As I was switching over laundry just a bit ago this verse came to mind. My husband and I have been separated since October 8th of last year. There has been some visits through out that time but for all essential purposes, have gave mutual consent to the separation. We knew that we were in transition, we knew that the kids and I needed to be here in Florida, we knew that he needed to stay there in North Carolina until the Army opened up a spot for him. What we did carnally, was agree to God's greatest give of reconciliation. We had no idea at the time. I wasn't sure we would survive the finances, the shutting down of our corporation, the eviction of our church family. I wasn't sure that our marriage was going to endure losing everything. There were moments that I wanted peace and rest at all costs, even if that meant my marriage.
God has been so good to meet me in this place, I know that sounds so cliche, however, it is so true. I have spent almost 6 months allowing God to heal my heart, my pains, my wounds. I have begun to pull back the bandages and realize the actual healing that has taken place. I would never want to go through the process again. It is always my prayer that I would learn the circumference of this tree that I am tied to. But, I am thankful for the fruit of the prayers. The opening of my heart and the reconciliation of a marriage that a year ago, was on a rocky road to no where.
I have talked before about the separating of the pens from the pencils, and how God has sat with me over the last few months and helped me sort my issues from my subscriptions. Day by day, little by little, he has pulled out the shame that was so intertwined into my core that I could barely breathe. He has purposed to show me the good and not just the bad in the snapshots of my life. I had pictures I wouldn't look at, parts of town that I would avoid, just to not have to face the pain, or be overwhelmed with the anger and anxiety that they induced in me. I haven't always gotten it right (somehow I feel relief that God never expected me to) and God has allowed healing into the places that I was willing to reveal and look through his lenses to see.
I believe that it's only through this separation that this healing could begin. I can't tell you the hours that I spent full of anxiety about my marriage. It became and idol and stole my time in a way that I am just beginning to understand. I had to break agreement with a lot of judgments and inner vows I had made growing up. I had to learn to let Jesus be my Lover, I have had to learn to lean on Him first. I would never say it was easy. I would never say that I have it all together now. I am not the same. I don't look at things the same way. I don't want to be so desperate for my husband that I forget sight of my true love. The reintegration of our family will probably bring new challenges. Old habits die hard.
"Throughout the period of his separation he is consecrated to the LORD." ~Numbers 6:8
I am thankful for the time alone learning to be heartsick for my Lover. I am also thankful that reconciliation has taken place and that I also long to be married to my husband for the rest of my life. It wasn't a pretty road, but it was one that brought me to the place that I could trust my heart, trust my husband, but most importantly trust my God.
I am blessed.
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