Continuing in my study of strongholds... SHAME plays a huge role. I believe that I have lived in shame every day of my memorable life. I am really trying to seek God's face on the event that really kicked it for me. That really decided that I was bad and there was nothing anyone including God could do about it. I was always going to let everyone down, I was always going to get it wrong.
I can't put my finger on a specific event but there was a time period in my life where I can see the fruits of it. Where a culmination of things happened all at once and changed me. That taught me to put up my defenses. To lie, to self-protect... to mask the true feelings. I was in middle school when I started feeling like an outsider. I was in high school when my shame was so hopeless that I would lie in bed and literally say to God, "If I am still awake at midnight tonight is the night I am going to kill myself." I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for years since then. Still sometimes the thoughts come. I understand them better now, I know what they are trying to do. However, they do come in waves and sometimes it can be overwhelming. I believe that my suicidal thoughts are my ultimate self-preserving act. I can't be hurt and I can't hurt anyone else if I am not here. I kept a packed suitcase in the bottom of my closet for years... always waiting for the opportune time to run.
I made so many mistakes, I did, I still do. I put myself in bad places, I allowed myself to be abused by not standing up for myself. I have had people not believe me about being abused. It's all this huge castle of hiding myself. Of losing my true identity. Of not having healthy boundaries, of being passive and letting others make decision albeit awful ones for me. Of putting on a mask that says I am ok when on the inside I am falling apart, broken and shutting everyone out so that they can't see it. What would people think if they knew the truth. I believe that part of my healing process is here, talking this out, being naked and vulnerable in small spurts, filling in the rest with sarcasm and humor... which are my favorite guards. I am beginning to lay down my shame.
2 Corinthians 4:2, "Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God."
I am beginning to understand this a little bit at a time. What I know, in every part of me is that God loves me. He created me, and he loves me. Getting rid of my shame is going to take action on my own behalf. I am going to have to put some umph into it. It is something that God can deliver me from but only after I stop agreeing with the enemy and start agreeing with God.
“But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.”- Psalm 59:16
I chose God. With every part of myself... I chose God. Do I always get it right? No, if I could I would and then I wouldn't need God. I need a Savior, every day. Everyday. As I cry out to him, He is faithful to come and save me again from myself. I am looking for true deliverance from shame. I know that it is possible and I trust God to not start something and not lead me through until the end.
Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Thank you Lord for loving me enough to not leave me bound by shame.
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