Captivated by Captivating

I have been reading the book Captivating for my second time through.  I loved the book when I read it the first time a few years ago and somewhere in my heart I knew it was time to reread it.  I would highly recommend it to women, who have been hurt and who seek to attention in unhealthy ways.  

So many of us struggle with trying to be the center of attention.  I have in the past used sex as a way to be the center of someone's world.  Even if only for a brief time.  For that time there was nothing else that matter but me... ha... what a crock.  It had nothing to with me... I was giving myself to someone else who was trying to fill a real need with a moment of pleasure.  I used to dress to get other men's attention.  Somehow I just didn't feel captivating to the man that God had given me.  But the game started way before I ever met him.

The thing about being a BS Artist, is that you can spot one a mile away.  My heart aches for young girls I see that don't know, that have never been told that they were worthy of respect.  They have never heard that they were precious, or that the gift of intimacy is something that you can't receive no matter how many partners or how much experience you have.  You search for something but never find it in others.  I tried every way to make sex enough.  It just never was and it never will be.  If anything, you lose more and more of yourself along the way.  Whether you go all the way or part of the way... the compromise leaves you empty and full of shame.  Then the next time we go farther because we don't know that we can lay boundaries, and respect ourselves.  

Over the last few years... wow, has it been that long?  I have been learning what sex, what intimacy really is.  We live in a fast world, a convienient world... a world that would rather masterbate than engage fully.  We don't believe in ourselves, we don't trust anyone... including God.  We wait in anticipation of rejection and abandonment.  We do whatever we have to do in order to find some sort of comfort.  Then we hide it.  

All we want to be is captivating.  We want a safe place to land... someone to share our lives with.  God has created intimacy to be so much more.  Maybe others have known this thier whole lives but I know many a girl friend that didn't know and some still don't know.  We think it's lingerie and orgasms.  I am thankful for the past few months of crisis in my life.  I am thankful to a God that wanted to teach me what intimacy is.  That wanted to show me the gift of marriage and the ability to love without regard to feelings, and without fear.  

Jesus is the Lover of my Soul.  He chases me, persues me, and looks for an opportunity to be my hero.  He can whisper in my ear and send a breeze to send chills down my neck.  So often we take that and think it's dirty, inappropriate to talk about Jesus that way.  I think that Jesus loves us enough to want to fulfill all of our needs... if only we would take them to Him.  If we would take our needs to Him and not to the mall, or the casino, or the strip club, the bar and anywhere else we go to hide and soothe ourselves He would fill us fresh and anew.  He has placed those needs and desires in me, I have just been taught an inappriopriate response.  

Lord, please continue to teach me to hear your voice... to heade your advances.  Lord, I thank you for persuing me, even in your Soverignty still you chose to make yourself available to fill my needs and my desires.  It is you I long for... you that I desire.  Thank you for finding my captivating... and for singing and dancing over me.  I love you, and I love the life that you have crafted for me.  For him, for the kids... this life is more than I ever could have imagined... your love is extravagant and I am blessed.  I give you my heart, my soul, my mind... full of the love I have received from you as my offering... and as the token of my affection.  Because you, My Lord, my King... are what little girls dreams are made of.