More Than I Can See

Zechariah 2:8 "For this is what the LORD Almighty says: "After he has honored me and has sent me against the nations that have plundered you—for whoever touches you touches the apple of his eye-"

I was watching the movie "Deck the Halls" the other night with my family. In the movie Danny Devito's character is a man that has never really found his niche in life. He is always chasing the next dream, the next great thing. He is unsettled in his job and feels like he has no purpose in his life. He has a beautiful wife, 2 beautiful daughters but couldn't appreciate them for the fact that he didn't have a feeling of accomplishment. What a way to live your life. To never feel validated, to never feel like you are ever enough.

I know in my own life, I have felt and can continue to feel like I am never enough. I can portray that to my children, my husband, anyone in my life in how I talk to them, how I interact with them. What a shame that we can't love ourselves enough to love our neighbors, our spouses, our children with the love of Christ. I know that I strive to be enough. Whether its in my marriage, in my ministry, in my children. It is nothing that they have done, it's my own perception and my ability to listen to what Satan says about me that can determine my day and my attitude.

God has been walking me through my past and my present to show me my feelings of inadequacies. That I can hear rejection faster that I can hear encouragement. I have said that I know what failure looks like, I have had lots of practice, it's success that scares me because I "feel" that I have never experienced it and wouldn't know what to do with it if it landed in my lap. Ten people can encourage or edify me, but I only hear the one voice that criticizes me or gives me correction. It can deflate me in no time flat. Is it my pride? Is it my own sense of constant rejection? There are many times that I feel disposable. When I look back over my life that is the word that comes to mind. I am sure that wasn't the intention of my parents, my husband, my employers, my pastors, I know it wasn't their words that made me feel that way. It is my own rejection filter that sees it and lets it become a mountain instead of finding forgiveness and moving on. My husband has told me that I am the most easily offended person he knows. That hurts.

I can feel my heart breaking in my chest. This last week has been a challenge for me for no particular reason but all I am hearing is the negative. I am just being honest here. I know that it's not really what is going on around me but it's what I am hearing, it's what I am feeling. That once again I am not good enough.

1 Corinthians 13:5, "It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

That verse is talking about love. It's not rude, boy I have failed at that, it's not self-seeking, my martyr has been having a hay day this week. My expectations and my rejection have been dancing over ever event that has happened this week. It is not easily angered. I have woke up every morning this week angry. I didn't go to bed angry, but I am waking up angry. It keeps no account of wrongs. Yikes! My mentor catches me every time I say the word "again". It is a big word in my life. I keep accounts like an elephant. I can't remember what I had to eat yesterday but I can remember an incident from years past and somehow I never got past it.

I was sitting on my front porch yesterday, trying to find what I call my happy heart. It was Thanksgiving, a day to be full of thanks and I just couldn't find it. I couldn't drum it up, so I sat on the porch with my eyes closed just listening to the breeze blow the leaves. Very clearly I heard the Lord say, "Baby Girl, I am not done with you yet". Oh praise God. That even as I am walking out this new area of my life that He isn't done with me yet.

I have been asking for a new heart, I have been asking to be microwaved in my processing. I am constantly asking God to work on my character. I want to be a women of integrity, I want to be a woman of forgiveness, I want to be a women that loves out of the overflow of God's love for me. Yet I am grumbling about my past, I am grumbling about my grace growers and I am grumbling about the process. Never be ashamed of how God got you there.

Psalm 147:11 "the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love."

God delights in me. As I sit on the porch and bring him my broken heart, knowing of His healing powers, His ability to take me and my life and make it a growing process. How even when he looks at me grumbling and crying that He can put His hand on it and somehow the hurts go and I can again be filled with a knowing of His love for me. How dare I mumble, how dare I get offended, how dare I carry unforgiveness for others.

Phillipians 1:6, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Lord, you have me on a path to brokenness. You want me to let go of this Louis Vitton, I know that you do. Lord, I don't have all the answers, only you do. You know my heart, you know my struggles, you catch every one of my tears as they fall. Lord, today I chose to be thankful for the challenges. I thank you for your ability to live in my life. That Father even as I don't feel like I am ever enough your Word tells me that I am. That I am called, anointed, set aside. I am adopted into your family, I am your friend. I am delivered, delighted in, desired. I am healed, justified, liberated. I am a mountain mover, an overcomer, pleasing to You. I am qualified, righteous, and free. Lord, this morning I bring you my heart, I bring you my hurts, I pray that you continue to cleanse my life. Lord, I chose to forgive, by faith. That Lord as I move forward from this place Lord that I wouldn't forget the knowledge that You have given me. That I would walk in your ways. That Jesus, you were rejected, so much more than I could ever image. Today I chose to take off my rejection filter. Lord, I pray that you would continue to show me the roots of bitterness, and sadness in my life. I submit to the Holy Gardner to pull them out every one. You are my Lord, my King, my Savior, my Redeemer, the lover of my soul, and Lord today I chose to walk in the fullness of that. I love you Lord, and today I again will be the daughter of the King and not a pawn in Satan's attempts in my life. Today I choose to walk in the dunamis power of the Holy Spirit. I am full, I am walking out my salvation and I will not take my eyes off of you. I love you Dear Holy Father. Thank you for your love, your life, your ability to make me whole. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.