The Beauty of God...

He said to another person, “Come, follow me.”
The man agreed, but he said, “Lord, first let me return home and bury my father.”
But Jesus told him, “Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead! Your duty is to go and preach about the Kingdom of God.”
Another said, “Yes, Lord, I will follow you, but first let me say good-bye to my family.”
But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.” ~ Luke 9:59-62

Do you think that sometimes we get so wrapped up in persueing our healing that we never fully take the land we have already conquered? Are we always so concerned with continuing to fix the past that we can't have a vision for the future? I don't know too much about farming... but I know enough to know that you can't plow a straight line if you are looking behind you.

I do believe that God has to free us from our chains. I do believe that there has to be healing, but I also think that if all we ever do is stand there with those loose chains around our ankles, if we never step forward we are no better off. I have spent way too much time looking at the chains of my past and being so used to bearing their weight that I haven't been able to move forward. Even as Jesus has continued to heal me I have just allowed the chains to puddle around my ankles. Freedom but still secure in my chains. They have defined me for so long can I really just step out of them and move on towards my future.

This has really been hitting home for me in the past few months. My life right now isn't even remotely close to what I pictured when I was younger. First off, I never really had a vision of a future. I was consumed with suicidal thoughts, plagued by the belief that I wouldn't live past my early 20's. I lived in such huge vats of shame that I really expected to die. I wanted to die, I remember laying in my bed and praying to God, "If I am not asleep by midnight, tonight is the night I am going to do it." I, honestly, in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be a 36 year old woman, married 15 years, homeschooling her kids and moving to a farm. I never saw a career path, never had a desire to go to college. I wanted the parties, not the long term benefits.

I sold myself short. Way too short. I added my own chains, of sexual identity, addictions, coping mechanisms. Crutches. If I get married I will be happy... another lie. A baby... another lie. I start looking back and my whole structure was built on lies that I put on myself.

Chains of despair, grief, shame, suicide, alcoholism, promiscuity.

So Jesus comes along... and gets a hold of me. Five years ago, I sought Him head on. He has over the past years taken the snips to those chains... But I have allowed myself to be paralized by a power that they no longer hold. I am not rejected... I was bought with a price. 1 Corinthians 6:20, tells me that I was bought with a price and I should honor Christ with my body. I am not abandoned, John 1:12 tells me that I am a child of God. There are more than 300 versus that tell me who I am in Christ. They combat every thought, every belief that I have held onto. I think it's time to let them win. I am going to quit allowing my thoughts to be over run with negativety. I am going to allow the Words to be like hydrogen peroxide and bubble out the infection... and I am going to step forward. I have been taught the process, I have walked with others, but I don't know that I have ever really let the same things penetrate my hard heart. It's time to destroy the stronghold...

Lord, I am tearing down the vines that have kept me from you. I am allowing the scales to fall from my eyes. Lord, you have never left me. Since I was a little girl, watching The Crystal Cathedral, Father the prayer of a 3 year old little girl watching the TV. You have been with me, every step along the way. I am sorry for allowing pain to seperate us. I am sorry for not walking in the victory that you have already declared over my life. Lord, thank you for your grace, your ultimate gift and Lord, my life. Thank you for preserving my life so that I could enjoy the blessings you have so willingly bestowed. I love you... doesn't express it... but I am willing to show you with my life, and not just my mouth.

Thank you Lord,