The days leading up to goodbye,,,

The thing about leaving is that you have to say goodbye.  For the past few months there has been a deep grieving going on within myself.  I don't really know how to explain.  I don't know how to tell my friends by, my support system... my church family but it is something that God is requiring of me.  It doesn't get any easier with time.  At this point it is just outright excruiting knowing that I am leaving but dragging out the process.  I have seen this with my military friends...how the service member shuts down and just gets into leave mode.  We used to call it short timers.  That's what I have.... Except that there are obligations that keep bringing me back to that place.  The place that I don't want to go...

It's hard to stand on the outside and watch everyone elses lives go on.  Almost as though you had never been there or been of any consequence. I defined myself by this for so long and now... now... I just have to trust on God and what he has for me.  His new definition.  Even through the pain.  There are some that will remain... but I have had to say goodbye before and I know that there will be few that will stand the test of distance and time.  I learned how to be a friend here.  How to invest in people... how to love without fear.  And now... now I am hurting and battling rejection and abandonment.  Maybe if I hadn't loved with such abandon I would hurt so bad today.  If I hadn't gotten so tender... so close then it wouldn't hurt so bad.  I wouldn't cry so many tears and it wouldn't have to be so painful.  Most days I would say that I wouldn't change a thing... but this is one of those moments of weakness when I wonder.  

Still waiting....

I am sitting in this place that I know that times are changing.  That my tomorrow isn't going to look like my today.  Ande and I have been feeling the shutting of doors and have been grieving for the life that we have created here.  We know it's time to move on, we just don't know that the farm is our answer.

So often when you start feeling the pressure of God you try to put the puzzle pieces together logically.  I think that the farm was a logical choice for us at least economically.  I don't know if you remember the 80's movie "Dirty Dancing" but there is a moment in that movie where Patrick Swayze says to Jennifer Gray's parents "Baby doesn't sit in the corner".  That was the scene that kept going through my mind.  God may still sit me in the corner but at this point I don't think that the farm is what God has for us.  I talked to my friend from middle school who probably knows me better than most.  She told me that I just don't see you chasing chickens.  

We are blessed with options that so many don't have.  I feel so spoiled as I watch others struggle to find options.  We have too many to chose from and too much time to mull them over.  There is change coming.  We are just having to wait for answers, for details.  I am learning patience.  With God, with myself.  Trying to learn to keep stuff to myself.  Some people don't "flow" the way that our family does.  We often make 4-5 sets of plans before we actually make a move.  Some people can't change directions as quickly as we can and for that I apologize.

What we are waiting for is directions.  I just need an exit number.  I don't have to have details beyond that.  I can sit at the gas station and wait for further instruction but I want an exit number to get off this crazy highway.  

My faith is growing, my trust in God and what He has for us.  We are trying to be logical, He is prompting us to just depend on Him.  

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: 

Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Well....

Remember what I said about change???

We are evaluating options before we commit to the farm.  I know that all of you wanted to see me chasing chickens but come on... I mean it could still happen but, it would be a stretch for me.

There is another option that is flying around.  I am not at liberty to say what it is yet... but when I get a confirmation I will let you know.  

In the mean time...have you checked out the rest of my new site??  

If you look to the right there is a link that says "The rest of the story".  There are recipes, and other fun things that I am adding to.  I am finding that I am putting all of my little scribble recipes on there and it is helping me to eliminate clutter in my kitchen.  I will warn you that there isn't any diet recipes on there.  But I am starting to think about it... 

Let me know what you think... 

Change...

For those of you that don't do well with change...I am so sorry.  Sometimes I just into things with both feet just to be moved with the current into a different direction.  I am cleaning up around this place and trying to be a little better organized.  So please pardon my dust as I make a few changes.  

The first noticable change is that I know am the proud owner of www.justjennilee.com - there are a few advantages to that.  #1 I can add as much information to the site as I would choose.  I am working on some stuff behind the scenes that you might get to get your eyes on in the next few days.  It depends on how much time we spend at the farm this weekend prepping for the move.  #2 it makes it easier for you to find me.  Isn't that just the coolest thing ever???  I know I am a dork but I get amused by the small things in life.  Like dogs, and fires and really really good cookies.

Speaking of cookies I made some of Ms. Cheryl's cookies last night, now quit your bellyachin' that the link isn't there, I know it isn't - but those are hands down the best cookies I have ever had the pleasure of putting in my mouth.  Doncha worry yer perty little head the recipe will be back up soon and you can have all the cookies you can bake.

As mentioned we are heading to the farm this weekend.  So expect some new pictures and adventures.  I am just hoping to get the house ready to paint.  My goal for the weekend is to get the bedrooms and the living room emptied so that there are no more drawers to cause me issues and that so I can start painting.  Painting is meditative for me.  It makes no sense, but there is something about my mp3 player and paint fumes that just makes me happy.  Don't call me crazy - odd maybe but hey we all have our thing.

So you all be patient with me.  I have sat here for over 6 hours today trying to get this thing up and running.  I just didn't get it all the way but it is close.  So enjoy your weekend... stay out of trouble and I will be backer faster than you can sing "Tommorrow" from Annie.

Wednesday...my favorite day of the week.

Sorry I have been rather quiet this week.  That is what happens when you have a house full of sick kids & get on your "it's the first of the year - let's right all of the wrongs in the world" kick.  So one of the things that I am trying to do is to step away from my laptop a little more often.  Nothing crazy...believe me I wouldn't survive but more often than I have been for the last few months.  So here is what I have accomplished today...

I have made banana bread with 3 over ripe bananas that I found buried under the stack of chip bags in the basket by my fridge.  Nice save for the bananas who were on their way into the trash when I remembered the new me.  Reduce, Reuse, Recycle...  ok I reduced the amount of trash by using those bananas to make a super simple recipe banana recipe.  It's good...especially warm with butter.

I made my sourdough starter today.  It's easy I got the recipe for the starter and the bread from a book written by the lady that cooked for Johnny & June.  I figured if it was good enough for them it was good enough for me.  I will post the recipe in a seperate post.

I have found my counters and my dining room table.  All of those items that just seemed to be hovering at waist level were really resting on my table and my kitchen island.    All of the candies and cookies that everyone brought for the holidays were condensed and organized for optimum snacking performance. The counters were cleaned, the old mail was put into the burn bin.  

For those of you that know me intimately, you know that I am a "delegator" not a "doer".  I did... my kids and Ande as my witnesses...I did dishes today.  By hand.  I have the chips in my fingernail polish to prove it.  I did it, now I remember what dish pan hands are.  But all of those things that just sort of sat around waiting for someone to wash... Like the vase with the flowers from the Nutcracker... and the tea kettle were all washed today by my own hands.  I let the kids have the day off.  Well, they were doing school so not really off but it was a chore free day.  Told you I was feeling like righting all of the wrongs in the world.

I did some laundry and emptied a bunch of baskets of clean clothes that multiplied like rabbits. I didn't realize how many of these baskets I had floating around until my family stacked (yes, I said STACKED) them all on my side of the bed.  For the past 2 nights I have literally had to be a contortionist to get into my bed.  Not tonight by golly.  I will be able to walk right up and kick my shoes off and begin a new pile.  

The other thing I did... I had my barn painted.  Yeah, not the one on the farm.  I remember the first time I heard someone refer to coloring their hair as painting the barn I thought I would laugh till I wet my pants.  Now it is my official line.  So my barn is now brown with no gray weathering showing.  I also had the caterpillar growing above my eyes pruned.  My eyebrows had taken on a life of their own.  So I now am colored and waxed and ready for the new year. 

I feel accomplished.  I had a productive day... the first one really since the rats.  I take a little longer than most to recover from stress.  *haha* So I have officially kicked lazybuttitis out and have moved in, "I do not have to be an overachiever but I should at least be able to tell you the color of my counter tops".  

Just a little update on Zoe and her potty habits... she has successfully pooed outside countless times this week.  We are so proud of her.  She still is known to have an accident but for the most part she is being the angel we know and love.  What we do know is that lotsa garlic is not good for her.  It will induce accidents.  In the middle of the night.  With the smell of garlic poo more than I can bear at 2am.  But that's another post.

Ecclesiates 9:10, "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might."

Thank you Jesus...for another day to serve the ones I love. In your name I pray.  Amen.