Forgiveness takes a hold...

Today is probably the first day, in months, that I am not harboring a grudge.  I feel like an elephant converted to a ladybug.  It is like I can run where I could only sludge through before.  It has taken me close to six months... to get to this place.  I have laid blame everywhere... including myself... and have finally arrived at the place that I know that God Himself has orchestrated this extraction.  Not Satan, the church, the pastors, my husband, myself... we give ourselves and others too much credit when we blame them.  We think too highly of ourselves (yeah I don't like the word pride much) when we think that we have the power to absorb all of the wrongs in the world.  

I mean this is knowledge I have had for years.  I have known that God orchestrates, I have read the book of Job a bunch of times.  I have done studies on it... I have read books on it.  I have taken classes on it.  I had knowledge - head knowledge.  But the freedom that comes with revelation is exponentially better.  Allowing God's Word to become real.  Does it mean that I am not still stuggling... no there are things that I have to overcome... there always will be.  But what I have done is decided to forgive.  I decided that a long time ago... but what I have today is the "feeling" of forgiveness.  I could come face to face with some of the prosecutors in my life right now and I could pour out grace in a place that I would have just poured out vile not long ago.  

Grace is the answer.  I finally get it.  God gave me grace... I wronged Him in every way possible and yet He has never turned His back on me or said that He couldn't handle one more day.  He loves me, even when I live unlovable... even when I turn tail and run... He loves me.  Even when my witness is tarnished, even when I sit out of the game for fear of pain... guess what?  He still loves me.  Grace... mercy... love...

LOVE...that never fails.  Love never fails.  It never quits, never gives up.  Always hopes always forgives.  If I love you... it is the same for you.  I love people that have hurt me.  I have had to walk away from people that I love in order to be obedient to my Maker, but that doesn't make the love go away.  When we step out of love is when the pain begins.  There is a seperation that occurs and it is the more excrutiating pain I have ever experienced.  But true love returns.  God's love always floods us again...   He never asks us to give up something, that He he doesn't return something... bigger, better, cleaner, more Christlike.  We have to be willing to put it all on the altar... we have to be willing to raise the knife on our best sacrifice... He will send a ram in the thicket.  We learn the lesson, we understand that give up our dreams, our callings, our marriages, our children... He is our all in all... when we keep our eyes on that... He is always faithful, always hopeful for us - even when we lose hope ourselves.  He always loves us.  

We can't get away from His love, we can't outrun it.  We can't out sin it.  He waits to pour His love on us...  for me I had to give up the vile so that he could replace it with understanding, with forgiveness, with hope.  I have no vision for the future... but I know that He does.  He will complete what He has started.  I have faith in that... and that gives me hope.