Summer and Daddys...

Ok, remember all that complaining I did about winter. I promise you I am reveling in summer. Every moment. I am browner than I have been in years. Peace has found me pool side. I just love this time of year... the food of summer, the laughs of the kids in the summer. Swimming. There is nothing about summer that I dislike... except maybe bee stings.

I have also spent a lot of time thinking about all my Daddy's...

I have my biological father. We are close, I am and forever will be his little girl. I learned a long time ago that we are as much a like as we are different and that's ok. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me... and that in and of itself is enough. I have come to appreciate him more as so many of my friends lose their Dad's. Off the top of my head I can think of oddles of my friends that don't have their Daddy's anymore and I am blessed. I am proud of my Daddy, he has in the last few months come out of a career that spanned the last 29 years of his life. He walked away from a desk job, to see the world. He is getting to chase an adventure, and I am so delighted for him. Go Daddy! GO!

I have a spiritual father. My biological Daddy isn't saved and has never been able to teach me biblical truths. God sent another wonderful, powerful man to do that for me. He's had a hard time of it health wise lately. I spent some time with him today. It just breaks my heart to see him lie there. His wisdom just oozes out... he doesn't even have to try. He has taught me so much. But the two quotes I will always remember... "Don't worry your pretty little head over it" and "Don't say anything you are going to have to repent for later". He always likes to remind me in times of crisis I have a big enough mess without my mouth adding to it. He always encourages me, always edifies me and I always know, that I am his and he is mine.

My Pappy, I miss that man, Lord, do I miss that man. All of his strength, and dignity. Blue blooded Yankee that he was, with his ruddy red cheeks and his clear blue eyes. Listerine and Old Spice that's what my Pappy was made of. So patient, and loving. Only once in all my years did he EVER raise his voice at me. I deserved it. He was my harbor in the storms of adolesence. His motto was, "I refuse to get upset over anything I have no control over". He gave me great teachings in politics. I am a conservative to this day because of him. He loved me... and always called me Pookie. Always. Even on things he mailed to my house which he did quite often.

My father in law... it's been a long 15 years. But he has fathered me. He has been God's provision more times that I can count. Just this year I went from being Ande's wife - to his daughter in law. He's had a hard life, he sometimes can have a hard heart. But he loves me, I know he does. I love him too, but don't tell him. He will just think I am out to get something. He has already given me everything I could ever need, in his son. He has blessed me. BLESSED me.

I think of the different faucets of men that God has put here on earth to teach me different loves that the Father has for me. I am blessed. I am loved. I am taught and accepted and fathered. I am blessed.

Lord, thank you for all the Daddy's. I love them all. Protect them Lord, lay your hand on them tonight. Give them peace, and rest and comfort. For all the nights they have so willingly done it for me. You are amazing.

Where the girls are...

Well, these past few weeks I have been drying off after my last few months of under water experience. I am standing on the edge of the pool now, chamois in hand drying my legs. My lungs are still a little sore but they feel strong.

I have a friend that is going through a separation from her husband. They are family, thier kids... are 4 and almost 2. My family has agreed that we would help this family. So we have these 2 little kiddos running around our house a lot now. I had forgotten the fun of toddlers and preschoolers... they have been quick to retrain Aunt Jen. Buy they have needed my time and energy so that hasn't left a lot for here. I am here. I am ministering to these little ones and thier Momma when she makes the time and I am just loving summer. We bought a pool for the backyard. Just big enough for the kids to hand out in... 8 foot diameter and just a hair under 3 ft deep. I am the Pool Supervisor and I can't tell you how much fun the kids and I have had in it. The sun had done us good after such a long cold winter.

Ande and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last week. I will have to make the time to write a little something about that... it just won't be today. The kids have had VBS this week so I have had the mornings almost to myself. This morning I have a toddler with me... we just finished watching Winnie the Pooh... reminds me of chaotic days when my 3 were all 4 and under... can't dwell there too long my eyes either twitch or tears up...

What I know is that God is awesome. Faithful... He wants to answer our questions and will put resources in our hands when we cry out for His will... His direction. He has mended some fences and answered prayers so deep I never shared. I am the most content I have ever been... with less stuff and more unknown. I have no idea where the land is that He is going to show me... but I know, that it will be exactly what He wants me to have.

Life... and other thoughts that just consume time.

I went visiting my past this morning. I hate when that happens. It's no longer the shame that consumes me as much as regret. I just wish I had made different decisions. I look back and realize I was so eaten up... with so many ungodly beliefs that I just wallowed in sin. Not that I don't still sin... but now maybe I am more aware, more conscious of my motivators.

I don't regret the things that made me, me. I regret the stupid things that just hurt people. I look back at pictures and don't like the emptiness I see in my eyes. I am thankful for a God, that delivered me from myself.

I am thankful for teachings on reconciliation, and forgiveness. I am thankful for a new definition and a new name for myself. I am thankful for a Savior, and a Redeemer. I am thankful that I am not defined by others opinion of me. I am thankful that only God Himself has the power over my destiny. That He trumps all others. He wins, Love never fails, and His word never returns void. He uses people with a past.

I am humbled that He would choose me. Call my name in the darkness and have the patience for me to crawl out towards Him. Just a slight movement and He came and saved me. He has laid so much love in my heart for others. So much grace, and mercy. Which I never had before. He wants to meet all of us face to face in the tunnels of darkness we hide in. In His eyes, we are all His children. I just find that to be the most awesome thing.

Mended Fences...

1 Peter 5:10 But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

Somedays you just know it's time. Today was one of those days.

In the process of Sit, Walk, Stand... I am walking again. I was laying in bed last night fretting about some things going on in our lives. I just remember saying "God, I trust you", and it was as if the cloud of worry just rolled away.

Paul...thank you Paul, for coffee.

Sometimes when I am really needing encouragement I turn to my friend Paul. Paul is good to teach and to bring to my rememberance my purpose and my destiny. He and I have been enjoying sometime together over coffee this morning. I have missed my friend Paul, and need to remember to invite he and his Father over more often.

I have spents some time in Ephesis, and Corinth this morning and realizing that so many generations have battled the same battles. So many others have fought a good fight. The other night, as I was laying in bed, the thought comes, "You are a bondservant to Christ, he is not your servant to come only when you call Him." I think I have had this a little out of proper perspective. Yes, I have struggled to find a place to belong in the Body of Christ. But Paul was so awesome to remind me this morning that I am still a part of the body. I can still serve through teaching, through administration... here in my own home. I can minister love to those who need it the most. I don't want to be a ministry, I don't want to have a ministry, I want to minister love. I am not always successful.

Lately, I have succumbed to feelings that aren't God like. I have teetered on the edge of morality. I have been defiled by words I have allowed to come into my ears and have defiled others by the words coming out of my own mouth. My mouth, my words are my gift. Always have been.

Ephesians 4:29-32 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

I haven't been reflecting that. Not even close.

I need a good day, with my iPod in my ears filling me with worship music. Watering my soul. Reminding me of the sacrifice of Christ, and grace for me. I need a day with my kids, just splashing in the pool, without the demands of life. I need a good cry, and some tearing out of some roots. I need to quit being the martyr and just live a life worthy of my calling. I love my life, I am not overwhelmed, I am not tired, I am blessed. Abundantly, exponentially... to the ends of the earth... Blessed.

Thank you Lord, for sending Paul to me this morning. Father, for the rememberance that the Old Testament led to the New Covenant... and that You will fulfill the purpose. I love you Lord.

I am a swimmer... I wanted to dance but I swam, I swam until... I realized I was too short to ever be a winner. But in my heart... I am a swimmer. There is something about the caress of the water, and the trust in your own lungs while flying that just appeals to me.

I was at my favorite little bookstore last night and a this magazine cover caught my attention. The artist's name is Eric Zener. There is just something about his work that resonates within my soul. Not that art hasn't spoken to me before but this cover just made me stop and stand there for a minute.

The name of the piece is "The Arrival". Let me try to articulate what my heart feels when I look at it. It's the culmination of climbing high, to the top of the dive board. It's looking out over the pool, knowing that others are watching, because you were taught as an infant to never swim alone. It's knowing that you are about to jump off of a perfectly grounded board... into the depths. It's holding your breath in anticipation. Anxiety dancing between your shoulder blades, the sound of your own heart in your ears. Walking one step, two, three.... bounce, bounce, bounce. Jump! Eyes closed even under the goggles, clouded goggles, you can't see through them anyway. Head first... the coolness of the water encompassed your body... The realization of survival... and a small splash set your mind at ease. Relaxation takes over as your body is pulled to the surface... submission is the only answer.

The piece says to me victory, survival... just below the surface, but yet so close to the end. This is how I feel right now. This is the best way I know to put my emotions into words. Just waiting to break the surface and to be able to open my eyes. To fill my lungs anew. So close...