The one thing...

that keeps me from moving on is myself.  I battle the thoughts in my head.  I get so wrapped up in this one thing that it keeps me befuddled and incapable of motion and that just makes me so mad.  But it seems to plague me.  Everytime I am ready to move on... it comes back.  I wake up thinking about it, I go to sleep thinking about it and I am sick of it.  Really truly sick of it.

I have started to read "When Your World Falls Apart", by David Jeremiah.  It's the whole God is taking this through the refiners fire.  I so have heard that a thousand times and I know it to be true... but dadgum this has been a long season.  Dr. Jeremiah quotes Warren Wiersbe as saying, "When God permits His children to go through the furnace, He keeps His eye on the clock and His hand on the thermostat.  His loving heart knows how much and how long."  Oh how I want to believe that.  Oh how I hope that the picture of that is something that I can grab a hold of.  

I am tired, really tired.  Exhausted really from this whole ordeal.  I feel like I am holding on by the skin of my teeth.  There are times that I can forget about the pain but then it takes me by surprise like it's just been waiting for me to show back up.  My faith is wavering... I started having this whole theological conversation - with myself mind you - about God, and how women are treated in the Bible and if Jesus really came for all of us.  I wonder what Sarah felt when Abraham twice pawned her off as his sister, or how Bathsheba felt the first night that David called someone else other than her to his chambers.  I wonder the disappointment that Eve felt when Adam didn't stand up for her or say a word to the snake despite the fact that he was with her...or her shame when he didn't defend her when God showed up.  We often hear about the stories but very little about the pain in their hearts.  

I love God, I am thankful for Jesus and I long for the comfort that only the Holy Spirit can provide.  I am doing what I know to do to put one foot in front of the other... I attempt to worship more than I whine.  I just feel so alone in this.  There is nothing anyone can do.  Every door has been shut, every face has turned away.  Everyone commends but no comfort comes.  No relief, no respite.  I know that God is here... I just can't feel Him, or see Him...  

BarlowGirl - Never Alone
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