The post I didn't want to write...

"Lord, make me as holy as You can make a sinner saved by grace" - Oswald Chambers

The strength of what we believe is measured by how much we are willing to suffer for those beliefs. - commentary of NLT study bible.

I have alluded to the fact that six months ago my life was turned upside down.  Everything from my marriage, to my children, our business, our finances, our church, our friends... there was really very little that looks the same today as it did that Sunday evening.  I have yelled at everyone, including God... I have blamed everyone, including God... I have cried out for relief.  There were nights allI could do was to whisper the name Jesus over and over.  In the beginning I chased Christ with both hands open.  

Today, today, I have a heart for Christ... I want to search for Him, I know He is here with me... but I am looking for the defibulator dose of his power to restart my heart.  There has been so much change that sometimes I know that I have hardened parts of my heart to deal with later.  I believe that He and I are coming to those places now.  There are some pretty big issues that I think he really wants to take me to another level of healing on.  It seems that there are issues that are staring me in the face and I am thinking that we may need to at least explore them.

The one that I see so much in the last few days is abortion.  When I was fresh out of high school, not even by months, I got pregnant.  I was 18 and confused and asked the people around me for advice.  I take complete responsibility for my role, but I did take some advice and had an abortion.  Then 18 months later... I had another.  It worked the first time.  I know that the first one was in September and the second one was in Spring... but that's all I remember.  Just now I am realizing the disdain I have for fall, the saddness that usually comes may be tied to this.  I am processing some of this out loud.

I could blame the guy, or my accomplices to the hospital.  I could blame God for allowing life to form within me... but mostly I blame myself and have lived in shame of this for almost 20 years.  There is a comparison, I have always said there is no hierarchy of sin... maybe more to myself than anyone around me.  What I have come to understand is that I have murdered for my own benefit.  I have shut down a huge part of myself in trying to protect that part of my heart.  I have continued to look at myself as trash for those decisions.  I changed that fall.  I lost total regard for myself.  I cried when I got home and I remember thinking that I was never going to get past this.  I was alone... no one would understand.  Others went on, I alone have carried this burden.  

God has been awesome to give me 3 more beautiful children.  I have been blessed beyond measure with them.  But I know that there is a part of me that isn't all that I can be... there are times that I wonder what those other children looked like... what their hair smelt like... what their little toes would have looked like.  

I have strongly believed for a long time, that I was a horrible mother.  I have known that I was a murderer, and a manipulator.  I have done all that I can to create an illusion of goodness, of worthiness... all for nothing.  The strands of shame that started as a child became tree trunks at that time in my life.  Without those 2 events I believe that I would be more of a wife, a mother, a daughter.  I wouldn't have operated out of shame, and a sense of being less than for all of these years.  No one was as bad as me... no one else had murdered... but I had and that isolation is where shame grows... 

I have had healing in this area before.  I remember once being on my knees at our large church in Florida before I married Ande... and crying out to God.  My pastor then sat on the edge of the platform with his feet hanging over and I know that he too was crying as he watched me.  God gave me a vision or an understanding that he had those babies, and that one day I would greet them as their mother.  It was a balm to the wound.  The actual hurt of the event became less and less over time.  I looked at my new marriage and my new children as God's reassurance that He still loved me.  Albeit it only in part because I had burdened him with these other children.  (wow, that's a revelation for me this morning).

I have been crying out to God to show me the roots of my shame and he has been dilligent to do that for me.  I know that the deliverance is coming... but I feel like a child following a thread of yarn to a great discovery.  There are things along the way that bring on the tears and really break my heart like this morning.  I had no intention of talking about this on here.  But God said to... he is so good to teach me how to be more Eve like... naked and unashamed in his Garden of Eden... before the snake.  He is teaching me to be transparent... to live outloud.  He is my healer, and my hero.  I do desire to be more Christlike... I desire to walk in the grace that comes in my Father's sacrifice.  I am laying down my judgements of myself in an effort to lay down my judgements of others.  

I will add that I am prolife with every part of myself now.  When I was actually able to hear my own voice... I knew that I had gone against every fiber of my own being in an effort to please others.  They may as well have pulled out my backbone as well.  But it is fusing back together.  My warrior is rising up.  I know that she is.  This time not only for others, but for the creation of God that is myself.

Thank you Lord, for your love.  If you can create life within our bodies, I know that I know that I know that you can heal the hardness of my heart.  I cry out to you for these babies and say Lord, here I am use me.  

PS... will you kiss them for me today?