house. There must be love or it must be sold. Ande came home yesterday and was looking through my boxes of stuff I had pulled for the sale. We have come to the agreement that I get to decorate the farm house. He and I don't see country the same way. I have explained to him, that I know this is the house he grew up in. But I have to make it my own home. There are renovations, there are paint colors, there are things that I want to do. It will not look the same. My taste is different than his folks, I just want to update it. He understands and has resigned himself to getting to decorate the barn. So he would ask, This?. Yeap. I thought you liked that. Nope. Never did. I haven't truly decorated a home since 1998. Since then it's just been too much with the kids. I have tried in this house. I have painted and pulled carpet but it just never got finished. I don't want the farm to be like that. Not that I ever expect the decorating to be finished, I want it to be organic, I want it to have life of it's own.
God and I have spent a lot of time talking about the body of Christ. Where I fit in. What my role is. Right now, God has just released me to be a mother, and a wife... oh, and Aunt Jen. There is no pressure to be up to my eye balls in lexical greek, there is just a breeze through the back screen door to remind me that He is with me. There is a peaceful feeling. No striving, just breathing deeply. Loving every minute as it comes. Not getting wrapped up in the demands of the world. Just doing what I do, and loving Jesus for this season in my life. I don't have to commader every crisis that hits close to me. I can pray for them, maybe bake them something... and let them find their way to Jesus. What a great relief.
