Today...

Today was one of those days where I can never seem to catch my breath.  I am not a clean house obsessed woman.  My house typically had enough dog hair in the corners to stuff a king sized blanket... it's just not my thing.  I clean when I am mad.  If you walk into my house and find me cleaning... it's usually a good idea to turn right around and head in the opposite direction.  Today for instance my children did their chores and then ever so politely asked to go outside due to the beautiful weather... they don't fool me.  They knew I was on a rampage and they had two options, either run outside or grab a mop.  

But this evening I am sitting here in my clean house and am full of wings.  I opted out of the gym tonight...  although they are open til 9 and I still might change by mind.  I cleaned out my dresser... and filled a yard bag full of clothes that I don't love... including every pair of pantyhose and tights I own.  I don't wear them why do I have to keep them?  I threw away a bunch of really worn out bras and a ton of panties that had seen better days.  I condensed my pj's down to one drawer.  I usually maintain 3 drawers of pjs but the new me needed one of those drawers for work out clothes... and I filled a whole drawer just full of camisoles.  I broke down when I found my Pappy's flannel pjs.  They were at the back of my drawer... I pulled them out and held them to my chest and I swear I could smell him.  There are days that I wish that I could just call him and talk to him... he always could comfort me and make me feel safe.

Today is one of those days that I find myself crying for no reason other than the sun is shining.  I know it has nothing really to do with the events of the day but it's my heart feeling the pain that I have blocked out for so long.  I hate to cry... I hate the vulnerability of crying.  So a day of crying I find exhausting.  I try to hold it in when I am around people.  This afternoon I couldn't stand it anymore and rode over and parked at the lake.  I just had to let some pressure off.  I find when I cry like that here at home it either starts a fight or everyone feels like they have to make it all better for me.  They want to take responsibility for it and it has nothing to do with them... or usually anything that they suggest it is.

There are some hurts that we just don't share.  Some thoughts we don't discuss.  They are just ours alone... to share with God and no one else.  Today was one of those days.  When I had to pour it out on the throne.  Where he had to wrap me up and hold me... because I wasn't going to make it.  This is a season of my life where I can't be comforted by others.  Not my friends, my husband, my kids... any of my old crutches.  I  have no option but to find a quiet place and just pour out my heart to God.  He is the only comfort I can find.  I was told today that there are many that want to comfort me through this time but God won't let them.  God is doing this one on one... me and him.  So I know that my blogs seem so random to some but it's just a dance that I do with God as my partner and Jesus as the lover of my soul.  The relationship is intimate and sometimes he allows me to share and others doesn't.  

I have been reading about strongholds... he told me to put the book down.  I keep wanting deliverance... he keeps bringing me back to shame.  I am like Lord, can't we work on fear?  He is adamant that we are on shame and it feels like we are going to be here forever.  Just when I think I have it licked... something else pings and I think I haven't gotten anywhere.  He reminds me that in war the land it taken battle by battle and inch by inch.  It doesn't mean that there isn't forward movement, or carnage... This is the battle of my life.  This is life or death for me.  Someone wonderful and wise told me today that God is battling the things that keep me from him.  It's not personal... he's not trying to kill me, he is trying to kill the things that keep me from him.  He wants to love me fully and until this shame is erradicated...I can only love him in part.  I can only love my children, my husband in part.

1 Corinthians 13:8-12 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

When I can love God fully, I can fully love others without hesitation. If I can trust God, I can begin to trust others.  My shame has kept me from trusting others.  I would rather throw you out of my boat than to trust you to help me.  Now there are some that have wiggled into my trust circle... they have taught me that trust can be a safe place.  

Lord, my hands are raised to you.  There is nothing else that I can do...I have tried to grab things with my hands and have just come up empty handed.  I raise up my arms to you in complete surrender and say I trust you and I love you enough for  you to teach me more about trust in love.  Father, I trust you, Jesus, I love you, Holy Spirit, I need you.