The Road to Nowhere... and light at the end of the tunnel.

This is a photo from the inside of the tunnel on the Road to Nowhere in the Great Smoky Mountain National Park. I took this picture on Mother's Day while I was hiking with my wonderful family. Maybe it's just a burning desire... maybe it is revelation but I am beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel.

So many things... well, they still hurt. Being seperated from those I loved, losing friends. It's like someone came along and pulled up my anchor. I have drifted aimlessly for this past year. It's hard to believe how much time has passed. The storm has destroyed so much... things that I coveted, relationships that I clung to... ideals that were shattered. I have been broken. I have cried to the depth of myself and have found that I need so much more. There is still so much within me what is hard, and set in it's ways. What I have also found, is that God... in His awesomeness has heard my cries. He has opened doors to opportunity to talk about things that I never would have brought up otherwise. He has allowed words to comfort me... by the ones that inflicted the wounds to begin with. There are some more fences to mend... but I am willing to wait on God to open the doors.

I don't want my relationships to be based on emotion. Not with God, my husband, my children. I have always told my kids that courage was doing it scared. Today I was making my bed and the thought comes... Love is doing it in pain. I think of God as love... I think of Jesus as love... and I can't even begin to fathom the pain that they endured for me. That in that moment on the cross that Jesus applied my sins... the pain in that moment was for me alone... he could bear it and yet even now I could not. Jesus loved me as He hung there. Through the pain... He endured. He never quit, He never gave up, He never lost hope. Even in those moments before His death... He cried to God that His will be done... although His flesh cried out for the cup to be passed from before Him.

Jesus didn't do it on some warm fuzzy emotion LOVE. He didn't do it on anything less than gut wrenching.... if feels like I have been to HELL & back love. There are times that I believe that Jesus never married because then we would all have a list of rules to follow for our marriages. There are no rules in Love... The rule is... Do unto others...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love never fails... the 3 words that I love more than any other 3 in the entire book. What a promise that Jesus makes to us. NEVER fails. Never... ever. Failing isn't an option. We quit to easily. We throw our hands up. It doesn't "feel" right. It "hurts". But... Love never fails. He never gives up on us. He always protects, trusts and hopes. Through perserverance the snail reached the ark. Through following the calling of the Father... it made it to its point of destiny. How powerful that is.

Jesus... he still... still whispers intercession on my behalf. He sees the pain in my heart... He sets me up for success. He orchastrates it all... and I just follow His lead in the dance. If I allow Him to lead... it will be beautiful.

I don't understand... but I do get what you are beginning to show me. I want it to be more than a worship experience, more than just a warm feeling. It will be tested & tried... I want it to never seem like a mere affair... I want the whole relationship... not just the heavy breathing. I want to walk in the truth that I am enough for you... because you created me to love you. You whisper my name... you know my heart, my desires, my hope... my pain. But most of all you know my love. I have nothing to offer if I have not love.