Beauty from this Pain

Psalm 86 The Message
Bend an ear, God; answer me. I'm one miserable wretch! Keep me safe—haven't I lived a good life? Help your servant—I'm depending on you! You're my God; have mercy on me. I count on you from morning to night. Give your servant a happy life; I put myself in your hands! You're well-known as good and forgiving, bighearted to all who ask for help. Pay attention, God, to my prayer; bend down and listen to my cry for help. Every time I'm in trouble I call on you, confident that you'll answer. There's no one quite like you among the gods, O Lord, and nothing to compare with your works. All the nations you made are on their way, ready to give honor to you, O Lord, Ready to put your beauty on display, parading your greatness, And the great things you do— God, you're the one, there's no one but you! Train me, God, to walk straight; then I'll follow your true path. Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear. From the bottom of my heart I thank you, dear Lord; I've never kept secret what you're up to. You've always been great toward me—what love! You snatched me from the brink of disaster! God, these bullies have reared their heads! A gang of thugs is after me— and they don't care a thing about you. But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit. So look me in the eye and show kindness, give your servant the strength to go on, save your dear, dear child! Make a show of how much you love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed, As you, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet.

The Lord is so full of love, our Pastor this weekend was teaching on perspective and I really know that perspective can make or break a situation. Right now to look at my reality...which is so different from the truth...you would think that God's hand is not with me. However, I know that He is here. I know that He loves me enough everyday to grow me up.

Over the last few months the Lord has been teaching me what I have used as crutches to help me on my road to spiritual growth. The rituals, the safety nets, the people. He is walking me through a season right now, that feels very familiar. This time though I want to hear his voice all the way through the storm. This time I want His opinion. This time I don't want to lean to my own understanding. I don't want to pacify myself. Oh I do beleive me, I want to cry, I want to whine I want the whole world to know of my hurt. God is developing a heart of David within me. He has me in the refiners fire and is moment by moment cleansing me.

I know that I am not the only one feeling the heat of His fire. I know that I have friends that also are walking in these places. I have sisters in the faith, brothers in the faith that are also struggling to move forward. It's constant prayer, it's asking for help, it's being honest that is going to get my family through this time. Laying down our pride, and crying out for help, to the God who knows where we are, who knows our needs, who knows our anxieties, our thoughts, who can feel our depression and our fear.

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Right now all I have is my faith and my trust in the Lord. There is no comfort that my husband, my children, my family, my friends can provide. There is very little than any can do but God Himself. Shopping, anti anxiety meds, anti depressants, vacations, the things that have worked for me in the past aren't options now. This is a minute by minute sacrifice and burning of self that God is requiring. It seems that I have been here for the last few months, all of it seems like stepping stones, like one leads to another. I am reminded of a dream I had at my Women's Encounter in February. I was walking along a wooded path and along the way the Lord was handing me wrapped packages...gifts. I feel like that is what I am doing every day. Walking this path...Walking in His Ways....and as I get to a certain point there is an exchange. I give up another part of my flesh, another god, another crutch and as I do that, the Lord hands me something more beautiful, something that brings more peace, something that more than restores the whole left.

The pain comes from not wanting to do the transaction. The pain comes from holding on to what God is trying to pry out of my fingers. I remember doing that with my middle son, buying him a new blanket to replace his crib quilt that he carried for 9 years. It took some time, it was his night night, he had slept with it every night of his life. It took some conversation, but he had to be willing to give it up to get the new, big boy blanket. That is what God is doing to me right now. He is taking something that has been my comfort, that others have used to define me, we used to laughingly call my son Linus, and has a more mature version to give me.

2 Corinthians 3:18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

Lord, I need you, you are here. I know that you are. Lord, give me grace through this season. Lord, I pray for my children, heal their hearts Lord. Heal my heart, and his Lord. Lord I pray for my family this morning. Lord, I know your hand, I know your love, I pray for them this morning that you would encourage them and cover them with your love this morning. I cling to you Lord. I cling to you with everything that I have. Lord, it hurts, Daddy I am scared, I am anxious, but Lord I bring those emotions to you and say that I trust you. There is nothing else that I can do. I continue to walk this path. I praise you, I love you and I give you my life and my family. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.