5.25.2009

I wait...



I am really ready to get to the point that I don't "hate". That was my realization this week. I hate. I have hurt before, but I don't know that I have ever hated. Hated isn't pretty. Hate is an ugly word... that's what I was taught as a child. You don't hate anyone. Right now I can't say that. I have only "hated" one other time in my life. How is it possible to love and hate at the same time. It's not. When hate comes in... love goes out. It's doesn't mingle. Hatred seeps in other areas of your life... quickly, almost like a cancer.

I am a firm believer in until you know what it is, there can't be healing. So the realization of what it is... is progress. Being able to label it.

Friday night I went with my family to our favorite local mexican restaurant. There was someone there that used to be my friend. I won't even make eye contact with her. I have nothing left for her, no pain, no animosity, no trust, no respect. No sooner did we go in and sit down and the man that raped me five years ago walks in. He makes it very obvious that he is there... I am no longer intimidated by him. I take responsibility for my role in it. I am no longer his victim... but again I have nothing for him. No feelings of maliciousness, no desire of retaliation... no respect, no trust and just pity for him and his family.

What I hate... is that I can't just walk away. I hate that I have had to face every one of these people. I hate that I feel like I am being punished. I feel like God has turned his face from me. I have been so deeply hurt by so many that I love. I don't trust well to begin with and everyday that goes by it seems that I trust others less and less. I feel like... I can't do one more day and yet, somehow, another day passes and I am still here. Still moving forward. I don't understand it. I love God but right now I am hating the delay. It's doesn't seem to let up.

If the farm is where we are heading, Let's get this show on the road. It's like swimming through quicksand. I feel like I am up to my hips in mud. I want to get excited but I can't... because we can't seem to get out there. I want to get this house packed up and get out there... but there is no point until that house is ready to move into... it's this constant... waiting. It's this constant... looking the enemy in the face. It's this unrelenting pain.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing. ~Isaiah 51:3

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