Momma Jan always says that we can be hurt in healing because we know the Healer, and yes, I know Him and I love Him, with all my heart. I know that He is wants me invested into the Body of Christ, but I am just kicking and stomping my feet. I know it, He knows it... I have had to break agreement with many a judgement, and I have forgiven...and forgiven... and forgiven... daily, minute by minute at times. The issue isn't the past it's the present. Right now, in all reality... my perspective stinks.
We know we are leaving so I don't want to "invest". I don't want anyone to "invest" in me. I don't want to risk the rejection, I don't want to say the goodbyes and I just want to slip out of town (on most days). Six months ago my phone rang off the hook... the last 6 days, it's hasn't rung once. When all is said and done, the laundry on the line... I will take a very small hand full of friends with me.
I know that God has reknit my family. I know that He is continuing to work in my heart with a newness and a freshness and freedom in areas that all I have ever known is rejection. I know that. I know that He has answered thousands of prayers and has heard millions of tears and has given me the deepest desires of my heart when it comes to my husband and my children. I am thankful. From the depths of my heart I am thankful. I will still stand before His throne and thank Him and worship Him because He knows my needs and my desires more than I do.
I have chosen, albeit sometimes not always willingly, to make Him the cake in my life. Sweet and filling, he leaves only room for decoration and icing that comes from the rest of my life, my family, my activities. I know that when I take my eyes off of Him and allow them to look anywhere else that I often find myself in the ditch with no way out but to cry out for Him again. So many times He has found me in an Ezekiel 16 moment. Whether self induced, or by others, situations, etc. But He has never left me uncovered, He has never left me dirty, He has always wrapped me up and pulled me closer to Himself. Even when I didn't want Him, He wanted me. When no one else wanted me or had time for me... He always does.
Lord, I know that I am hosting a pity party today, but I am thankful that you always remember me. Lord, you know where to find me even if I don't get up and seek to find you in a church on Sunday morning. I am thankful for your time and your investment in me, and I am thankful to have to the time to invest in you without distractions. Lord, I lay my heart on your throne, and pray Lord that you will have your way with it. That Father, no one knows the hurts but you and only you can heal them. Teach me to accept love again, allow me to be vulnerable in friendship again, in love again. Lord, teach me to love you without distraction and with disregard to others opinions. It's you Lord, just You that I desire. I know that this is but a season, and even as the trees are budding, there is a new season on the horizon.
I love that song and I loved your blog today. I know exactly that feeling! It's a tough one! I also liked the cake analogy. Great stuff! You are a awesome writer. Love you girl! Me, you and Lily can have a pity party with a screaming match later if you want! LOL!
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