Collateral Damage

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 The Message

Oh how I needed that this morning. For the past few days I have really been dealing with some intense feelings of hurt. Someone broke my trust, in the deepest pit of myself I have been shut down for almost a week now. I have allowed Satan yet again to add to my shame, to my definition of myself and this morning as I read that passage I feel freer. There are so many things that I can appreciate about the situation but my heart stopped and had operated in malfunction for a week.

I am reading a book for my upcoming class and it was describing the difference between malfunction and dysfunction. Malfunction is the printer only printed half a page, dysfunction is that something is caught in the runner and it won't do anything. Often time I know that I take a malfunction and because of my upbringing resort to dysfunctional mindset. It's all or nothing. There is no room for compromise or even a slight stumble without it wanting me to call the whole thing off and running. Much like a turtle in those instances, I either walk very slowly or I will just resort to pulling into myself. For the past few nights I have wanted to say to my offender...I am shutting down here, I don't know what to do to stop the process but I know that I am hurting.

As I type that this morning God is so good to remind me that I have been stripped of a layer recently and that it is virgin skin. It has never been burned, or hurt in any way. It doesn't have the callouses that the previous layer had. That's why I am hurting so bad, my defenses, I can't use my previous defenses. God has taken them from me. I have asked to be naked, and here I stand for all the world to see. God is talking to me about self-protection. Why do I feel the need to protect myself? Just like Adam and Eve, who told me I was naked? Who told me I had reason to fear? Psalms 3:3 reminds me that God is my shield, he is my covering. Although I feel naked He is protecting me, he is shielding me from seeing everything going on around me. I can only see what He is doing within me and not to the others around me.

In war there is Collateral Damage...the secondary damage done by the intended attack. Sometimes what we see as a full blown attack on us is the actual carnage or collateral damage done to us by the attack on someone else. What we need to learn is that if it makes something revererate within us, is that God can use that as well to shape us, to mold us. It's like the bathwater is still warm so let's through that second child in there.

"Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world." 2 Peter 4:12-13 NLT

Lord, I am amazed by you. Even as I sit here and listen to this song I am reminded that you are here. That I am not alone. That you are right here. Lord, I am sorry for holding on to my entitlements of pain, I am sorry for shutting down when I was needed the most. Lord, this morning I submit myself willingly to the healing that this situation is bringing to me and to others around me. Lord, you see what I can't, you hear what I can't hear. Lord, open my eyes and my ears to receive what you are saying to me through this situation. Lord, help me to open my heart again and to receive the love that is coming from this. Lord, help me to see that this isn't about me, but allow me to enjoy the hot water left in the bathtub. You are so righteous and so Holy and today Lord, I come out of the victim stage and back into the destiny that you have for me. I honor you and praise you for all that you do. My heart is renewed and refilled in a way that only you can do. Lord, let me walk in that love today as I minister my forgiveness to this person. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen