Praying fo' ya!

Papa...

I wait...

I am really ready to get to the point that I don't "hate". That was my realization this week. I hate. I have hurt before, but I don't know that I have ever hated. Hated isn't pretty. Hate is an ugly word... that's what I was taught as a child. You don't hate anyone. Right now I can't say that. I have only "hated" one other time in my life. How is it possible to love and hate at the same time. It's not. When hate comes in... love goes out. It's doesn't mingle. Hatred seeps in other areas of your life... quickly, almost like a cancer.

I am a firm believer in until you know what it is, there can't be healing. So the realization of what it is... is progress. Being able to label it.

Friday night I went with my family to our favorite local mexican restaurant. There was someone there that used to be my friend. I won't even make eye contact with her. I have nothing left for her, no pain, no animosity, no trust, no respect. No sooner did we go in and sit down and the man that raped me five years ago walks in. He makes it very obvious that he is there... I am no longer intimidated by him. I take responsibility for my role in it. I am no longer his victim... but again I have nothing for him. No feelings of maliciousness, no desire of retaliation... no respect, no trust and just pity for him and his family.

What I hate... is that I can't just walk away. I hate that I have had to face every one of these people. I hate that I feel like I am being punished. I feel like God has turned his face from me. I have been so deeply hurt by so many that I love. I don't trust well to begin with and everyday that goes by it seems that I trust others less and less. I feel like... I can't do one more day and yet, somehow, another day passes and I am still here. Still moving forward. I don't understand it. I love God but right now I am hating the delay. It's doesn't seem to let up.

If the farm is where we are heading, Let's get this show on the road. It's like swimming through quicksand. I feel like I am up to my hips in mud. I want to get excited but I can't... because we can't seem to get out there. I want to get this house packed up and get out there... but there is no point until that house is ready to move into... it's this constant... waiting. It's this constant... looking the enemy in the face. It's this unrelenting pain.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing. ~Isaiah 51:3

Floods...

No wonder I am feeling a little washed out.

Jealous... and I hate it

I am ready to go... no really. I am ready. So ready. READY.

There are really times that I want to erase my entire friend list on Facebook and start over. Really. As time goes on I know that I can and will put greater distance in some of the relationships. I know that reading thier statuses won't hurt.

I am making new friends... I am transitioning. We will find a new place to belong and I won't always feel on the outside looking in. I will eventually release the final breath in the pain on this issue and I will move on. I know that... but DADGUM sometimes I wish that I could just throw a switch. Green is my favorite color but not like this.

Lord, I am happy for them. I am happy that they are moving forward in the desires of their hearts. I am glad that they have an opportunity to serve you. Lord, remind me that I am too. Remind me that you know my heart and my desires. That you have not forgotten me. That you are still cleansing me, us.

Jeremiah 29:11. Lord, I stand on Jeremiah 29:11.

The Road to Nowhere... and light at the end of the tunnel.

This is a photo from the inside of the tunnel on the Road to Nowhere in the Great Smoky Mountain National Park. I took this picture on Mother's Day while I was hiking with my wonderful family. Maybe it's just a burning desire... maybe it is revelation but I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel.

So many things... well, they still hurt. Being seperated from those I loved, losing friends. It's like someone came along and pulled up my anchor. I have drifted aimlessly for this past year. It's hard to believe how much time has passed. The storm has destroyed so much... things that I coveted, relationships that I clung to... ideals that were shattered. I have been broken. I have cried to the depth of myself and have found that I need so much more. There is still so much within me what is hard, and set in it's ways. What I have also found, is that God... in His awesomeness has heard my cries. He has opened doors to opportunity to talk about things that I never would have brought up otherwise. He has allowed words to comfort me... by the ones that inflicted the wounds to begin with. There are some more fences to mend... but I am willing to wait on God to open the doors.

I don't want my relationships to be based on emotion. Not with God, my husband, my children. I have always told my kids that courage was doing it scared. Today I was making my bed and the thought comes... Love is doing it in pain. I think of God as love... I think of Jesus as love... and I can't even begin to fathom the pain that they endured for me. That in that moment on the cross that Jesus applied my sins... the pain in that moment was for me alone... he could bear it and yet even now I could not. Jesus loved me as He hung there. Through the pain... He endured. He never quit, He never gave up, He never lost hope. Even in those moments before His death... He cried to God that His will be done... although His flesh cried out for the cup to be passed from before Him.

Jesus didn't do it on some warm fuzzy emotion LOVE. He didn't do it on anything less than gut wrenching.... if feels like I have been to HELL & back love. There are times that I believe that Jesus never married because then we would all have a list of rules to follow for our marriages. There are no rules in Love... The rule is... Do unto others...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love never fails... the 3 words that I love more than any other 3 in the entire book. What a promise that Jesus makes to us. NEVER fails. Never... ever. Failing isn't an option. We quit to easily. We throw our hands up. It doesn't "feel" right. It "hurts". But... Love never fails. He never gives up on us. He always protects, trusts and hopes. Through perserverance the snail reached the ark. Through following the calling of the Father... it made it to its point of destiny. How powerful that is.

Jesus... he still... still whispers intercession on my behalf. He sees the pain in my heart... He sets me up for success. He orchastrates it all... and I just follow His lead in the dance. If I allow Him to lead... it will be beautiful.

I don't understand... but I do get what you are beginning to show me. I want it to be more than a worship experience, more than just a warm feeling. It will be tested & tried... I want it to never seem like a mere affair... I want the whole relationship... not just the heavy breathing. I want to walk in the truth that I am enough for you... because you created me to love you. You whisper my name... you know my heart, my desires, my hope... my pain. But most of all you know my love. I have nothing to offer if I have not love.

Tears...

I have had a long weekend. Spent the day today in my pj's napping and just taking it easy. Sometimes we all need a mental health day. I guess that was me today. Just enjoying my bed, reading, listening to the rain fall outside. It's a cool evening here in the mountains and I am again looking forward to the comfort of my bed and snuggling with my honey.

I spent too much time on Facebook... tends to be a time stealer for me. I keep thinking I just need to give it up. So what I have started doing is shutting it down for hours at a time. Researching recipes, and canning jars and other things that I am going to need in my new life. I love to cook, Ande and the kids, well, they love to eat. It's a good combination. But today, I saw pictures of a young married couple, he is deploying and I literally just sat here and cried. For her, for him, his mother. There is nothing like it. I can't even pretend to comprehend it. But I know that it breaks something in me.

I have been a military wife for 15 years. Somehow, God has spared Ande and I from being separated for more than 5 weeks. In all these years, Iraq, Afghanistan... 9/11. Part of me and I know him too feels like we are on the outside as we watch others go, our nephew is in the Navy... he was out to sea last year. Friends, family member... but never us. It's just strange. Trying to go active duty only to be sent home. I just don't understand... still.

Then I am reminded that I don't understand God at all. There is no part of the trinity that makes any sense whatsoever. The more I learn the less I know. It's overwhelming and frustrating all at the same time. Some make it so complicated, some just call it love. I just call it a relationship.

But today, I cried. When I woke up I was teary. The stupid thoughts plagued me again this morning as I laid in bed between the alarms. I am struggling to step out of the chains. The thoughts that have kept me silent, and still for so long. The ones that hurt that no one knows about. The scars that still seem to remind me of days long ago. I lie there and forgive, myself, for the offender... and yet somehow I just can't shake the pain. Time doesn't send any relief.

The only time it seems to diminish is when I am covered in God's love. But it's like these thoughts and God's love are like oil and water. I can't have both... it's either one or the other. One prevents the other from seeping in. I go back and forth.... but never quite get it blended.

Lord, I feel like a bird caught in an oil spill. I fly, then I fall back into the mess. I just need you. Like air, water, I need you.

I am editing this post to add the scripture that God gave me this evening... I just felt compelled to add it here.

Romans 12

Living Sacrifices

1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[b]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love

9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.

17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[d]says the Lord. 20On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[e] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Love always wins... even if he has to keep you awake.

Thank you Lord!

The Beauty of God...

He said to another person, “Come, follow me.”
The man agreed, but he said, “Lord, first let me return home and bury my father.”
But Jesus told him, “Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead! Your duty is to go and preach about the Kingdom of God.”
Another said, “Yes, Lord, I will follow you, but first let me say good-bye to my family.”
But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.” ~ Luke 9:59-62

Do you think that sometimes we get so wrapped up in persueing our healing that we never fully take the land we have already conquered? Are we always so concerned with continuing to fix the past that we can't have a vision for the future? I don't know too much about farming... but I know enough to know that you can't plow a straight line if you are looking behind you.

I do believe that God has to free us from our chains. I do believe that there has to be healing, but I also think that if all we ever do is stand there with those loose chains around our ankles, if we never step forward we are no better off. I have spent way too much time looking at the chains of my past and being so used to bearing their weight that I haven't been able to move forward. Even as Jesus has continued to heal me I have just allowed the chains to puddle around my ankles. Freedom but still secure in my chains. They have defined me for so long can I really just step out of them and move on towards my future.

This has really been hitting home for me in the past few months. My life right now isn't even remotely close to what I pictured when I was younger. First off, I never really had a vision of a future. I was consumed with suicidal thoughts, plagued by the belief that I wouldn't live past my early 20's. I lived in such huge vats of shame that I really expected to die. I wanted to die, I remember laying in my bed and praying to God, "If I am not asleep by midnight, tonight is the night I am going to do it." I, honestly, in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be a 36 year old woman, married 15 years, homeschooling her kids and moving to a farm. I never saw a career path, never had a desire to go to college. I wanted the parties, not the long term benefits.

I sold myself short. Way too short. I added my own chains, of sexual identity, addictions, coping mechanisms. Crutches. If I get married I will be happy... another lie. A baby... another lie. I start looking back and my whole structure was built on lies that I put on myself.

Chains of despair, grief, shame, suicide, alcoholism, promiscuity.

So Jesus comes along... and gets a hold of me. Five years ago, I sought Him head on. He has over the past years taken the snips to those chains... But I have allowed myself to be paralized by a power that they no longer hold. I am not rejected... I was bought with a price. 1 Corinthians 6:20, tells me that I was bought with a price and I should honor Christ with my body. I am not abandoned, John 1:12 tells me that I am a child of God. There are more than 300 versus that tell me who I am in Christ. They combat every thought, every belief that I have held onto. I think it's time to let them win. I am going to quit allowing my thoughts to be over run with negativety. I am going to allow the Words to be like hydrogen peroxide and bubble out the infection... and I am going to step forward. I have been taught the process, I have walked with others, but I don't know that I have ever really let the same things penetrate my hard heart. It's time to destroy the stronghold...

Lord, I am tearing down the vines that have kept me from you. I am allowing the scales to fall from my eyes. Lord, you have never left me. Since I was a little girl, watching The Crystal Cathedral, Father the prayer of a 3 year old little girl watching the TV. You have been with me, every step along the way. I am sorry for allowing pain to seperate us. I am sorry for not walking in the victory that you have already declared over my life. Lord, thank you for your grace, your ultimate gift and Lord, my life. Thank you for preserving my life so that I could enjoy the blessings you have so willingly bestowed. I love you... doesn't express it... but I am willing to show you with my life, and not just my mouth.

Thank you Lord,

Love songs...

I have been hanging off of a ladder painting for 2 days. One of the benefits of being married to a contractor. Spring painting. Nothing like a little sunburn and paint in your hair to make you feel alive. Well, that's what it does for me.

The thing about painting is that you spend a lot of time in your own thoughts. There were times that I could hear the radio but most of the time I couldn't. Finally today I put my iPod on to get me through some high work (which I hate). It seems that God knows what to load on my iPod, I purchased the new mp3 album Revelation by Third Day to make a CD for my Mom for Mother's Day. I like them, but they aren't really my style... but they are one of her favorites. So I am painting a long today and it's just like God grabbed me gently by my chin and looked me in the face as this song played in my ears.

This has just been a season of Jesus getting into my hard heart. Of not flailing, not striving for my own way. It has been excrutiating. I have begun to allow Him in the deep places of hurt. Places that you forget about until He puts His finger on a memory, a smell, something that seems so insignificant takes you back to a place that meets you with pain. All of my worst fears, all of those memories that have defined me but that I have shut out and not taken to the Cross. I have lived my whole life in fear that God's grace wasn't enough for me. For everyone else, but not me. That my salvation, is conditional, on performance.

I have spent years working on degrees in theology so that I would "feel" qualified. I have read so many Christian Inspiration books that they all sound the same. I have danced at the altar, I have been baptised twice, I have been in all of the "right" small groups. I have worn myself out trying to please man, and trying to earn a place. With this move to the farm, it's like God is screaming at me... you are already in your place. Not that wife and mother is all that I am. I am so much more than just labels of responsibility. But at the same time I don't need anything more. I don't have to be the Homeschool President, the Scoutmaster, make all of the costumes, and attend church every time the doors are open so that I have all of these qualifications to list on my Application for Salvation.

I do believe that we walk out our Salvation. I do believe that God calls us to a process of sanctification. Holiness, seperate behaviors... not alienation from all things evil. Not a list of do's and don'ts. But a heart that cries out to Him... a heart that desires to know Him, for the sake of loving Him. A heart that knows fear of the Lord, honor, obedience to His Word. Loving ourselves enough to be capable of loving others the way that we love ourselves. Allowing God's love to flow in and through us, a cleansing stream. His Word, the two edged sword... seperated the bone from the marrow. What is skeletal versus what is the source of the skeleton.

I kept thinking that I miss God over the last few months as we have searched for a new church home. If only I could find a good worship event, if only the Pastor would call, if only someone would lay hands and pray on us. What I have missed is an emotion. God hasn't left me, He has had His hand on the small of my back guiding me and whispering in my ear every step of the way. The pain, He saw, the tears, He caught, the sobs, He heard. The accusations, He held at bay, the enemy, this far and no farther. God has implanted a faith, a hope so deep in my heart. It makes no sense. I can't explain it. Others ask where it comes from and I can say it's only through Him... Christ Jesus that I am even alive. I know the places He has walked with me, I know the times that He could foresee the damage, and yet, allowed it for my growth. He did it with Abraham, Job, Paul... David.

It is because of my love of the Father and the Christ, that I am able to love my husband, despite his humanness. My children through the tough days of adolecence. My parents through years of rebellion, and misunderstanding. My own self, despite the weight, the past, the sin, the shame... the things I have done to cover for the real me, that no one would love. I have begun to allow Him to love her, and as He does, I am able to show her to Ande, my children, my family... my friends. I am not who I have portrayed. I am a weak woman, that needs her Father, her Savior and her Comforter... everyday. I am done pretending to be strong, I am going to allow myself to cry, I am going to allow myself to laugh. I am going to allow myself to be me. I am going to be true to the Creator and care a lot less about what creation thinks.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”- Proverbs 31:30

Cranalanalectomy

I think we have all ventured through life in the position at some point in our lives. I have assumed the position for months... MONTHS.... So negative, so ugly, so on the edge, stressed out... You lost that loved feelin' now it's gone gone gone... OhOOHHHoh.

So I have decided to pull out my ginormous head sucker outter thingy... and to just give it up. Really, like I quit smoking, and caffiene. Quit talking about it, quit whining about it. I am talking Nike style... JUST DO IT. Not in an offensive, everyone back up kind of way. But in a I have a smile to offer kind of way. Smile... how hard is it to smile. Really? Or to use a pleasant tone with the the lady at Walmart who was so nice and helpful when she was checking me out. She actually thanked me for being nice to her. This poor woman deals with how many people in a day and she thanks me... me, for being nice to her. I can do nice. I can offer a smile, and even the scarier option, eye contact. I know I said it. You heard it here... eye contact.

Ande and I were out yonder yesterday meandering through some coves and here is what Ande explained to me. You throw up your hand at men, they throw up their hand back. Simple. You throw up your hand at a woman and she doesn't do anything. His take on it is that women are just snobs. I think it has something to do with waving at another woman's husband that might get the woman in trouble. I think really, the simple solution is that we often times, really "assume the position".

If my head is so far up my patootie, if I am so wrapped up in myself, that I can't show a simple act of kindless, I am not even talking about sharing the Good News, or talking about the weather, we aren't talking conversation, we are talking smile and eye contact, then I have a problem. A big fat, smelly problem. Because we have a purpose, and a love, we have Christ, why do others want to come to church with us, when all they see is that we have assumed the position. Do this, say that, never smile, never look up, look busy maybe they won't talk to you.... Wimps. So self indulged... oh Lord, I hope I am only talking to myself here.

Lord, forgive me. For myselfishness. For not sharing your joy, your love and for only adding my own black cloud to the mix. Lord, let me remember how much you love me, and Lord, allow me to pour that out on others around me. Let them feel your love Lord. Let me love them like you love me.

Blessed...

Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her.

Proverbs 31:28

I remember being a young woman, not even married, and crying out to God that I just wanted to be a wife and a mother.  Often times, I have tried to chase other avenues to seek acceptance.  I have at times bought into the I am "only" a mom, only a "wife".  I have never really asked God for any other job title and yet I could so easily brush off the gifts that He has given me.

Through all of this transition, and all of the whining I have done... they have done nothing in comparision.  My oldest son Alex is 14, he is an awesome young man.  Nothing like I was at that age.  He is kind, loving, sincere.  He has more character at 14 than most adults I know.  I know he is mine and that my opinion may be a little biased, but he is just that awesome.  Adam, my Boo Boo Bunny is growing up.  He isn't a little boy any more.  At 11 he is pushing the boundaries to see how far he can run over Mom.  He is the first to wrap his arms around me, the first to open my car door and the first to give me a hard time.  Julia, she is just my mini-me.  The dramatic... instantaneous musical ready to break out at any moment beauty.  I am blessed.  BLESSED.  

We spent the day hiking in the Smokies today.  One of my favorite activites.  Krispy Kreme and coffee for breakfast, fajitas for lunch... and a post hike Jamocha shake.  Bliss.  Blessed.  

To all of those mothers out there... I pray you had an awesome day!  

Lord, just a humble prayer of thanks.  For Ande, the husband of my dreams, for the kids... Lord, I love you and I am blessed by them.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you.

Trading my sorrow...

There is this little devotional book that my mother in law bought for me that sits on the back of my toilet, I am a homeschool mom to 3 kids sometimes you have to make time for devotions, and sometimes you have to do it by locking the bathroom door.  I have been rereading this one page for a few days.  I wanted to share it with you...

We live in a world gone wrong, one that was created perfect but now suffers the ravages of sin: death, violated relationships, children born with disabilities and deformities. disease, man's inhumanity to man, moral failures, tragedies of major proportions, chaos.  It is, indeed, a broken world.  But it is one thing to shake our heads at the mess the world is in; it is quite another to confront the reality of it in our own lives.  One layer away, it is sad.  But when it hits us, it is ominous...

When we stand in the middle of a lifestorm, it seems as if the storm has become our way of life.  We cannot see a way out.  We are unable to chart a course back to smoother waters.  We feel defeated --and broken.  Will that brokenness produce a cynicism that will keep us forever in the mire of "if only" thinking? Or will we yield up that brokenness to the resources of the One who calms the winds and the waves, heals the brokenhearted, and forgives the move grievous of sins?  The choice is ours.  - Verdell Davis, Joy for the Journey Vol. 1 pg. 107

There are so many times in the last few months that I have felt just that.  But today, even with the rain, even with the circumstances as they are... today I choose to offer my brokenness to the One that can actually do something about it.    

And the ransomed of the Lord shall return, and come to Zion with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorry and sighing shall flee away.  Isaiah 35:15

Praise God!

Lord, I have struggled with the burden for as long as I can.  I know that you are calling me out from the striving.  You are calling me out to rest in you.  Lord, I answer the call of Matthew 11:28-29.  I am bending to your will and giving up my own.  It is you that I am here to please.  It is my offering back to you.  Just me... loving you and living my life outloud for the world to see.  Yes, sir.  I love you, thank  you for loving me enough to pull me out of where I am so comfortable.  You are awesome, and I am honored to be Yours.  

The light is on .... Ding Ding Ding...

and to think that I am not a natural blonde.  Although I play one in real life.  Often.  Very often.

Ande and I's 15 year wedding anniversary is next month. Amazing isn't it?  We have definitley walked the plank a few times in all of these years but here we are stronger, more in love, and looking forward to our new adventure.  Do we always get it right, no we probably usually get it wrong, but we learn and we move forward and I believe in my heart that is what marriage is about.  My parents were married 14 years, then they divorced, that was my major epiphany today.  That's why I feel such a huge push to celebrate 15 years.  Not to put my parents down, or to any way reflect negatively on them, but it's just a milestone and somewhere in me it was bigger than I imagined.  My inlaws have been married for 52 years... we have a ways to go to catch up with them, but I look forward to trying.  Honestly, I would love to see our pictures in the paper celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary with all of our children and great grandchildren surrounding us.  That would be the best icing on the cake of life that I could imagine.

We were coming home from the city tonight (spontaneous trip to Barnes & Noble while we still only live 30 minutes away) and we were in this conversation about the future and what it holds for us.  It's conversations like that, they warm my heart and give me a hope for the future.  I may be up to my knees in muck but I am sure that Ande will be standing somewhere close by laughing.  It's what he does... it's what his family does.  They put me in these insanely "country life" positions and then they stand by and enjoy the entertainment that JenniLee brings.  Like the time that my father in law had me on the county jail house roof, catching rolls of tar paper that he hoisted up 3 stories to me.  He wanted to see "what I was made of".  Sugar and spice and every thing nice until you cross me.  That's what JenniLee is made of.  This one time, I had my nephew Karl in the car and this thing... flew right in front of my windshield as I was driving down the road.  I looked at him and said, "What was that?".  He replied, "A wild turkey".  "Wild Turkey is what you buy at the liquor store it isn't something that flies at your car".  They still get a kick out of that story. Or the time that Ande's friend went boar hunting, and I thought they were just trying to trick the city girl.  Lord, I have learned a lot.  They do it all out of love, and I know, that even as they smile that those people love me and that I love them.  Otherwise, well... I am a good Christian women and we don't talk about "otherwise" in public.

I am beginning to get my mojo about the move.  There is so much work to be done.  But I know that once the move is made, and the final box is delivered to the new house... I will be able to breathe and know... it's all over but the milking, and the planting, and the hoeing, and the harvesting, and the canning, and the freezing, and the plucking, and the.....

Green Acres is the place for me... 

Lord, I thank you for great friends.  I thank you for people that can speak to these dry bones and remind me of who I am, and that I am not a failure.  Lord, my only hearts desire is to know you, to love you and to share you with those whom you would allow.  Lord, I thank you for my three beautiful souls that you have put in my care.  My life would be so incomplete without their hearts, and their hugs and kisses.  Lord, thank you for Ande... for the good times that we enjoy each other and for the bad times, that teach us what love really looks like.  But Lord, thank you moreso, for You.  Thank you for choosing me from before the foundation of the earth.  You my Father, my Savior, my King, are my all in all.  Thank you for dancing over me and for loving this city girl done country.  I love you... I honor you and I continue to give you my life for sanctification.  

The I AM loves ME!

Today I have begun to prepare for this Farming/Homesteading Adventure.  Ande and I both have a habit of putting the cart before the horse and this is no different.  I have spend the day researching recipes of things that I will can.  He has spent the evening reading about rabbits as a source of meat.  No talk of the farmhouse remodel or how we get to that point from here.  But what I can say, is that I enjoyed just some time of researching the things that give me happiness.  I can't wait to make my own tomato sauce, my own salsa.  I really do have a passion to be in the kitchen and it really is one of the things that I love to do.  

I have had a lot of people try to really steer me lately.  Everyone is worried about me and 1. my spiritual health and 2. my mental health.  I can say this, right now the only thing I am feeling is overwhelmed.  Physically I have a lot to do to prepare for this move, mentally I am just processing the transition, and spiritually I am holding on for dear life.  So many want me to read this or see this or.... whatever.  Here is where I am.  I am done striving.  I am done berating myself, just done.  I am just ready to enjoy my life.  I am just ready to take one day at a time, to be a wife and a mother.  That doesn't mean that I am not chasing God, it just means that I am not going to beat myself up.  I am going to quit doing Satan's work for him.  I spend so much time pondering the past, stuck in unforgiveness that I really don't need him to do it for me or to me.  It's only through Christ any of that is possible.  I know that in my heart of hearts.

I have been led to believe that there is a path, a calling on my life.  I have sat and waited and waited and every time life doesn't line up with my vision I get frustrated.  I think this is the end.   If the only people that I impact for Christ are my children, if the only pulpit I ever stand behind is the one at my grandfather's funeral, if that's all that I "achieve" then I will be satisfied.  If I raise a family that loves God, if I allow Jesus' blood to wash me, my marriage, my kids - if that is all that I ever am capable of, then I will be satisfied.  I will no longer look at other women and envy their postion, or their calling, their ministry.  I will look in my mirror and see God's creation in me.  That He calls me Beloved, and Worthy, not because of anything that I have done or possibly ever could do.  He loves me, just because, he loves me.  

Jesus, thank you for your sacrifice.  Thank you for your intercession, your prayers, your whispers to the Father on my behalf.  Thank you for your love.  Thank you for calling me Beloved.  Thank you for pulling me out of the ditch.  Thank you for wrapping me in your finest garments.  Lord, help me to reignite the worshiper in me.  Lord, teach me to be a receiver, teach me to open my heart to you.  Father, Son, Spirit of Comfort... thank you.  For loving me outrageously.  You are amazing.  

Some one was reading my mail...

I know that I throw a lot of videos up here.  If you have never watched one before I would ask you to watch this one.  

I am not going to add anything to it, except to thank the person who sent me this woman's name and told me to search for her.  

Her name is Blair Wingo.  

Molly... and other dreams that give peace.

So do you like my new mascot?  Her name is Molly.  When Ande and I first got married my in laws had a cow at the farm named Molly.  Molly eventually choked on some grass and wasn't bled properly.  We had to soak roasts and stuff I believe in baking soda to kill the funky flavor.  I don't believe that we ate all of her... but Lord knows I was pregnant with Adam at the time and it was a bad time to be cooking meat anyway.  Let's just say I lost weight during my pregnancy because that is a lot nicer than coming up with a word like, upchuck, vomit, barforama before 9 am.  

I liked this cow picture because in my mind... she reminds me of me.  A little bit beachy, a little country, and thick around the middle.  It is a picture that makes me smile... and I love seeing her first thing.  So although I usually try to be a little more "serious" (as if) for now she will sit and visit with all of us.  One thing is for sure the look of this blog changes a lot.  When I really am pondering something to write, mulling it over, chewing the cud... (cow jokes are bad) I tend to start redecorating.  My blog is somewhere that is for me and by me and if I want to change the background every day I can... and I will.  I like to mooooooove stuff.  I know it's making me want to vomit too, I am going to try and refrain from the cow jokes.  

So this morning, I say morning because I was up until after 1 am, I had this dream.  I don't even know what the dream was about but, I know that I was sweeping my kitchen... (I used to dream about adventure, now I dream about sweeping). Someone in my dream said, "It's a privilege to worship God."  

It's judgment time for God's own family. We're first in line. If it starts with us, think what it's going to be like for those who refuse God's Message! 

If good people barely make it, What's in store for the bad?
So if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he's doing, and he'll keep on doing it.

~1 Peter 4:17-19

I have really been struggling to keep my head above water these past few days.  It just seems like the waves of disappointment don't stop.  I just really need a cranalanalectomy.  Back to that whole perspective thing.  It's not our circumstances, it's our perspective.  Not the events but our reactions.  I just wish that I could grasp that more often.  Without taking 4 days of pouting to get there.  I wish that as soon as I got the revelation that my shoulders would relax.  I wish that somewhere comfort would come and just wash all of this tension away.  The Holy Spirit is The Comforter... I just seem to not be firing on all cylinders. 

Psalm 77

I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
Interlude
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?
Interlude

And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.

O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Interlude

When the Red Sea saw you, O God,
its waters looked and trembled!
The sea quaked to its very depths.
The clouds poured down rain;
the thunder rumbled in the sky.
Your arrows of lightning flashed.
Your thunder roared from the whirlwind;
the lightning lit up the world!
The earth trembled and shook.
Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters—
a pathway no one knew was there!
You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep,
with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.

Lord, I know that you are a God of miracles.  I know that you know me, and my heart.  Lord, I don't know what I am looking for, I don't know what I am seeking, but I know that I need you in a way that I never have before.  There is a passion,. a desire for you that just can't seem to be satisfied.  I feel "appetizers" but I need so much more.  I always need more.  Lord, I long for the peace that passes understanding.  I don't claim to know or to understand what is going on.  But what I know, what I hold onto... You are a Loving God, a Merciful God, You sent Jesus, to show me that I was worth dying for.  Lord, you long for me and hide just beyond my view to keep me seeking you in the way of the Song of Solomon.  I crave you, I shrivel without out.  I am nothing, and You my God, my King, my Lover, my Redeemer, my Savior... are Everything.

He knows ME...

even when I don't know myself.  I have been reading this book... Firefly Lane and those of you who know me know that I don't read a lot of fiction.  This book, it is really reflecting my past 35 years back to me.  Not in any one part put in a summation of both of the characters, and their drives, their fears... I began reading it Saturday night and was up until well past midnight.  Last night I read from 9 until 2.  If I don't slow down my pace I will probably have devoured it all by tonight.  But last night when I put the book down, I just laid in the dark and cried.  

I keep crying out to God.  I know that the only way I have made it 36 years is with His grace and His provision... but I have allowed people to tarnish God.  I miss Him so bad that it physically hurts.  I sit in church on Sunday with tears running down my face because I don't feel Him there.  I feel like I am on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and I just want off.  

I look at all of the hours and days I spent in Bible College, all of the hours in ministry, learning the process.  Ministering to people.  I don't know how to make that compute into the farm.  There is not even high speed internet out there.  No cell phone towers... I don't know how to look at it and not see isolation.  I don't have the ability here today to see a vision of hope for the future.  If I am honest I know that all I see are compost piles and manure for my future.  Ande grew up on that farm, I grew up in comparison on a golf course.  Suburbanista.  Not Rural.  I have never even held a real chicken, or any livestock for that matter that wasn't in a petting zoo somewhere.

I cry in fear, I cry in frustration, I cry in lack of control.  I cry that it doesn't look anything like I thought it would.  I cry because it hurts.  I cry because... sometimes I swear I am screaming and yet, no one hears me.  I cry out to God, to Jesus... and all I hear is a ringtone.  It's not connecting and I cry out for revelation of the blockage so that I (because I am just that powerful) must be able to do something to bring this to an end.  I spend last night crying, awake and in my sleep.  I wake up this morning Ande wants to know if I am okay.  I don't really know what okay is anymore... but yeah for right now I guess okay will suffice as a definition.  I start playing on Facebook and listening to Pandora music and all of a sudden I hear it.  Lyrics that cry out to my soul and I start... you guessed it... crying.  So, somewhere in me I know that God is hearing me.  I choose to hear His voice, and I choose to face one more day. 

Lord, here I am.  Crying out for you.  In Jesus name.  Amen.

Something you may not know...

I love to shoot guns.  I haven't always been a huge fan of guns.  Actually I was deathly afraid of guns up until about a year ago.  My husband, his Dad, his brothers are all "gun guys". 

 I just whinced in fear everytime they brought them out.  I remember staying out on the farm in 1998 for a few months while we transitioned to Atlanta from Florida (see, adventure have always been a way of life) and my father in law took me out in the yard and told me I had to learn to shot.  I did what he asked of me but I hated it.  

Guns have been used in deaths of people that I love.  I blamed the gun and not the person for years.  Not anymore.  I have a new love for guns.  I love the way they "kill" my victim mentality.  I love the power that I feel in that moment.  I love unloading it down range and reloading it.  It eases my tension and reminds me of how delicate and fragile life really is.  What I know is that it makes me love life.  I love to be on the range.  I love the smell and the soreness I feel the next day.  

Yeah, I still shut my eyes every time and that's something that will end with more practice.  That day, I shot over 100 rounds of ammo.  I love my Baby Glock... and I found that I love to shoot Ande's hand gun as well.  I hate shotguns and don't have to prove anything by shooting them.  I like rifles, but prefer a handgun.  Who would have thought?  Not me.  

But if you ever want to put a smile on my face... play me some Miranda Lambert Gunpowder & Lead and take me to the range.  The smile lasts for days.  Sort of like this one of my daughter after shooting her own 22 rifle. 

Until next time.