I have had a long weekend. Spent the day today in my pj's napping and just taking it easy. Sometimes we all need a mental health day. I guess that was me today. Just enjoying my bed, reading, listening to the rain fall outside. It's a cool evening here in the mountains and I am again looking forward to the comfort of my bed and snuggling with my honey.
I spent too much time on Facebook... tends to be a time stealer for me. I keep thinking I just need to give it up. So what I have started doing is shutting it down for hours at a time. Researching recipes, and canning jars and other things that I am going to need in my new life. I love to cook, Ande and the kids, well, they love to eat. It's a good combination. But today, I saw pictures of a young married couple, he is deploying and I literally just sat here and cried. For her, for him, his mother. There is nothing like it. I can't even pretend to comprehend it. But I know that it breaks something in me.
I have been a military wife for 15 years. Somehow, God has spared Ande and I from being separated for more than 5 weeks. In all these years, Iraq, Afghanistan... 9/11. Part of me and I know him too feels like we are on the outside as we watch others go, our nephew is in the Navy... he was out to sea last year. Friends, family member... but never us. It's just strange. Trying to go active duty only to be sent home. I just don't understand... still.
Then I am reminded that I don't understand God at all. There is no part of the trinity that makes any sense whatsoever. The more I learn the less I know. It's overwhelming and frustrating all at the same time. Some make it so complicated, some just call it love. I just call it a relationship.
But today, I cried. When I woke up I was teary. The stupid thoughts plagued me again this morning as I laid in bed between the alarms. I am struggling to step out of the chains. The thoughts that have kept me silent, and still for so long. The ones that hurt that no one knows about. The scars that still seem to remind me of days long ago. I lie there and forgive, myself, for the offender... and yet somehow I just can't shake the pain. Time doesn't send any relief.
The only time it seems to diminish is when I am covered in God's love. But it's like these thoughts and God's love are like oil and water. I can't have both... it's either one or the other. One prevents the other from seeping in. I go back and forth.... but never quite get it blended.
Lord, I feel like a bird caught in an oil spill. I fly, then I fall back into the mess. I just need you. Like air, water, I need you.
I am editing this post to add the scripture that God gave me this evening... I just felt compelled to add it here.
Romans 12
Living Sacrifices
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[b]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Love
9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[d]says the Lord. 20On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[e] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Living Sacrifices
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[b]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Love
9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[d]says the Lord. 20On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[e] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Love always wins... even if he has to keep you awake.
Thank you Lord!
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