The thing about leaving is that you have to say goodbye. For the past few months there has been a deep grieving going on within myself. I don't really know how to explain. I don't know how to tell my friends by, my support system... my church family but it is something that God is requiring of me. It doesn't get any easier with time. At this point it is just outright excruiting knowing that I am leaving but dragging out the process. I have seen this with my military friends...how the service member shuts down and just gets into leave mode. We used to call it short timers. That's what I have.... Except that there are obligations that keep bringing me back to that place. The place that I don't want to go...
It's hard to stand on the outside and watch everyone elses lives go on. Almost as though you had never been there or been of any consequence. I defined myself by this for so long and now... now... I just have to trust on God and what he has for me. His new definition. Even through the pain. There are some that will remain... but I have had to say goodbye before and I know that there will be few that will stand the test of distance and time. I learned how to be a friend here. How to invest in people... how to love without fear. And now... now I am hurting and battling rejection and abandonment. Maybe if I hadn't loved with such abandon I would hurt so bad today. If I hadn't gotten so tender... so close then it wouldn't hurt so bad. I wouldn't cry so many tears and it wouldn't have to be so painful. Most days I would say that I wouldn't change a thing... but this is one of those moments of weakness when I wonder.
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