The winter...

that we survived.

God is good all the time.  People are asking me what the future holds for us and I promise you that I don't know.  We will know in God's timing... we think we know but when we are honest about it we are unsure.  

I was reading Psalm 51 the other night.  It's the psalm that David wrote after the confrontation with Nathan the prophet.  I would just like to share it here...

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
and your judgment against me is just.
5 For I was born a sinner—
yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb,
teaching me wisdom even there.
7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me—
now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
and don’t take your Holy Spirit[d] from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord,
that my mouth may praise you.

16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
18 Look with favor on Zion and help her;
rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—
with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings.
Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

When I read this Psalm it was almost like the fog had lifted.  I was able to see things through God's eyes and not my own.  This was no longer David's Psalm it was my own.  My own cry to my Heavenly Father.  It seemed to cover everything that I had been thinking lately... especially about myself.  I know that David was pouring his heart out just as I was able to take his words and make them my own.  There was a breaking... a resolve that was quiet yet transforming.  In my effort to strive to be "good" all I had done was become a victim of the "to do" mentality.  In order to be a Christian you have to... you know what I am talking about.  Every denomination has them, I won't smoke, or drink, I will serve until I am empty and then serve some more.  God so got into my heart and said...

If you knew how much I loved you, how much I love to just sit and watch you.  I find you beautiful and intreging.  I adore listening to you breathe the breathe that I put into you.  I created you because I wanted to love you.  I need you, not to complete me but because I am so full of love and there is a special portion just for you.  You don't have to be afraid, I work on your behalf... and have since the creation of time.  There is nothing that you can do to make me stop loving you.  I love being the Lover of Your Soul.  I enjoy dancing over you, and whispering intercession on your behalf.  

It changed me.  It made me see my life so differently.  It made the main thing the main thing.  If I keep Jesus as the cake, my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my writing, my studying... they are but the icing.  They don't have the pressure of keeping me filled... or full... they just make life so much sweeter.  It brings peace to know that I can quit looking to them for my needs.  God is my provider, my husband and the lover of my soul.  He has numbered the hairs on my head and the heads of my family.  We are in His hand.  He has bonded us with the glue of crisis.  I look around and know with every ounce of myself... that we are reflecting more Christ now, than we ever have.  When God fills us overflowing with His love... we have no option but to pour it on others around us.

Thank you Lord... for your words, for your love, for your provision, your sacrifice.  You are what sustains me and I submit to your will.  Whatever that looks like.  My rock, my salvation, I take comfort in the palm of your scarred hand.  Bless you.  I love you.