Covered, Smoothered and Chopped

Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.


Do you ever feel like you missed it? Like the right train went by and you were busy, maybe disobedient, maybe distracted but the train is gone and you look around and you life looks nothing like it was supposed to look. Nothing like the fairy tales you dreamt of as a child?

This morning I am trying to remember that God's will and plan for me is probably very different than I ever envisioned for myself. That my little girl dreams were just that...little girl dreams. If I were honest, I'd tell you that in my little girl visions of myself I was never a homeschool mom, I wasn't a bookkeeper, I wasn't struggling. My life just didn't turn out the way that I imagined that it would. Of course white horses and knights...well that part is close....but the ivory tower from which I look out isn't what I imagined at all.

I have a proclivity for the beach. I always pictured this large white house on the beach, with a crow's nest office. Miles of ocean before me as I poured my heart out on a keyboard. Windows open, in my little studio office. Flowing in white cotton, and with bare feet tucked up underneath myself. Coffee at my side. Even sitting here I can smell the salt in the air and feel the cool breeze. So how did I get from there to a table for 8, in a ranch style home, in the mountains? It has to be God, it has to be his will for me. I guess this morning I am just struggling to get it all to come together and to understand how you look up at 35 years into your life and wonder how you got here. Almost like I have been asleep for a while and you sit up in a panic wondering where you are.

I told Ande this morning, it's not that I don't like my life. I am very content with my life. I do feel a bit caged, I feel a bit smothered but not in a bad way. Hence Psalm 139...the verse that reminds me....You hem me in...for my own protection. As if I were a bird that got caught up in a storm and got put into a cage to be nursed back to health. God has hemmed me in to nurse me back to health so that when he allows me to fly that I will be healthy and whole. I will be able to stay on course...then my mind wonders...what if this is it? What if I spend the rest of my life sitting here on this perch looking out and watching others? If that is God's will for me...I will accept it. I will say "Yes, Sir". I just feel this great since of mourning. This great and deep sense of letting that little girl down, and almost as if she is dying. I have a little girl of my own now...she has her own dreams. She has her own plans for her life. God I implore you to allow me to set her up to chase those dreams, head first into the wind.

Father, I come to you this morning. I don't know what to do with these feelings, I don't know if they are an indicator, or if I am just having a pity party. Lord, only you can search me and know the truth. I have nothing to offer but myself. Lord, teach me to open my hands and allow you to take all that I hold on to so dearly. I have chosen to follow you, you didn't tell me what it would look like, but You didn't show Abraham, you didn't show the Apostles, it takes a blind faith, a sense of allowing whatever you choose in order to be submitted. I understand that...I am just realizing...what it costs to follow you. Peter dreamt of being a fisherman, Paul dreamt of being a Pharisee, Abraham dreamt of being a childless man. Lord, let me will be willing to submit to your will. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.