God wrote me a love song...

Wanna hear it?  

No really, I was driving home earlier this week with the radio on.  My CD player ate 6 of my favorite CD's and for the last few weeks I have had to go back and forth between the local radio stations... 1 country, 1 classic rock, 1 staticy top 40 and the christian station.  Well I love christian music but lately it has all begun to sound the same so I found myself listening to more country... and my kids were amazed that I knew all of the words on the classic rock station.  But I was driving in the car alone and did what everyone stuck with radio does... flipped through all of the stations and finding nothing.  I purposed to change it to the christian station because I had been avoiding it, sometimes... well, you just don't want to hear how much God loves you when you don't feel it.  

So I am riding down the road and this song comes on...

I knew that God had played it just for me.  The first line grabbed me and held me... then the kicker was the "why are you still searching as if I am not enough"... Holy Cow... Lord, you got me, you have me.  I had been running... I have no idea where I was running to, but I knew what I was running from.  I could say it was the church, or the people, or my family... but it would be taking the easy way out.  I was running from God Himself.  I have been feeling like he has forgotten me.  

I know that others have experienced lots of teaching and preparation only to be set aside.  Paul was sent home for years after the road to Damascus incident... David hid in caves from Saul - after he had been told he was going to be King.  There seems to be a natural process.  A seperation from everything that has defined you... to sort through what is really you and what has become a defense mechanism.  What is personality and what is reactionary... what you were made to be versus what you have become.  There are some things you can't be taught in Bible College... or even ministering to others.  Until you learn to minister to your own needs there really isn't any need to practice on anyone else.  

I have heard the voice of God... and have begun to fertilize myself with worship and realizing that I need to get back into his Word... and His will for me.  I still have no answers, I have no idea, if and when... we just know that something is coming.  What?  Who knows... no one but God.  I still deal with a lot of anxiety.  We are working on it... my emotions boil under the surface.  My flesh cries for comfort.  I find myself shopping too much... isolating more than I should... and cleaning.  Three of my indicators that I need to find an outlet for some tension.  I am touchy, and emotional, and really there is no one to turn to by God.  My friends try, my kids - my husband... my family.  

Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none

Psalm 69:20

God, I know that you see me... I know that you do.  I don't understand, but I know that you have it under control.  Lord, forgive me of my anxiety.  Lord, I do want you in charge, I do want nothing less than your destiny for me.  For my family.... Lord, I am tired, and all of my hope is in you.  I am grasping at straws, I am in a state of controlled chaos... but my heart beats hard in my chest and my fears like to dance on my emotions.  I am ready to give up... yet I don't know what to do except to call for you.  I don't want anything but you... I just want the ministry of you.  I just long to sit at your feet and to feel what your Word talks about.  Right now... I don't feel anything.