New Hat

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”- 1 John 3:18

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." - Romans 1:16

For years I have had different hats for every where I entered. Church, well there is my teacher/preacher hat, home there is my wife hat, my mother hat, my time of the month hat. When I would go to my parents there was a certain hat. Everywhere I went there was a certain "mindset" or there were certain "expectations" of myself either self-induced (which it is 99% of the time) or others induced. Throughout the past few days I really feel like God has been showing me what true freedom looks like.

James 1:6-8, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

I have prayed to be single-minded. God-minded. In all things at all times. Whether I am with my family, my friends , or at my church house. However, when I would walk in certain doors, all of that faith, all of myself, all of the blessings that God has so graciously poured out at my feet would go out the window and I would again find myself wearing the hat. I would pick up right where I left off, despite the fact that God had and continues to change me.

This week has been a time of great revelation in my life of how I would wear the hats out of fear. If I act a certain way they will accept me. There is my fear of rejection screaming for attention again. As I continue to seek God's face to see all that I am really free from the fears that I have carried are coming to the surface more and more. They started out as simple things, I am no longer afraid to drive behind a trailer, I am not afraid of rats. As I have really prayed about it...as I have started talking to my husband I have realized that my fears were much more deep seeded than just the obvious. I was still afraid that my marriage would fall apart. I was afraid that something I had shared with my Pastor and his wife a few years ago would disqualify me in their eyes. If I don't go to Bible College, I don't have enough qualifications to be in the ministry. I am no longer afraid that I am going to end up in what my parents called "the poor house".

I have talked to quite a few people this week about the revelation of my fears. They all, including my Pastor, were all quite shocked that I was gripped by fear. Everyone has said that I hid it very well. I had entire routines that I would perform to quiet the fears. My husband knew I had certain things that I would do in cycles, but he was only beginning to realize that they were motivated by fear. He would go out of town, I would shop. I had to speak in front of people for the first time, I would have to have a new outfit. If I was anxious, I "needed" a pedicure. If I had to face something life changing I wanted the safety of my husbands arms and the fullness that only he can give me.

Today however, I am all done. Today I am free. Today I don't live in fear. How did I do it? I was finally convinced of God's great love and protection of me. Are there still going to be times that I hiccup in my faith. I am sure. I am sure that this will still be an on going decision and an ongoing process. I by no means feel like I have arrived at glory. But I am trading in all my hats. I think of myself now, in just one hat, probably something that looks like what the Cat wears in all of the Dr. Seuss books.

Dear Lord, I thank you for your revelation in my life. I love and honor you for being so forthcoming in the things that you are wanting to free me from. I thank you for the Cross, I thank you for making a timid little girl brave. Praise you Lord, Lord please continue to use me even as you are leading me down this path.