The day I quit crying...

I don't know that there will ever be a day I quit crying.  I used to control my tears and not cry on the outside but I cried on the outside... a lot.  I remember being a child and getting my feelings hurt.  My grandmother had a pool and I would swim, crying under water because I didn't want anyone to see me cry.  I would be told how silly it was what I was crying over... and that you refused to get upset over anything you had no control over.  I love my grandparents, and I always have, they were trying to grow me up and I understand that now.  What I was taught was to "Don't Cry Out Loud"... "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone."  What a thing to teach a young girl with tender feelings.  

I was taught to stuff feelings and to just grin and bear it.  Wow... I have done the same to my daughter, I will have to remember to apologize to her when I see her.  

I used to love to swim. I would swim for hours and hours.  I had a dream last night that I was underwater.  I saw my feet push off of the bottom of the pool... and in my heart I knew - that I was coming to the surface.  The alarm woke me before I broke the surface but my heart was full knowing that God was whispering to me that the end is in sight.  That I can push off the bottom of the barrel and find myself floating again.  With force, with speed.  

The weekend we went on our tour of the Carolinas.  This is the first time that I have seen these mountains in the distance that my heart didn't sing.  There is a dread to come here.  A place that I used to love has become the last place that I want to be.  I know that God has prepared me for departure... I was going to grow deep roots here and I had started.  However, it wasn't God's best for me and my family.  He had to pull every punch to get it through to us that it was time to leave.  We have lost our church family, our business, our home... our financial security, our friends... our "ministry".  Everything that we have strived for had been taken from us.  It used to be I never wanted to leave and this weekend I realized I never wanted to come back. 

Some of it is the pain of the loss, but the other part of me... is just ready for some sunshine.  I loved Charleston this time around.  We ate breakfast on the patio at 8:30 in the morning and it was already in the 70's.  The seagulls and the pelicans.  Flip flops, caps and capris.  The water, the boats, the tan skin.  

Lord, I love you and you alone know the desires of my heart.  You alone know what you have in store for us.  I trust you.  Lord, even if you decide we will stay here, I will trust you.  I will love you and cry out to you from the love in my heart.  I chase only after you.  I chose to be your beloved... and to let you lead the dance.