River of Snot

Psalm 126:5-6, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

I truly believe that tears are God's way of cleansing us. He cleans us through his word and he cleans us through provocation of the Holy Spirit. I am convinced the that road to righteousness crosses a lot of rivers of snot.

There were years in my life when I saw crying as a weakness. A few years back when the medical world wanted to label me with a diagnosis to explain my emotions, I lived in fear that if anyone saw my crying that they would think I was losing it. I did lose it for a time, I lost my love of God, I lost my love of life and I was living running from God. There was a specific moment in time when I remember looking at my family and saying, "There is no God." Yeah, talk about inviting God in to show you what your life would be like without him.

A couple of months ago, I found myself really feeling hard hearted. I was angry at the world, my husband, my children, which really in all honesty is just trying to say that I was disappointed in God. God is good to keep from my memory what I thought was so important at the time, but He is good to remind me of how He met me in that time. I believe a huge testimony to my maturity is that now when I find myself in those places I call upon the great people that God has put in my life. I called one of the prayer warriors of our church, she got with my mentor and it was a warm Saturday morning that they came to my house. I explained what I was feeling. They began to pray with me and for me. One, that I would find rest in the Lord. Two, that I would be reignited by His love. Well I made it through the prayer part, I made it through the afternoon. My husband and my kids were camping, I had the whole house to myself. I remember thinking I should at least do some laundry while everyone was gone. I went down to switch a load and it was almost as if God himself was sitting on top of my dryer.

I started singing to the Lord. It was nothing more than trying to find my joy, it was a sacrifice of praise. I didn't feel like praising, I didn't feel like doing the laundry, but by putting my hand to the plow of the hardness of my heart God himself was able to meet with me. I can tell you that the presence of the Holy Spirit became overwhelming and I found myself sitting on the cold floor of the basement with my head against the front of the dryer. Tears were falling, I was singing, I began to pray aloud to my King. What came pouring out was so deep, it was my deepest fears for anyone to hear. I poured out at the alter all the feelings of resentment and bitterness that had been growing in my life. All the feelings of neglect, not only of my own spirit but of those of my children and my husband around me. I knew that for the past couple of weeks I had thrown one tremendous pity party and it was time to close that chapter and to move on.

An hour and a half I sat there in the glory. Snot flying, tears drenched my shirt. As it was coming to a close, as I was sensing that the river was drying up I remember thinking, I had the whole house to myself. There was no one here and yet God built an alter with me in my basement. At the place that I so grumblingly do laundry and serve my family. Where my duties take place. I remember thinking that odd. Looking back now I know that it was God's divine plan. This site was born out of that night. The whole "cape in the washer". That's how I felt. Like God took me, a dirty little servant girl and made me into Cinderella. As I climbed out of His throne he was quick to show me my place at the banquet table of his love. How good he is to do that.

For the past few weeks since the incident, I don't seem to be able to make it through any church events without crying. I am so in amazement and awe of Him that it overtakes me and the river of snot begins to come back. There are times during the daily duties of my life that I can get my eyes on my circumstances and off of Him. When I can feel overwhelmed, when I can begin to doubt that any change is happening. All I have to do is walk down to the basement and see my dryer. I know that he met me, I know that he touched me, I know that he changed me yet my old habits haven't died. That's what we call walking it out. He can change all He wants to, but just like an inheritance left by family, we have to go pick it up. We have to put forth the energy to make the change within ourselves. Asking for a willingness to be willing Spirit.

1 Peter 2:1, "Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind".

Even Peter knew we had to "rid ourselves". There are a lot of references to doing it for "yourself" in the Holy word. But it is only through Christ Jesus and the love of the Father that we can attempt anything. We do have to do more than show up. We have to be obedient, we have to lay down our preferences, humble ourselves, encourage ourselves. God did the work, it's not about us doing works to earn it. We could never earn it, the price was too high to pay. We have to embrace it. We have to take what the Lord has taught us and apply it to our lives. That's the only way it becomes real. That's the only way that we will see change.

Father God, I thank you for you love, I thank you that even as I am tempted to put on a hat and throw streamers in my pity party that if I take that and turn it to praise as a sacrifice of praise to you that you will meet me. Your cross wasn't easy but you carried it. You drug it through the city for all to see and Lord today I thank you for that. I can't imagine the humiliation, of knowing that you had the ability to strike them all dead but yet you were tormented, mocked and ridiculed. Lord all I have to do it take care of my family, you had to take care of all creation. Every person that has ever walked this earth you have paid for them in full. No partial payments, no credit plan, all at once with your life. Lord, thank you that I don't have to do anything to earn it beside love and obey you. That seems so minute. It seems to simple but yet in my flesh sometimes it seems the hardest task. Lord, thank you that you did the heavy work and then said that you would yoke up with me. You drive this, you make it light just by your mere presence and Lord I again find myself in tears this morning. I am sorry for my selfishness and Lord I pray that you remove my blinders so that I can see things through your eyes and not through my limited vision. Father, I give you all the glory and the praise. For you are good, and your love endures. Forever and ever! In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.